Silent Audience...

Tabahee Cookies

2006-09-21T19:45:00.000-07:00

im sitting in my den right now....listenning to omkhara music....the smell of freshly baked cookies is in my house..... I baked cookies for the SCA's i work with now.... they had been hearing about my 'baking' but as they say...'they have yet to see any evidence of this'! So i baked cookies..

Its funny..now I bake cookies from memory...I dont look up the recipe anymore....i just start and it comes to me...as i was mixing the batter out of nowhere came the memory of a far past iftar at Nailu's Khala's house where they had invited a bunch of girls over....and I had baked these cookies for them.... and they had named them Tabahee cookies....back then Tabahee was a word we used to describe anything we liked....usually men!! hahahahha god...those carefree days were so awesome!!

Got thinking about the cookies.....somehow they became attached to me.... I made them whenever sadaf went back to boarding school... whenever i left home for boarding school to leave behind for hassan and rabs..... then whenever i wa home from toronto, passing through london... hahaha I even made them when Henna came to spend the night with MAl (HOW LONG AGO WAS THAT!!!!) I made them for holmz and gulbs, who i have to say never appreciated the effort...i made them whenever rabs and sarah had an exam, which usually also meant brownies and ice cream!! i make them now whenever i go to TO, or someone leaves from calgary.... of course my luck, my husband doesnt like chocolate, its not his thing! ahhaha dont know why... this last time Kasim was going to MTL on work...and I sent a batch for hassan...and my mom just said goood he can have them with mmilk for sehri... and it made me so happy to know i was helping hus in a small way...

I love the comfort of bakng, the smell, the feel, nothing like it...cooking i do because i have to....not because i want to.....but baking i love to do...and i love that everyone has always let me....never saying the cookies were bad or not the best....always alllowing me this small token...

just so many memories attached to the tabahee cookies..

S

The end of an era...

2006-09-10T17:45:00.000-07:00

Its here...finally it happened.. I always knew it would...and its here.... the end of an era...

Funny how you can know something is going to happen and be so surprised when it does.. I think what surprised me most was how I felt when I found out...it was just pure and simple relief and actually happiness....because i could now close the chapter...

i never thought it would be relief...tears, fear, regret, hurt, anger...all those i expected....never relief....nor the happiness...

life moves on...and you move with it....but truly it is the end of cold windows, whispers and stories that have found who they need to...

the chapter is closed.

S

where'd I go??

2006-09-08T17:59:00.000-07:00

I dont know... I just had to get away for a while....allow my blog to fade into the background...

I guess I just got so caught up in what everyone was thinking about what I would write....everyone had a comment about what someone would say or think about what I had written.....and I just didnt want that.... so rather then keep stressing over it..I thought lets walk away...

i even started a new blog.....thinking if I got away from it all and just wrote I would find what I wwanted to say again... but I never wrote on that blog...thats when I realized maybe I need to really just walk away for a while...and i did..

But at coffee today with Ali I felt like blogging again on Silent Audience so here I am...

Wasted Mood...

2006-05-07T21:05:00.000-07:00

Im in such a 'wasted mood'. I am sitting on my balcony, in our new patio furniture, the sun set 20 mins ago...and its cold, nothing bone chilling, just pleasantly cold.... and Im in a 'wasted mood.... listenning to ' I hear the bells" - by Mike Doughty...

I guess I should explain 'wasted mood' most of you are probably reading that as being drunk, but its not that. Its this mood Sadaf and I would get into, where anything and everything we said, did, or heard was hilarious... we would just laugh and laugh.... and it would drive my mother insane...and hence the name...because once we got into that mood...we were a 'waste' to our mother, because she could not for the life of her get us to do anything functional at that moment... and the mood got its name....wasted mood..

And right now, more then anything I wish Sadaf was here.... because the moment would be complete. Because truly though Rabs and Hus have tried through the years to partake in this mood, this truly is a mood that only Sadaf and I can share....and Im missing her now....

what a waste of a 'wasted mood' eh? Another rule of the 'wasted mood' is that it is completely and utterly a waste of the 'wasted mood' unless Sadaf and I are together. Because that is when the mood becomes art...that is when our family roll their eyes and walk away...leaving us alone....

Lately I have leaned so heavily on Sadaf to help me get through the beginning of my marriage, and all the pyschosis that goes with that.....that sometimes i just miss being in a completely and utterly wasted mood with her... where neither of us is worried about the other, or our parents, or hus or rabs..... or just something on our minds.... always serious, always thinking, talking, sorting out, picking up peices, knowing without speaking, smiling, laughing,but never that carefree craziness of the 'wasted mood'

God I miss it!

*wasted*
S.

The way to eat things..

2006-05-05T19:19:00.000-07:00

Today at work my manager was eating a pear the wrong way... only after thinking that did I realize that I actually believe that....

there is a definate and precise way to eat certain things... and it drives me insane when people eat things the WRONG WAY!! there is a determined method...dont mess with it....honestly you have no idea how much this can bug me... i wish i didnt even notice...but I do... the worst offenses:

1) Pears- not to be eaten top to bottom but to be held sideways and eaten AROUND.

2) Kitkats- break the damn bars and eat them one by one....not as a whole chocolate damn bar

3) Oreos - seperated in half ensuring the icing remains on one side, then licking the icing before eating the biscuits

4) Muffins- flipped upside down, bottoms eaten first followed by tops also eaten inside out.

5) Kiwis - never to be peeled and eaten whole, kiwis are to be sliced across the middle not length wise and then eaten with a spoon avoiding the skin

6) Cereal - I dont know, this one drives me bonkers and im sure my opinion drives everyone else bonkers but its the right way dammit!! There should be more milk then cereal.... its just the way it should be.... 1 cup milk to 1/2 cup cereal....

7) Sushi - this one Kasim drives me insane with -completely loco with, he refuses to admit that sushi is cut into BITE SIZE pieces meaning the peice of sushi is not to be bitten into but rather to be popped into your mouth WHOLE! But no kasim refuses, he bites in each time and the truly amazing part is he wonders why it falls apart each time. Pop dammit Pop!!

8) Subway Sandwiches- this one never even occured to me until Naila went down this path. Nailu eats her subway sandwiches with a fork. I mean HELLO??? How can you not murder a person who does that? Its like eating a donut with a knife and fork...dont even get me started....HANDS!! HANDS!!!

I guess my friend Ali would define this as just an extention of my complete OC personality whatever it is....its not right..

S.

9)

Welcome Spring!!

2006-05-04T16:25:00.000-07:00

Its getting warm again!! Finally here...the time of year that all of us in Canada so anxiously wait for, from the day the clocks jump back, the wait begins...and then that glorious first week in May when the wait ends..

There is nothing like spring in Canada, and Canadian welcome the warm weather as no other.....perhaps appreciate it is a better term. I guess spending so many monthes in winter we really just welcome the break and want to use each day to its fullest...windows come out of the restuarant fronts, patios are set up for after work drinks, people put on their walking shoes and shed their winter warmth. And nothing beats Calgary at this time... it is just the most gorgeous time of year..

Walking home today from work, there were just people everywhere, walking, skating, having coffee on patios....just relaxing and its only a thursday...thats the great thing about this time....its not too hot not too cold...its perfection and so is this city... .

Welcome Spring

So caught up..

2006-05-02T16:16:00.000-07:00

This morning I took the train into work because it was too cold to walk ( yes in May it was too cold to walk - ARGH!) and as I sat on the train waiting for it to start, I just was people watching. THere must have been 12-15 people in the car with me, and not one person wasnt wrapped up in their own cocoon. Some had ear phones, others had books, others had the newspaper, others were on their cell phone. Even if I wanted to strike up a conversation I could not have.. I mean helloo no one was even looking up or around.. granted I had my own Ipod on and a book to read...but it just struck me as funny that this was the norm now..

Slowly the world is eradicating the need for human contact...we no longer need to talk to each other... and I think there will come a time, if it already hasnt come that we just wont need to step out of our houses or have contact with another human and it will be considered a totally functional life. With the advent of so much technology cell phones, ipods, laptops, blackberrys, and now even play station personals....it just seems like it is becoming more and more difficult to break out of the bubble..

What was once considered normal behaviou...getting to know the neighbours...meeting someone at a bookstore.... is now considered to be a big effort.... I mean really when was the last time you met someone completely randomly on the street, struck up a conversation and are still in touch with the person. Not only is that considered a huge effort its considered AbNORMAL behaviour..

The world is getting smaller and smaller....but we are becoming more isolated... I guess i am more sensitive to this because I keep being the new person in a place.. and I find it that much harder to meet people each time i move. The first thing I do when i move is ensure my phone and email are working so I can talk to family and friends...

Its a state of affairs....i dont know if I would say its sad...but what is sad...is today at work some colleauges were talking and discussing a client who just bought a retirement complex and they were saying that is the best investment, its going to be the next big thing...

how sad...the next big thing will be old peoples homes...

S.

Typing from..

2006-04-30T19:56:00.000-07:00

I am typing this blog from my brand new laptop!!! Thats right, Mr Khan bought me a brand new laptop over the weekend!!! Hooray for awesome husbands!!!

There are moment when my husband can totally surprise me!! Our home desktop, refered to as Sobs computer , has been acting up lately, nothing too concerning for a minimal computer use as I am... but none the less acting up. My husband obviously was way more impacted by this then I was. Whenever he mentioned getting a new computer I just shrugged it off thinking he was joking around, and even if he was serious it would take him forever to get around to making a decision and actually purchasing something..

But Kasim went against character, he walked into Best buy ( while we were on a BBQ and patio furniture trip) and bought me a laptop......

I never thought I would get a laptop, but the arguements Kasim gave me were I am taking classes at the universtiy and that the wave of the future is for the home desktop to be replaced by laptops.... not that I needed arguements... but neither did I need the laptop, it was a sweet gesture that my husband did for me...

tons of blogs to come as I type them from my laptop in bed!!!

Loving this!!!

S.

ABCD...

2006-04-17T20:57:00.000-07:00

So, I was talking to Sadaf on the phone today and we were just chit chatting about Saans Zuberi. One of my most absolutely favourite topics of conversation.... oh she is just the cutest and smartest kid in the world!!! CAN YOU BELIEVE SHE IS A KID NOW AND NOT A BABY ANYMORE??? Fully functioning person who I have taught mind games too... honestly where does the time go, Saans is coming up on 3!! I still remember the night she was born, I remember going to the hospital the next day, going in the same room I had spent all the previous day with no baby and then there she was...

Anyways, back to the story... So Sadaf is telling me how she has been doing flash cards with Saans for the last little while and Saans will not go past D... she does A, she gets B, she loves C, she is ok with D, but she is not going to go to E, just not going to happen, no matter what Sadaf tries with the girl.... I was at work while she told me this story, and I just was in heaven.... I have never felt closer to Saans Zuberi.... now for a sidenote before I continue...

When Saans was born, Sadaf gave the all important "honey chati" ceremonial thing to Rabs, which made sense, Rabs being the family golden child do no wrong, perfect, we all love her, I understood Sadaf's choice. I didnt like it, but I understood it.... often I have referenced that moment as a defining moment in Saans life...because the whole lore behind the honey stuff is the person who gives the child the first taste the child will take on that persons characteristics...So Rabs it was and Saans was goign to be like RAbs.... but I felt cheated in a way because I thought I would have no hand in molding Saans as a person now, Sadaf got to give her DNA, Rabs got the honey stuff, Hus I dont think cared, but what about me??

Now, of course I do not have to worry...one bit...not even an iota...and all because Saans will not go past D.... because I my friends had the same problem... I would not do E in the ABC's.... I still remember...my mom would make me sit in the living room, while she was cooking away in the kitchen, and as usual in typical desi mom fashion, no moment wasted that could be used for learning... my mom would ask me to recite my ABC's...and off I would go...A...B...C...D.... ........ ........ ....... F. I just would not do it...for some reason I hated E or had this complete mental block against it... I can so vividly remember those days... it was the hugest deal in my life back then....the goddamn E I could never remember and was forever getting in trouble for forgetting... I would spend hours- well not really but it sounds good- trying to remember that damn letter.... repeating it over and over again - writing it I dont know how many times- and just absolutely hating it!!

But now, Saans made it worth it....because somewhere in her.....without the DNA and honey...is a part of me...not the smart part but a part of me.... I guess I have always worried with being so far from her...that I would not be a part of who she is....of who she is to become... because I have great plans for the future Prime Minister of Canada, who will hold a PHD in Theology, while being on the Women's Gold Medal Soccer team....

I dont have to worry because distance or not, honey or not, dna or not, Saans cannot escape me....

Thinking of E,

S.

Blue Man Syndrome

2006-04-10T19:06:00.000-07:00

So, there is this problem in Pakistani culture, we produce only two types of men when it comes to fixing things around the house, 1) the guy who can do nothing around the house and has to hire someone or con friends into doing anything for them and then there is the 2) my husband - the guy who believes, truly believes (this will be important later) that he can do anything and everything around the house without the requiste knowledge and pre-requiste experience because god forbid he have to pay anyone to do this.

Case in point:

Kasim and I had an arguement over saturday night, nothing big just a dumb arguement over something completely random, the type of fight that you dont even have to talk about afterwards because you wont agree anwyays and the fight will just re start- and since the topic is anywyas so dumb whats the point. So we go to sleep on Saturday night, a little tossing and turning, and horse breathing deal letting the other person know ur upset but ur not really upset enough to do anything but be passive aggressive about it(anyone who is married/engaged knows what I am talking about). So randomly on Sunday, when Kasim goes back to being my Kasi...just randomly menitons he is going to head out for about 20 mins and will be back in time to pick me up downstairs for our dinner date...im like huh?? where you going?? and he is like "oh Ive decided to re-tile this up coming weekend, so I gotta meet this guy." Now, remember at this point, we are not fighting anymore, nor are we at all mad at each other, or even still slightly, minisculey upset with each other..

HUH?? WHAT??

Yeah, thats KAsim for you.. Of course, we have talked about re-tiling since we bought this place, that was one of the main things we wanted done in our place...we've even been to a few shops, done some pricing, we have even had the WE CANT DO THIS OURSELVES CONVERSATION AND NEED TO HIRE SOMETHING!!! All of this has been done, but now my husband (who btw travels about 3 weeks of the month) is going to re-tile the entire floor by himself in one weekend. At first, being as sane as a I am, totally thought this was some passive aggressive attempt at petty revenge, but then I remembered that we had kiss and made up... ARGH!! this was just Kasim acting out his Blue Man Syndrome..

Now, any kids who grew up in the middle east and lived on compounds know about the blue men.. My brother could watch for hours from our dining room window while the blue men worked.. What are the blue men?? Well the maintenance staff on the compound all wore these blue coveralls while they worked, so we nick named them the blue men, they did everything, gardening, pool maintenance, getting rid of dead birds in ur house, fixing lightbulbs, installing anything and yes TILING! When Hassan was a baby one of our quickest ways of dealing with him was to stick him on a chair in front of the window while the blue men cleaned the pool, it was free babysitting for about 3 hrs... I am sure there are some residual developmental issues that hassan faces for that neglect but whatever... the point is Hassan wanted to a be a blue man then, and my husband wants to be a blue man now!!! ARGH ARGH ARGH!! my life!!

Did I mention that the current flooring will have to be stripped and the surface underneath stripped of the current glue. I MEAN COMMON how can this be a project that Kasim actually and truly believes he can accomplish..I just for the life of me dont get it..I must be missing the point...Ok, now if I knew this was my husbands passion and he was dying to tile the house, I would be supportive, Id be upset but id be supportive...but I know its not this...its just the blue man syndrome, Kasim thinks if that guy can do it so can I!! Yes, but that guy has fifteen years of experience, my husband gets tired taking all four of our suitcases off the conveyor belt at the airport... No, Kasim is totally only thinking, and yes for those disbelievers I CAN SO KNOW WHAT MY HUSBAND IS THINKING (its a little gift God gives to women once they marry men for all the shit we put up with- we get to know what our hubbies are thinking) Anyways, Kasim in typical desi fashion is type 2) I can fix it! I can do it! ARGH ARGH ARGH MY LIFE

I know its awful, I am actually rooting for my husband to fail at this task, and not just fail but fail miserably....I mean jsut fall flat on ur face,god awful fail....not because I want to say I told you so but because it will squash the blue man syndrome... and yes, it must be squashed....this is my house goddamit....

Well, Kasim just got home with his rented equipement from Home Depot....the descent to madness has begun!

off to save my floors,
S.

AStronomy....

2006-04-02T20:28:00.000-07:00

I hate ASTronomy.... I cant even begin to explain the depths of my hatred for this subject... its just the most useless absolutely retarded thing in the world... WHO CARES ABOUT ANYTHING THAT IS GIZZILIONS OF LIGHTYEARS AWAY!! I certainly dont...

I just honestly cant stand this class and have no clue why I took it...actually I do but the reason is so damn embarassing.. I thought the class was Astrology...yes I thought I would be studying Cancer and Gemini and whether they are star crossed lovers... instead I am studying angular resolution and parallex angle of goddamn stars, soI can figure out how far those stars are from me... DAMN FAR thats the answer, those starts are so goddamn far that they dont matter at all...not one iota...not even a speck...

But every Saturday there I am....actually considering these things...what makes it worse is that there are these keeners I sit with...and ARGH (Matt you want to see non-mattesque behaviour please come to Astro205) . THis one guy has a degree in Pure Maths and spends the majority of his time, discussing complex mathematical equations with the prof to prove how smart he is... I want to just slip him a note saying, You are smart, we get it, now shut the hell up!!! The other guy, is this complete idiot who prints his homework in color and adds all these dumb graphs, and like binds his assignments...you know the type that is borderline annoying even for the prof, but if you even look at him like you are such a dweeb he just says I know I am such a loser.... I think anyone who can say that well the conversation for me ends there...

ARGH I hate astronomy.... I just do not get the point of studying any of this...I honestly dont...nope not at all...not one bit...not even in any kind of random cosmic way... I dont care if the galaxy is spiral or whatever, if the sun is going to blow up in 5 billion years

So hating this crap,
S

Why Starbucks??

2006-03-31T07:58:00.000-07:00

WhY do I keep going to Starbucks?? I dont even know if I really like their coffee, actually Im pretty sure other then the Americano and the Chai Latte I dont like their coffee. But there I am every morning at 7:22 am ordering a coffee...I just didnt get it until today..

I finally think I have it figured it out...effective marketing... Starbucks is everywhere, even in Calgary I counted five on the way to work and thats not a long walk...its about 14 mins from door to door...and there are FIVE starbucks.....FIVE...fully functional with snacks and all starbucks......ARGH!!! And how many Tim Hortons are on the way, NONE, yup thats right none, Second Cups, one, Timothy's, none, Good Earth Cafe, one but kind of out of the way. So there, starbucks has gotten all the prime locations on my walk route for coffee.. .even if I wanted to I couldnt get a coffee at another shop... double ARGH

that of course is kind of a lie, I could stop at those hole in the wall coffee shops that are like about the size of my walkin closet but sell everything from coffee, morning snacks, soup, bagels, full lunches, all pharmacy items, anything you could need!!! Sometimes I just walk in because i am so fascinated by how much is going in those shops, definately not the place for an indecisive person...they are so jam packed that the person behind the counter only has standing room. Its amazing.... but none the less I digress... I dont want to buy coffee at those places... I just dont!!

So there I am this morning grumbling to myself about my coffee as I wait in the damn Starbucks line because there is always a line even with five locations all within WALKING distance from each other, there is always a line. I pull out my starbucks card and it hits me again!! The starbucks card....goddammit thats another reason Im always in there... it is so damn convenient to just slip ur starbucks card in ur pocket and go down for a coffee rather then carrying ur bulky wallet... you can load and reload the card as many times as u want...and with the card you can quite conveniently completely forget how insanely, ridiculously, feed an entire poor nation EXPENSIVE the coffee is, because it feels like you are not spending real money.. DAMN STARBUCKS BRilliant marketing...

Thats my life, Starbucks card and prime locations,

S.

Will wonders never cease...

2006-03-28T12:50:00.000-07:00

My husband has actually requested that we have salad for dinner tonight....will wonders never cease??

I have been trying to get my husband to eat more greens/veggies/ anything healthy since we got married. Kasims average diet consists of fried food/processed Mcdee's/sweets/MEAT!! thats it...no veggies no nothing steamed, grilled, boiled....

Ang yesterday night...three years of trying culminated in him munching off my plate of salad, then comandeering the plate, and polishing it off while saying Mmm this is good.. now never mind that that WAS MY DINNER and he had this whole plate of dinner( the sacrifice was so worth it) My husband was eating salad!!!!!!

you would know what an accomplishment this is if you knew the lengths I have gone through to get veggies in him...

1) disguising them in food, under sauces, under phylo pastry
2) making them into soup
3) instituting the one bite rule.
4) adding them ever so slowly to his favorite foods

yes, I know all techniques used with small children...yes he is a baby about it...and has often thrown terrible twos tantrums about it...

and just when I decide he can die from a heart attack for all I care now... he decides he will try salad now...

So tonight my friends we have salad....

S.

Validation!!

2006-03-27T09:55:00.000-07:00

After reading my blog, my friend Ali sent me this article..

http://www.insidebayarea.com/bayarealiving/ci_3641585

which means...I AM NOT ALONE!!!

The Battle of Plastic

2006-03-25T23:57:00.000-07:00

Its been a while... what can I say? here I am tonight...midnight on a saturday night, as good a time as any to start blogging once again... or is it?? Perhaps its a comment on the state of my life... perhaps... but lets not examine that..

Listening to How to Save a Life by the Fray, a song Im sure Fahad " Shaikhy" would appreciate.. my music taste has definately undergone a revolution.. so what brought me back to blogging??

WELL, the battle of PLASTIC!!

Kasim bought a new phone for our bedroom...of course in typical Kasim fashion he managed to find the cheapest 5.8 whatever cordless Uniden and bought it...so proud of himself and his cheapness...ARGH to dumbness - as a side note!! Anyways, so after buying this phone (which is actually pretty good - not as snazzy looking as our other one...but good none the less) he brings it home, neglects to open it and off he goes on another business trip. So there I am, just me and the plastic wrapped phone...

Now, I dont get this plastic wrapping and ITS EVERYWHERE!! Everything comes int his completely pyschotic plastic crap that you cant bend, break, cut do ANYTHING to because its all melted together... ARGH and then when u finally cut it, you cant seperate the sides without getting a million goddamn paper cuts... so by the end of it...you are so damn fustrated at hackign at this plastic covering that you just give up and walk away...well at least I DO!! but goddammit dont Retailers know how annoying that stuff is... it literally is enough for me not to buy something if I know I will have to battle the plastic..

So the reason im blogging is because I am officially ending the battle of the plastic today... it is simply to say, that I will no longer pit myself against the plastic wrapping, not now, not ever....

Now, I dont know if this plastic issue is because my husband insists on being cheap on the really Fing stupid stuff or if its just unavoidable...but either way...Ill just live without...dont care what it is...it cannot be worth the battle of the plastic.

S.

Back in Calgary...

2006-01-18T00:22:00.000-07:00

but am I back home?? Wierd feeling actually... I dont know really... there used to be this time that when my plane would touch down and land I would be straining my neck to get a glimpse of home.....my heart would race with the desire to be through customs... my breath would always catch at that first sight of those lights in saudi...or those row after row of houses in TO... but this time...I just sat back and waited for it to end... dont know why...

Calgary isnt home... there is no history here...no real memories here... dont get me wrong.. I love my place, my couch, my bed, my throw....ahh my bed... but its just not a home.... its just a place Kasim and I have decided to stop for a little while on the journey of our lives... perhaps it felt even that much more bereft this time...because I was coming from Lahore... which this time for the first time...felt like a home for me... as we landed...it wasnt just my husband who was staring out of the window....totally dying to just have landed already... even I was excited as I exited the airport and I saw our whole family waiting for us...it was great! We went home...and I went up to my bedroom...mine..and it felt like mine... there was the excited chatter of a family meeting after so long...snippets of conversations everywhere...with everyone simultaneously... there were gifts to exchange...stories to quickly share....

I gues Im just a little morose as its the middle of the night and I am severly suffering through jet lag..which in my entire life has never been this bad..... I know that we paint this rosy pic of pakistan when we go back and that life there is tough...really tough... but i dont know there is something to be said for life there... who knows... there has to be a reason so many have run so far away from it.....and I dont deny that at all..not one bit... there are serious problems there...no helping it and no changing that...but it gets my blood boiling when I hear peopl talk about Pakistan like its the worst place in the world..and that everything in the west is just amazing... be a little realistic...do we honestly want kids who cant speak urdu...who hate the thought of paki food...who find the thought of pakistan repulsive... and dont tell me that you can raise kids in Canada/USA with a total love of pakistan..its just not possible.....Im not saying kids from pakistan are better..... but just...they speak urdu...they know what it means to go for chaat, what the rangna wala does.... where to go for the best paans... its just nostalgia I know, but honestly I cant begin to tell you how much I hate people who leave it behind and then think they are so much better then anything back there...Im not saying everyone move back..and that is the only life... no... thats just stupid...but dont deny the reality that there is a good life to be had in pakistan...

I dont know.... I guess this trip just finalized for Kasim and I that we do not belong here... this is not and I dont think it will ever be our home... our home awaits us somewhere else... who knows where that is?? but its out there...for kasim and I to find.... maybe its Pakistan, maybe its not...

**shrug**

S.

I can not..

2005-11-30T17:34:00.000-07:00

seem to put into words what I feel.

I have, for the last few days, come to my blog and sat here staring at the empty screen. I can not seem to put into words what I feel or would like to say. Not suprising because for me this has to be one of the highest of the highes for me.

I will forever remember Nov. 25, 2005 10am.

Thank you Rabia, may you always be the shining light in our family. I wish so much I could put this moment into words, to tell you what it meant for me, but I can not and perhaps that in and of itself is a comment. I have always had words for each occasion and moment in my life, this moment has left me with none adequate enough.

Gratitude is the memory of the heart. ~Jean Baptiste Massieu, translated from French

A proud sis,
S.

Not Rocket Science!!

2005-11-23T20:37:00.000-07:00

Its simply picking up the phone, being cordial to the person on the phone, taking the damn MSG and most importantly TELLING ME WHO THE HELL CALLED ME!! Yeah they called me, not you ME!! God, sometimes just when I think I know my husband he does something so incredibly annoying that I cant believe I married him.

KASIM WONT GIVE ME PHONE MSGS!! you might think this post is in reaction to a one instance event, but its not...its each and every time he picks up the phone (oh lets not get me started on mr Lazy beyond life who will be sitting on the couch while Im doing somehting and wont answer a ringing phone because of two reasons, he doesnt feel like speaking - not talking but speaking- believe me there is a difference and second the call is never for him- I mean what do you even say in the face of that?) So the fact that he picked up the phone is a miracle (one I wish would never happen again because I WOULD AT LEAST GET MY MSGS) but then he will have a nice 5 mins convo with the person on the other line, they will say oh let SOBS (see that? they say SOBS) know that we called and to call back. Its a simple request, people are not asking Kasim to define creation and derive the square root of PRIME, no all they want is for my husband to say, when I come home, "oh by the way sobs, Rabia called and so did Henna call, they want you to call them back?" It would require not even 1 nano portion of his brain to do that, but does he ever do it...NO NEVER!! I mean I have taken to telling people, if you talk to Kasim assume I didnt get the msg!! BUT THATS NOT NORMAL!!! My husband is walking around thinking he is normal when he isnt!!!

So what brought this tirade on even though I have been dealing with this since the day I got married...well the other night rabs was like oh I called didnt Kasim tell you? So I go out to him after we are done talking and Im like hey Kasim got anythign to tell me?? Blank stares, so I help him along, "perhaps...someone called?" And this is what my husband says

"OH RIGHT! Henna called, wants you to call back"

(I was talking about Rabs) So I just kinda kept looking at him

"Sharmeen called a few days back too"

Keep staring, now he knows he's in trouble but this is my husband HE KEEPS GOING!

"Now that I think of it, Gulbie called and said it was really impo you call her" WHEN WHEN DID SHE CALL AND I DIDNT CALL HER BACK

but Im quiet and I keep looking at him

"Im sure Rabs and your mom have called a few times as well"

and I was quiet

"someone from your book club"

silent

"oh your eye appt is changed to dec 15"

thats when I lost it....it wasnt the eye appt, it was just that I MEAN i could forgive if he just forgot... I could even understand, but no no no my hubby remembers and just doesnt tell me..

When I ask him why dont you tell me?? For some he says, they call all the time, for others if its impo they will call back...... (someone please remind me to move Kasims body from where I have it stashed in the freezer). I had to literally go to another room when he said that because I was like so in awe of his mental thought process...

Whatever, Im not telling him his messages, the South African embassy called about his visa, think Im going to tell him?? NO WAY!! He can just find out the way I do, they call back if its important...

Tough luck, and oh whoever said revenge is not right hasnt had their phone msgs held hostage.
S.

THE WORST PART IS that Kasim has no idea that this annoyed me so much, he still isnt giving me my msgs, but I didnt let him know it bothered me because it would ruin my revenge....

Warning..

2005-11-20T00:37:00.000-07:00

Kasim will be doing 'something' to my computer tommorrow. According to him, my computer is diseased and he has the cure... how much of that is true, I dont know but in a moment of weakness I have allowed him to venture near my computer..

No good has ever come of Kasim being in close proximity to my PC so hence the warning that it could perhaps be a logn while before I am able to blog again... by long I mean instead of actually fixing my computer, he will dismantle it, spread the various peices out on the carpet, inspect, pyscho clean and then leave them there...where they will grace my carpet probably for a week before he deems it necessary to put the peices back togehter...and at that point the disease will still not have been tackled, but I will have one NOT FUNCTIONING but sparkling clean computer inside and out..

Why I agree to these hairbrained schemes I really dont know...

conned into a computer clean,
S.

Tim Hortons messing with me

2005-11-19T19:11:00.000-07:00

If you are Canadian or been to Canada you know TIM HORTON's and if you dont then I dont exactly know where you are living or visitng because it isnt CANADA!! When I lived in the US for a little while, every Canadian I met would always miss with eqaul fondness the coffee of Tim Horton's... Its just the best... There is something about the coffee in that place, that I dont care how big a coffee snob you are (Matt!!) but you have to love it... I get the same order each time, Large coffee MILK!!

But recently Tim has been messing with me and I gotta tell you Im not liking it...its borderline MEAN almost! There is nothing I love more then my saturday afternoon coffee from Tim Hortons as I am heading into my Women Studies class. But the Tim I go to has been jipping me on the coffe, so there I am diligently waiting my turn in a never ending line, but the coffee is so worth it so you wait... I get to the counter and I watch them make my coffee today and SHE TOTALLY DIDNT FILL THE CUP UP!!! Now, I wouldnt mind but I mean we are talking 3/4th full...it jsut wasnt enough.............it throws the whole ratio of coffee and milk off...ARGH!!! I was so mad...but then I calm myself down saying what can I really expect for that price ( A FULL GODDAMN CUP thats what) but it was ok, then I flip the coffee open and take a sip and its COLD!! MY coffee was cold, and that was it... seriously my day began to spiral downhill from there...

My luckw ith Tim has been so hit and miss lately, which is just tragic, because some of my funniest memories are tied to that place, Hishams triple triple SMALL, LAte night runs with Harry, meeting Kasim by chance at the Tim's near my place, 6 am Saturday coffees as I walked through TO, taking coffee to Holmz when she got back to TO after marriage, always buying coffee on our way to Harry's usually meaning manevouring 3 trays of coffee ALWAYS FUN!! But its just that it seemed we always ended our nights there or at Seven west... I guess Tim will alwyas just be part of this great time in my life, those last two three years in TO!!

Now in CAlgary, its just not the same, and I guess part of the hit and miss is that Im not calling Gulbie, Holmz, Nailu while im in the TIm line to ask them what they want... I order one coffee rather then the normal 4 or 5..

hahahahaha this started as a blog about being mad at TIm and look where I ended up...being sappy ARGH!!

missing 3 am tim's,
S

Favourite this or that..

2005-11-16T23:05:00.000-07:00

I dont have favourites... I really dont.. I dont know why, I mean I like tons of things and really enjoy some...but then someone asks me..so whats your favourite....?? and Im completely stumped..

Happened at work today, I share my office cube with another lady...so we sit facing each other, wierd sounding arrangement but highly effectice, so she asks me during conversation, Sobia whats your all time favourite movie?? Ok, favourite movie is hard enough, but then add in the ALL TIME part and its like this monumental moment...talk about pressure... So, I was like huh, and I thought about it, and I thought about it.....I kept thinking for like FOREVER because I just couldnt come up with one...finally I remembered that I had really enjoyed Life as a House, so I said it...but was that my favourite movie?? I honestly dont know..

I read tons, every night for at least 45 mins before I sleep, do I have a favourite book? I dont think so, its almost a dreaded question because someon will ask. And I will have to do this whole act of trying to pick a favourite...when in that moment I am just simply scrambbling to come up with a name of a decent book... its ridiculous... and I always give the same answer When Neitzche Wept by Irvin D. Yalom. Why that one?? well If im honest, its the sentimental value attached ot the book, havin gbeen a gift and all..

But yeah, so this whole concept of having favourites.. I dont agree with it... I just dont think we have favourites...because I mean our tastes are forever changing, how do I know that which I LOVE TODAY will not be the most drab piece of literature tommorrow.. I dont do I? Favourites change all the time, constantly...so whats the point of picking a favourite...

So here is a list of questions that I have been asked my favourite choice in and have never had an answer!

1) Favourite colour? - this one gets me each time, I mean JUST ONE COLOR how can that be
2) Favourite animal? - ARGH
3) Favourite cuisine? - if I ate it for like 9 weeks in a row, I think it might change
4) Favourite TV show?
5) Favourite Movie?
6) Favourite Book?
7) Favourite star? - who honestly cares, like they give a rats a** about me?
8) Favourite song? - I always say anything U2, which honestly isnt true..depends on mood
9) Favourite drink? - no CoMmEnT

No favourites tonight,
S.

Blogging..

2005-11-13T13:50:00.000-07:00

I found this on someone elses website... and really enjoyed it..

From: A Welsh View

The world is both bigger and smaller than I’d ever imagined.
There is great power in words.
Blogging can very easily be considered work. Lots of it.
24 hours in a day isn’t enough.
Making a mistake and being called on it can be one the best learning experiences you can have.
You really can meet cool people online. And many of them are not so bad in person either!
It’s easy to mix up “it’s” and “its”. Same goes for “your” and “you’re”. Oh and “too” and “to”.
Don’t trust spellcheck.
Blogs are great for marketing and PR if done the right way.
I’ve got friends in low places.
The world is full of passionate people.
Storytelling is one of the best ways to convey a message.
Defensiveness makes you look bad.
People I’ve never met care about me, and I care about people I’ve never met.
Links are a new form of currency.
Blogging is a great way to express yourself.
Blogging is a great way to manage knowledge and lessons learned.
Geek is the new pink.
Smaller is better.
Writing is hard!
Most people are more positive than negative.
Some people actually can make a living blogging. Imagine that.
Everyone has a bad day.
Crankiness comes in waves and affects many at once.
Popular doesn’t always mean good.
The best way to become better at something is to keep doing it.
Comments make great content.
Conversations are a great way to communicate.
You’ve got to love what you do to do it really well.
People actually do read Web content.
Making an ass out of yourself will get you lots of attention.
Perfect is the enemy of the good.
Clever writing can be frustrating.
The future is text-based.
If you step away from it, the blogosphere will still be there when you get back.
Asking a question is a great way to get a response. (Obvious I know…)
With that, I’ll throw it to y’all. What has blogging taught you?

What has blogging taught me?? Alot, its funny to think that this medium is so new and so recent, and yet for me its now a part of my daily life... part of my internet routine is to log on and read all the blogs I normally go to... some days if I am following a particular saga on a blog, its all I can do to force myself to check my own email (to maintain some semblance of normality) before logging onto that blog...

Thats the thing....blogs are this gateway into someones life, their thoughts, their ideas... no one has to be scared of what they write..you can be as anonymous or as famous as you would like to be... you can be judged for every word or have no one read your blog ever... there are times when my mom will call me up and tell me, how she didnt like my blog at all today...and I will get so fustrated with her..that I often threaten to change my address and not tell her... and honestly, I dont know why I have but I dont think I ever will....but then again never say never..

So for all you bloggers who started your blogs...what has blogging taught you?

S

Lost in MST!!!!

2005-11-09T20:17:00.000-07:00

No one seems to know MST or even care about MST... I bet most of you reading this, with the exception of my FRIEND (did ya catch that Ali?) in Calgary, dont know what MST even is..... well its Mountain Standard Time... thats right folks...there is this small and i mean excruciatingly small timezone in north america called MST!! Dont feel bad if you dont know it or have never considered it BECAUSE NO ONE ELSE HAS EITHER!! Even me, before I moved here , in my "the world revolves around TO" manner didn tknow about it... but now i live here and I know all about MST!!!

It sucks...It sucks big time... But before I go on...for those of you in TO, MST would be 2 hrs behind Toronto, not THREE like VANCOUVER but TWO HRS!! Doesnt sound like a big difference but its monumental for some reason... There are no TV channels and by that I mean big TV channels that even consider MST, U either get it 8/7 central or 8 PST but no mention of MST, we are just expected to watch the shows according to the other time zones....very fustrating to manage times..

The worst is Desis...because you know typical desis they dont want any new info or to alter whatthey know.... people will call me and ask me what time it is..and ill tell them..and they will be like WHATTTTTTTTT what you talkin gabout it.... it shoudlbe 3pm...and Im like well yes it should be IF I WAS IN GODDAMN VANCOUVER but im not!! and of course then the desi will say Bloody stupid system... oh right its the systems fault you didnt know about MST!!!

I know its JUST AN HR but it make s a huge difference.....its NEVER a convenient time to call Saudi...Im always just getting in when its late in saudi or leaving for work when it would be good to call...but for some reason from TO it seemed alot more manageable a time difference.. I HATE TEN HR TIME DIFFS!! Pakistan is even worse...dont get me started on that...argh....middle of the night when I want to talk..its tooo middle of the night in TO to call anyone.... very highly fustrating..

This sounds really inconsequential I REALIZE, but its not... its very very very annoying to my life..

upset with MST,
S.

I want to break free...- Queen

2005-11-07T21:47:00.000-07:00

I am trying to write this post but I just cant seem to get the words perfectly in order... not that my blogs are ever in proper grammatical sentences or anything but there is a order to it... for some reason right now that order just wont come to me..but yet I keep trying today....usually at this point I woudl just give upa nd walk away from my computer...but I just want to write this blog and I cant... how stupid is that... Ig uess I think once its out on my blog then it wont be in my head anymore... but I guess thats not true..

On friday night I laid a ghost to rest... hard to explain how or what that was about but I did it..and I feel so relieved...so relaxed...so utterly content for having finally been able to "break free" - hence the repetitive playing of the song-....

How to explain this? You see, at one point in my life I felt I had to release a dream, not give up on it, but just release myself from its clasp so I could actually allow my life to move foward. I felt that this dream, khwab would be a much more fitting word ( funny how some words just dont translate perfectly!!!), well this khwab was capturing my life in a moment, a moment I couldnt get past..a moment I didnt want to see beyond...becuase I liked the khwab so much, actually I adored living in that khwab...but like all good things, it came to an end when I chose my life over the dream... the khwab became a ghost..

But that ghost stayed with me, always appearing when I didnt expect it to... often when I have my chai on my balcony watching the sun set over the Rocky Mtns, it would creep up on me... and I began to just never want to think about it.... because I felt to acknowledge this dream now would be the same as admiting that I was wrong to choose to have released it... so I would push the thought to the far recesses of my mind...but it remained a shadow for me...

Then Friday night, dinner with friends at an Arab restuarant and I was freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!! It just happened, sitting there the moment crept on me so suddenly that I didnt have the itme to push the thoughts away.....they were playing Sarah Mclachlan's song Ice Cream...if I had been even paying attention to the music I would have known that moment was coming...

But none of that matters, what matters is...as I sat across from one of the most insecure and pretentious people who want the world to think they are so cool, so sauve, so worldly, I realized that I was FREE!!!! never to be crept up upon again, never to have to make that same decision a million times over....

I AM FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

this most makes no sense, but its out there and its in perfect order..

S.

So pig headed sometimes!!

2005-11-05T21:14:00.000-07:00

Sometiems Kasim is so foward thinking and so modern AND OTHER TIMES its like banging your head against a wall!! It really is!! Its just so aggravating.. this semester I decided to take a few courses that were outside the box, that took me out of my comfort zone...so I took a Women's Studies course, now for some this might seem like a wierd choice given that I wanted to go outside the box...well for me, its been quite the experience, I have had to leave everything I have been taught or know to be true, whether that is relgious, social, cultural and learned knowledge and leave it at the door when I stepped into that class on Saturday at 1pm.

I have struggled alot with what was taught in that class.. not only because it went so against much of what I was taught to be... what it means to be a good person, what it means to be a good wife...but at the same time I have enjoyed every moment of it, in a weird way I have enjoyed challenging my norms and perceptions what is right. Women's studies is not a room full fo women bitching, and if it is a room full of women bitching then there really is a reason.. yeah maybe that reason is over analyzed and over compensated for....but to think of where women were and where women still are...it truly is tragic.....

I remember attending a lecture by one of Gulbie's khalas and they were talking about the struggle for womens rights in Pakistan. She said, when the Ahmedis are being persecuted the Christians fight for their cause, when the Shias are attacked in the world then the Sunnis support them, when the Blacks are being persecuted then other races help, but when it is women, the world is silent. No one lifts a finger, most people tend to turn their heads or avert their eyes... I am often reminded of that thought while I sit in this class....

I think that day, Gulbies aunt was talkign at a much more macro level of the struggle of women, but this class has made me realize the more insidious mundane occurences of discrimination that so many of us take for granted, the reaosn why cockpits are now called flight decks, why you will hard pressed to find a male receptionist at any office, why there is a pink ghetto??

What kills me more, is when I leave class Kasim is waiting to pick me up and I am just brimmign with Feminist Outrage. At the beginning of the semester I would pour out everything we had discussed assuming my foward thinking and very modern husband would appreciate the struggle women face but rather Kasim came back with things like give me a break, if anything women have it easier. He thinks women have it easier because people liek to hire pretty girls and with all this "feminist talk" now people want to let more girls into uni programs, he actually thinks men are the victims here... At first this led to some really lively discussion which quickly degenerated into arguements....arguements I could never win.... my mistake was in assuming that Kasim could appreciate any of what I was learning...doesnt make my husband a bad guy or anything...it just means he is conditioned to his desi way of thinking, and his engineer soaked ways... but what this did for me, was to open my eyes to exactly what Women were facing..

Its not enough to simply acknowledge the struggle women face and that life is tough...its not enough to understand our men.... My mom always says that to us, understand your man and adjust accordingly.... Sorry mom thats just not enough, yes it makes for a easier life for me and bodes well for the level of happiness in my house... but what about Saania and my daughter, if someone hadnt given up the comfort of their homes and their adjusted lifestyles then I would not be sitting at the uni taking this course, I would not have the ability to confidently walk into my office each day and report to a female vice president... none of that would have existed...I am not advocating that we all tell our husbands to get a life and start fighting with them all day long... No thats not the solution either...

A realization that the struggle of women is ever continous...each women has a responsiblity of facing that and DEALING with it, not simply accepting it.. Acceptance and looking the other way has landed paki women in the situations they are in today.....damned if they do, and damned if they dont.. I am probably lucky, that I have a husband that is not very "desi", a clean house, a cooked meal, laundry done, are not impo to him, he wants me to pursue what I want in life and to do what I want..... but my mistake was that I thought these qualities made kasim a foward thinkign or modern guy, NO they simply make Kasim a slightly better desi guy....

And thats not good enough... I want my daughters to earn the same as my sons, I want to know that if they slogged themselves to death in school, stayed up studying all night it was not for64 cents for each dollar my son earned... it was for that same dollar..

Yeah maybe I am expecting alot, and maybe this all sounds rather too much, but why not?? Why not reach for more??

on a feminist trip tonight,
S

My never ending battle...

2005-11-03T18:40:00.000-07:00

So this morning in the shower, I came across a problem I often come across... AND IM AT MY WITS END WITH THIS!! its the never ending cycle of shampoo and conditioner...now I dont know what the acceptable and proper format for washing my hair is... all I know is that I cant seem to get it right so that my shampoo and conditioner finish at the same time. I TRY AND I TRY and I always have conditioner left over...

So heres what happens, I go out and buy the shampoo conditioner (these days its Brilliant Brunette by John Freida- LOVE IT!!!) come home and start using it.. Now about two weeks into this scenario, I am squeezing the last drops of shampoo but have like HALF A bottle of conditioner to go... So out I go to get shampoo to finish off the conditioner...rationalizing that if I went through half a bottle of conditioner with one bottle of shampoo, the reverse should be true...but it never never is... of course somehow..I will be left with like 1/3 of the shampoo...so now what do I do....I go out and get some conditioner...and the cycle just revolves and revolves...

Now this system would work fine, if it wasnt me who was stuck in it...because I always want to try new products..and experimetn around...but this vicious cycle doesnt allow me todo that... I am stuck with the same damn shampoo/conditioner combo forever...until finally I just gather up a feww different brand boottles of half full condtioners...and then invariable I will go out and buy so cheapoo shampoo to finish off all those bottle of conditioner...

SO AGGRAVATING!!!!

S.

HELP!!

2005-11-02T21:53:00.000-07:00

So my site has been totally invaded.....Id ont know how to get rid of all these random comments...Samarkand you mentioned that encoding?? HOW DO I DO IT!!!!!!!

HELPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP

S.

All grown up..

2005-09-28T19:14:00.000-07:00

Today is my brothers birthday...Happy Birthday Hassan... i hadnt intended to blog today.... in fact I sat down at the computer to prepare for my book club meeting tommorrow...but I just happened to open my email...Dad had written to all of us and Hassan had written as well.. I started to read my dads email and it was good email but very typical of the way my dad writes... I openned my bros email expecting his usual nice, "I love you all but am way too busy to really write kinda way" but he had written such a logn email..

I couldnt bring myself to really read the whole thing...I dont know why... I have this tendency whenever I get an email to quickly skim the email and then go back to the top and start reading. As I skimmed hassans email and I kept skimming and kept skimming because the boy had WRITTEN an email to us... my god it was an EMAIL!! I just realized that he's all grown up...thistime really grown up not in a we really want hassan to grow up so he is now a grown up kind of way....nor a hassan needs to be more responsible so now we have to treat him like a grown up......but in a manner all of his own, Hassan had really become an adult...

I mean I had some indication that this time was coming...recently Hassan posted on one of my blogs and I was just amazed at the maturity and strength of the words he wrote... it truly shocked me then...and I remember talking to Sadaf and Rabs and saying, hey did you read what Hassan wrote??? Can you believe what he wrote?? But I realize now, that we were doing Hassan a real injustice, because we were not accepting or even realizing I guess that he was growing up...or had grown up.. I mean for Sadaf and me at least, hassan was always that little baby brother that we left behind in saudi when we went off to boarding school. And maybe we werent ready to accept that Hey, Hassan a person and someone who knows whats up!!! In all honesty, Sadaf and I have only just begun to come to terms with Rabia the ADULT, so its no great suprise that Hassan adultness came as a shock!

But WOW, here he is, my bro.... and god WHAT A JOURNEY IT HAS BEEN!! hahahaha Hus, you really took us for a ride didnt you? I mean the stories I could tell about the things hassan has done to himself, to the family and just with his friends... I swear he gave new meaning to the words " teenage years".... But Hassan, I will say this...now I am thankful for all those sleepless nights, the silent dinner, the tears, the screaming....becuase you know what...if I had the chance to take back even one of those moments but it meant changing the person you have become I wouldnt change a thing. Because every event, every emotion, every shriek, every "heartfelt talk", every tear has shaped the person you are today and has in many ways shaped our family as well... and I like the person you are, maybe I wish the journey hadnt been so rough...but c'est la vie! we all survived it didnt we?

Everyone always says that Hassan and I are not close, because we havent spent much time together, because we dont talk often, or because our lives are so different... But I have always felt that Hassan is my mirror reflection... When he messes up, I know what was in his mind because its the same stuff that has gone through my mind, when he is mad at something so stupid with mom, I have to smile because I totally get what he is thinking, because IVE THOUGHT THAT MYSELF WITH MOM!! Its scary how much of myself I see in him, and so yeah maybe I dont talk to him enough, or maybe I dont get the chance to guide him as much as Id like.....but it doesnt matter...because Sadaf and Rabs you wont ever know him the way I do! hahahahahha

Hassan, I hope your birthday was great... I wish we had been together...but I know that you dont wish that because you had a great time with friends...and this is the time for that.... but I just wanted you to know that Im thinking of you today... that you mean the world to me... remmeber, you are our fathers pride, our mothers joy, and you are your sisters heart.

I love you,
S.

I knew him..

2005-09-14T10:16:00.000-07:00

but to be honest I didnt really know him. It just so sad..A friend of my older sister, a girl I went to MMI with, lost her brother in a fatal car accident on the weekend. It just made me so sad to hear the news...so incredibly sad...

Sometimes things jsut happen like this that make you realize how short and precious life is.. maybe now Im getting older and just so much more aware of these events. Like when we were younger, I guess our parents would shelter us from these events and we wouldnt find out right when the event happeend, so we couldnt see the shock, hurt, pain, sadness, by the time we found out most of the people invovled had dealt with their emotions and seemed to be fine.. so I always found death to be so contained and just somethign that you shrugged about..

now that Im older it feels so much more real, and I see what it does... I know we are not to fear death and that we know its a part of our lives..but yet...just hearing about her brother upset me so incredibly... because I had met him when he was a child, a young little boy who used to play on his nintendo and bug his sister. She loved him so much, was a mother to him given that his parents were so much older at the time and he had been a suprise for them..

I cant even imagine what she is going through, I left a note on an online condolence site... but I just dont know even what to say if I were to call her..she probably wont even remember me or want to hear from me...

You know the day thatI found out about his death, my biggest worry that day or concern was about a cocktail umbrella. A Co-worker had given me a cocktail umbrella and I was trying to figure out why?? That was my concern, that was my worry that day... you know some days you get so down on life and you think your life is so tough and so upsetting... i have those days all the time...and they can get me so down...everything seems so tough, so impossible, so not how i imagined it.. but on a day that life made me take stock, my greatest concern was a cocktail umbrella... so in the grand scheme of things.... Im one of the lucky ones...and I should focus on that... when your worries are so little or so trivial then you should be thankful for the lives we lead... maybe Im just over reacting but I just wanted to write this...

feeling morose,,

S.

Why do I do it?

2005-09-10T16:16:00.000-07:00

I love trying new dessert recipes... Im always out lookign for something new that will use new and interesting ingredients. I dont even know why I enjoy it so much... but I just love the process of baking...but thats just it... I enjoy the process not the eating.. I hardly ever eat desserts and nor does my husband. So whenever I finish baking this wonderful master piece, Im left with a dessert that no one in my house is goign to eat and I dont know alot of people here since we just moved so what to do with this dessert. K and I have become the most eagerly awaited arrivals at work because I keep shipping off these desserts either to K's work or I keep taking them into mine.. So far in this manner, I have dispatched key lime pie, pecan pie, black bottom cupcakes, brownies, apple bars, cocunut crisps, home made ice cream wafers (god only knows why I tried that), cinammon pecan scones and countless other things... and those are only the successes...there are so many failures as well..

WHY AM I DOING THIS?? I have no clue.. I just keep baking and baking and baking... every time I go into the kitchen to cook, I end up baking as well.......ARGH this has to stop...

Today may be one of those failure days, I am trying made from scratch chocolat cake with this chocolate fudge icing which is also made from scratch.... The instructions said boil to soft ball(whatever that means) and then to let it cool and then whip it... Ok here is the dilemma....im at the cooling stage..and well lets just say the spoon is not exactly inserting into the "fudge" so that I can whip it...its like ROCK HARD....there are instructions that I can add some cream to soften it up...which I did only to have teh cream splatter all over me and the fudge is still hard....humph..what to do?? Of course, Kasim and his brilliant solutions, ARGH I mean I was already upset with him because before I began to bake he was like "NOT AGAIN! Im not taking it to work this time, its your turn" and then when he found out it was chocolate he was like " Why chocolate, why not something I might want to even try" Which is so annoying because he keeps wanting me to make stuff that he willonly have one bite from and thats it.. So when I was dealing with the rock hard fudge icing, he recommended using the drill to soften it up or at least break it up.. he thought he was so hilarious... whatever... I just left the icing and came into our den..

Now when I stop blogging, I have rock hard icing and half made cake batter waiting for me.. Once I get teh spoon into that damn icing I hve to whip it for 45 mins...all this work and no one will touch it here... Im really upset with myself right now...why do I do this...alwaysssss...

off to deal with my damn baking

S.

Out dated.

2005-09-08T20:22:00.000-07:00

So its going to happen, I know it will..it has to happen..we cant avoid it...or at least I dont think we can..

We are all going to fall behind technology... Im not talking about anything like cosmic or whateve.r.. but you know that lady who you work with..who has no idea how to function a computer even and they fustrate you to no end with how dumb they are at it...and in your mind you are thinking...god its so simple why cant you just pick it up... well thats going to be us...all of us... because there is no way we can all keep on top of everything esp given how fastthings are..

WE will all be that lady... scary...but thats just it...

I mean its already happening... I try my best to stay savy of all thelatest stuff..but some of it its just like over my head...this whole IPOD thing...im only now starting to use one...and thats only because RAbs and Hassan got one and I wanted one.... I have a cell phone that has features that I can not even phathom... i mean Im happy to press send and end....thats about as hi tech as my cell phone needs to be really...

There are things out there like texting....Im still looking at the keys while I text... im so happy to get a msg sent to hassan that by the time I close the phone, I have a msg back from him double as long as the one I sent. Im like helloo no one can type that fast...it just cant be....but it is...and they are taking me over...

Another thing...this whole Orkut stuff and scrapping each other...the next generation is INVENTING WORDS i havent even heard of...SCRAPPING!! I mean come on!!! But it exists and its a part of their worlds....slowly Im learning it as well..but in the end I wont be at their level..

and with each new wave, I will be fall that much further behind... until i will be outdated, out moded...and out cooled.

Not wanting to be that lady at work,
S.

Time to go..

2005-09-07T21:27:00.000-07:00

Once again Im moving in the bank...before I go though.. Im goign to just let everyone know about allt he annoying things clients do to really make CSRs go insane at the bank... So I present to you the list of things NOT to do at the bank.. Use this as a guide the next time you are at the bank and standing in a CSR line up...

Things I can not stand about clients:
1) Clients who wait in 10 min lien ups and still come up to you and ARE NOT ready to be helped, they spend the next five mins pulling out envelopes and cards and what not...and THEN they have the audacity to complain about the line up.

2) Clients who never ever want to present their client card or enter thier pin #, you know what WE ARE NOT MIND READERS WE DONT JUST MAGICALLY KNOW WHO YOU ARE

3) Client who yell at CSRs when we are unable to do things exactly the way you want...dont yell at us... A) it does not make us want to serve you any better B) ITS NOT OUR GODDAMN DECISION we are JUST and i repeat JUST the messenger... If you want to yell, get a manager and be Polite when asking for a manager.

4) DO NOT WALK UP TO THE COUNTER on UR CELL PHONE, PAGER, PALM, BERRY whatever it is... because honestly you are not more busy then I am, yeah you make more money but at that very INSTANT you need me more then I NEED You...you were in the damn line up so get off the damn phone and take care of your business.

5) Client who complain about how much money WE the bank are making and how the CSRS are scamming people out of their money. YEAH the bank and i repest the goddamn BANK makes alot of money, the CSRS definately are not seeing any of that money so stop complaining.

6) Clients who tell the CSRs how to do their jobs, you know what...we do the same transactions over and over again...believe me we know what we are doing... your acocunts are not special, nor is your deposit, withdrawal or bill payment, so I will make sure the job is done but it will be done MY WAY!!!

7) Clients who are full of their own importance and believe the bank should bend over backwards for them because they have a little bit of money with us. I hate to tell you this, but if you had money then you would be in the department Im moving to, not standing in CSR line up..

8) Clients who just hand you the cheque, bill, or whatever and dont tell you what to do with it... ONCE AGAIN we are not mind readers.. there are multiple things we can do with the damn item... SPEAK UP...ur holding up the line up.

9) Clients who dont tell you everything they want to do at the beginning.. If you are going to make a dep, get cash and pay some bills tell me everything at once... dont keep doing things one at a time... its the most annoying and fustrating thing.

10) Clients who say it doesnt matter what kind of notes you give them for their cash and then when you come back they ask you to change all the bills... I MEAN COME ON!!!

11) Clients who want to chat ( this might be jsut a Sobs one) but Im not your friend, you are not my friend...dont be chatty..just tell me what you want and thats all.. if I want to chat Ill chat to my co-worker not YOU

12) Dont under any circumstance tell the CSRs how the bank could do a better job of managing the branchs and the line ups...because you know what...the CSRs already know...unlike you we are there everyday..you think we dont know how the bank could do things better...guess WHAT?? no one is listenning.

13) Complaining about the line ups...heres the thing..if you are going to come to the branch at lunch time...or at the end of the month or beginning of the month or during pension time...well guess what YOU ARE GOING TO WAIT!! because thats when everyone wants to come...so dont complain...its not our fault that everyone had the brilliant idea of coming to the bank at the same time

14) Clients who dont trust the computer and bank machines...ahh you do realize that we use computers at the teller services right?? I mean its not like i manually put your money in the account....USE THE DAMN MACHINE! (this again might just be a sobs one)

ok I guess thats enough for the moment...there are more...Im sure there are.... very important ones that I am missing but I think you get the picture... and remember CSRs are just doing their job..just like everyone else...and before anyone goes asking me if I am ever rude to telemarketers the answer is NO, I simply tell them that Im the nanny and that the missus will be home soon.

S.

when will I learn?

2005-09-06T09:20:00.000-07:00

Im not a super hero, I swear to god Im not and I totally know that I am not... but every morning I TRICK myself over and over again....into believing that I am.

id ont knwo what it is...every night I go to sleep with every intention of getting up early and not rushing through the morning.. I diligently set my alarm clock for 6:30am and my cell phone alarm for 7am... and off to sleep I go... of course reading in bed for an hr before I go to sleep... but then invariably on a sunday night the book will be too good to resist...and ill just keep reading until 2am and tell myself that I will be ok. That I can handle a full day of work on 5 hrs sleep... that I have been sleeping all weekend so it shouldnt be a problem....thus begins the superhero trap..

the alarm goes off at 630am which I of course SLAM shut...only to be followed by my cell phoen at 7am which i invariably snooze...five mins later i snooze again...and then again..and then again.. of course the whoel time im doing this Im convincing myself of my superhero powers.. that I dont need to get up so early because I can shower in 5 mins, pick out what to wear in 3, eat breakfast while blow drying my hair, and be out the door in 15 mins... it is all lies I tell you...all lies...because every morning my super hero skills fail me just as soon as my feet touch the carpet...

But there is just something about being in my warm cozy bed that convinces me that I am completely able to perform these tasks at superhero speed... the saddest part about the superhero complex is that I AM AWAKE IN BED FIGURING ALL THIS OUT!!! Why not just get out of bed and start the day.... but then folks that would make me normal and normal is not something I do to well..

When will I learn...im not a superhero never was and never will be... im just sobs...who needs 15 mins int eh shower, 30 mins to decide what to wear, and 10 mins to eat breakfast, 10 misn to blow dry hair, 5 to apply make up, 2 mins to put on jewelry, 6 mins to make lunch, 3 mins to pack my bag and 4 misn to decide whether to torture my feet with heels or wear flats and look like a bum, 1 min to scream at KAsim to get his lazy butt out of bed, 1 min to pick a shawl( yes my work is FREEZING i need a shawl each day), 2 mins to wait for the elevator, 10 mins on train, 6 mins to get my coffee, 2 mins to say hello to everyone before my day begins..

a full process that each mornign my mind believes can be done in 30 mins.

paying today for my superhero thoughts,
S.

The Palm Tree

2005-09-04T22:33:00.000-07:00

Today I walked all over Calgary downtown. I dont know why.. I didnt set out with that plan but thats what it ended up being.. At one point I was taking a break on a bench near an old church and watching these two people plant a tree. I dont know why they were planting that tree so late in teh season but there they were. I was suddenly reminded of another tree in another country planted so many years ago.

It was in Saudi Telecom compound and Auntie Rizwana had a palm tree planted out in the front of their house and she would spend hours watering the tree and surrounding areas. I remmeber often driving over to their place only to find auntie watering her plants. A memory that I had completely forgotten... I wondered about that tree...is it still there, does anyone ever look at it and wonder how long its been there...just another link...a forgotten one perhaps..but nonethe less a link to my time in Saudi.

Sometimes my days in Saudi just seem to far away...so removed from my life now... but then something will happen or something will jerk my mind and it will all feel so real again. My father sent an email the other day to all of us siblings...it was a precious email...one I will probably read often in the years to come...it wasnt the emotion or the words in the email that made it so special to us... and honestly, it was only afterwards when I spoke to Sadaf and Rabs that I realized how important that email was to me...

For the simple reason that it encompassed a part of my life... at the exact moment that I cringed at a memory int he email, Sadaf , Rabs and Hassan cringed as well....if I laughed outloud at nother one like "what about me?" I knew those three were laughing as well at that exact moment. Its so simple...they shared my life......they lived my every moment back then..when we tell stories there is no need for histories and explanations..its enough to mention that moment and we know..... we laugh at the good times...shake our heads at the bad time... but thats just it...our good times and bad times are one and the same...our highs and lows were the same... our hideous photos and videos that should never be seen are the same.....

Maybe now our lives are not the same anymore....but that doesnt matter.. Hassan and I could be sitting miles and miles apart in Calgary and Montreal... but our memories bind us to each other....that connection can never be lost no matter how many days go by without speaking to one another... the bond has irrevocably been created that hold us together...and for that I will e forever grateful to my parents... because the bond of family that binds us together, sadaf rabs hassan and myself...is a bond full of memories of us laughing, goofing around, being pagal....and just being us...each one of us so uniquely defined individuals......

And the two people responsible for making those memories what they are for us...for making us a family...are my parents... they gave us these memories...and tied us four together....so even when we are alone in a place, we really in our hearts are not... thank you mom and dad.

So maybe that Palm tree stands gaurd outside another families home... or maybe the house is empty right now... but for me whenever I see a palm tree I will forever be reminded that baby palm tree and those fun and carefree days of our youth spent going over to Saudi Telecom... good memories of really happy times for us all...

thinking of palm trees tonight.
S.

what is right? what is wrong?

2005-07-04T23:26:00.000-07:00

Heres the thing...you just cant tell your heart who to love?? It sucks, and I mean really sucks...your heart wants what it wants. Its that simple! It sucks, but it is what it is....

Its very easy to know what you should want, but its never that easy to tell your heart to want the same thing. Now, that Im married, I seem to have developed this attitude of being very "ahh, whatever" about love and being in love, which is so wrong!! I feel my friends should all just get married and start to live life and get on with things...I actually catch myself getting fustrated when they mention things like wanting to feel a spark, or be attracted to the guy. But why not?? Why shouldnt you want to get your hearts desire, why shouldnt you be able to get everything you imagined as a little girl dressed up in a pink tutu imagining this prince charming would swoop down to find you.

Every girl wants that, every girl wants to love a prince charming and who am I to decide what you need or want...Screw me.... how dare I ?? So what if your prince charming is a TOAD? So what if I cant stand to breate the same air as him....he makes you happy....then screw me and the world is what I say..

Desis run after the package, right guy, right looks, right family, right background, right education, right EVERYTHING...and when you get it...you think you have been given a GOD SEND and you are the luckiest girl/guy around... thats desis for you....doesnt matter if we are satisfied....we are too trained to believe that happinesss is nestled indoing the "right" thing....personal satisfaction just simply gets left at the side of the road..

But there are a few desis...who are willing to wait for more then just the person with the right package....well you know what...now, I realize there jsut arent enough of us brown ones who are waiting...so I really do think if you want a spark and you are willing to hold out for it THEN IM ALL ABOUT THAT!! Im so sick of the package....I just want some REALY ACTUALY GENUINE EMOTION!!!

Geniune emotion will get you through those really tough nights when your heart is bleeding.. Bleeding hearts dont heal with comforting thoughts about how everyone in the world is jealous because you got the package....they heal because someone has enough GENUINE emotion to reach across the bed and pull you into their arms.

So, this blog doesnt make any sense but for the one its written, I hpe you hear what I am saying... Have the guts to put out your hand and I promise you it will be held....cliche I know but its just so goddamn true..

S.

my desire to be Mattesque

2005-06-21T08:48:00.000-07:00

its been a while...thats all Ill say about that...

I joiend a new branch at work and the people...well lets just say they are not the most welcoming and friendly bunch in the world..I have given the situation some careful analysis..and have come upwith the following reasons..1) they could just have snobbish attitudes to cover the insecurities they feel as human beings 2) it could have something to do with being a branch downtown. and the last but most likely one is this 3) that before I came here I decided I would be "mattesque" in my approach to everyone I met at this new branch.

What is "mattesque" many of you may be wondering? But for those who know Matt then know EXACTLY what I am talking about..but for the rest of you... Mattesque is a concept that has developed through careful anaylsis of Matt's behaviour and reactions over the last few yrs.

So here are the qualities that embody Mattesque behaviour. Everything in mattesque is an ABILITY. So they are the abilities to
1) to look busy and convince others that you are busy without doing ANYTHING
2) to be part of a group activity and not participate..AND NO ONE NOTICES!!
3) to appear stand offish with fellow employees and deflect personal questions without drawing attention to the fact that you are not answering the question.
4) to get people to do things for you...RANDOM DUMB things...just because they want you to like them
5) to get people to feel its important that you like them
6) never let anyone know what you are truly thinking except for a select one or two people.
7) wear brand name clothes as though u are wearing GAP
8) be completely self centered and narcissitic but in the nicest way possible so people dont even realize it.
9) slip under the radar when tasks are being handed out at group meetings
10) everything to fall itno place in your life wihtout any effort on yoru part...bascially having a horse shoe up ur @**
11) be completely snobbish in all things food or drink...making wasabi asparagus is a MUST
12) to get everyone to tell you all the gossip while sharing no INFO yourself.
13) and after all these things, still be a nice person..

The trick it seems is to be snobby at the core, but only allow it to show to those who you desire nothign to do with and to remain silent amongst those you are indifferent to....while getting those who you like to accept your snobbishness as just a part of who you are!!

So in my efforts to appear mattesque, I perhaps have successfully alienated the staff that I dont like while endearing those I do like to me.. It is not an easy task it is a forever developing process...but I believe the rewards far outway the effort it requires to be Mattesque.

ok now im at work and have behaved mattesque by ignoring everyoen and writign this blog...but i better get back to work now...i can only do mattesque in short bursts

S

Waqt.

2005-04-25T22:19:00.000-07:00

I went to watch an Indian movie over the weekend.. It had been a while since I watched an indian movie in the cinema and I was struck by the simliarity of Desi cinemas... It doesnt matter where you go..toronto, dallas, calgary, the desi cinemas are all the same...these run down cinemas that smell awful and sell samosas at the consession stands.. WHY DO THOSE PLACES SMELL SO BAD??? Oh and Desi cinemas are the only place where it is completely normal and acceptable for people to have little kids running around and babies screaming...

Anyways after my sense of smell was numbed to the stench, and my shoes had stopped sticking to the spilt coke on the floor, the movie finally started... LATE as usual, I may note.... but to my suprise...It was a good indian movie.. The movies name was Waqt and it was the story of the relationship of a father and his son, the movie is so poignant and captures that relationship so perfectly.. Of course, as is with all emotional desi movies it was quite the tradegy, but it had some really hilarious scenes....

It just gave me hope and made me realize that this tug of war, this teaching and learning of lessons, the special treatment, the severe punishments, the disappoinment....all the aspects of a Father/Sons relationship that are in the movie, have played out in each household... I know that each girl be it a mother, daughter, wife, or sister, has held her head in dispair that those men in her life are ever going to get along or ever even understand each other... But I guess in all honesty, they know themselves and each other better then we can ever possibly know...

We cant always make our parents proud of us, and our parents cant always guide us.... thats just the nature of the beast... God knows I test the patience and love of my father and mother even now.... I am probably one of their more "emotionally and spiritually" challenging children... ahhaha but thats another blog for another day...

Back to the movie, I hope all fathers and sons get to watch this movie... and just remember that time is only so short.....no matter how aggravating and insane the current situation is.... it will be so much worse when time does run out...

S.

101 Factoids about Me!!

2005-04-14T10:15:00.000-07:00

The time has finally come for me to forfill my promise of a 101 factoids about myself... I have be honest, I still only have 60 but hopefully the last 41 will come as I start typing... and even the 60 I have are quite bland and boring... Kasims conclusion on this dilemma is that I should just write the damn blog already and be done with it....

so here it is.... **drum roll please**

1) I like the color orange, I want orange walls
2) I am a "in-the-closet" Soft Rock listenner. Shania Twain all the way!!
3) I talk to my husband while he sleeps, almost on a daily basis
4) I check my email at least 20 times a day and never get any emails. yes it makes me a geek
5) I pick scabs until I leave scars, I have scars all over my body....
6) I wish I was in the FBI or SWAT( which is why I watch all the FBI shows on TV)
7) When driving, I always imagine I am taking part in a HIgh speed chase while never going over speed limit, (this one drives Kasim PAGAL)
8) Art Movies bore me... Govinda has the right idea!!
9) I often have the desire to sink my teeth into human flesh
10) That thought scares me...quite a bit...
11) I eat my keema with mustard...
12) am I a lesbian? I have given this some thought.
13) I have eaten a whole pecan pie, in one sitting.
14) more then ONCE!! ouch!!!
15) I read trashy Romance novels.
16) I read on the toilet always.
17) I hate the word panties..I just cant stand it.
18) I am not a fan of feet, unless they are my hubbies
19) I would rather watch Entertainment Tonight and Extra over the News.
20) I lie at all my job interviews.
21) I bullshit really well.
22) I have never been caught on my bullshit
23) I could be bullshiting on this list but not consciencsely
24) For the life of me, I cant spell the damn word consiously...whatever the hell it is
25) I do things ( such as listenning to certain musics) because I think its cool
26) Being cool is important to me
27) Being "edgy" and "alternative" is more important to me.
28) I can become anyone you want me to be.
29) I talk in front of the mirror while getting ready
30) Usually I am planning conversations I will have that night.
31) Yes, that makes me a loser.
32) I need to be center of attention ALL THE TIME...NO REALLY ALL THE TIME
33) I want people to like me,
34) Even more, I want to impress people that I find impressive!!
35) I know exactly what I want when I shop, I am never double minded..EVER
36) Thats because I always want the most expensive thing in the shop.
37) I dont believe that anyone is still reading this list.
38) I want everyone to still be reading this list.
39) more then that I want everyone to COMMENT about reading this list ( that was for Rabs)
40) I once convinced my older sister that the Kind of Saudi Arabia had died.
41) I once told a guys fiancee that he wears make up at wedding parties... I didnt know they were engaged at the time.
42) I once screamed "SHARK" in the sea, while my family was in Greece, when it was only small fisihes
43) I once told a Customs Officer that we were smuggling VCRS when we were not.
44) My mouth gets me in a lot and I mean ALOT of Trouble.
45) My mind works alot faster then my mouth, which is scary.
46) I am anal about being on time.
47) I can never be mean to people on the phone, I used to make Rabs be mean to people for me.
48) Procrastination is an art form for me, thats why this list has taken over 2 monthes to do.
49) I am an awful cook, who wants to make gourmet meals..
50) I want to buy EVERYTHING that is sold on TV.
51) The thoguht of slit wrists just makes me cringe..cant handle that thought.
52) Snuck out of boarding school all the time...
53) I miss the carefree days of high school!!
54) People tell me Im a good listenner.
55) I know alot of secrets about people that no one should know about others.
56) sometimes I dont want to know and I know!!
57) Many of you are proabbly suprised by the whole being a "good listenner" because I talk so much
58) That just means you arent close enough to me, or you dont have something important enough for me to hear.
59) When it matters, I listen and I accept
60) I think I am a better accepter then listenner.
61) Thats probably why I am good friends with alot of my siblings friends.
62) That is quite mean of me...
63) My husbands sneezes are scary
64) I am the worlds laziest cleaner married to a neat freak...GREAT COMBO!!
65) I suck at multi-tasking..esp when its reading on the net ant talking on the phone, Hens a pro at that !!!!
66) I call people on their bullshit even though I bullshit all day..
67) I act stronger when people around me are being weak.
68) Normally Im scared shitless.
69) I get embarassed for strangers all the time, esp when they are desi and doing something really DESI which is soooooo embarassing
70) I wish I was really awesome at just ONE THING and got world recognition for it.
71) I wish my family was famous...like the Kennedys
72) I just sent this list to someone for help with coming up with more things about me.
73) I am concerned baout my moms response to this list. hahaha but we shall see
74) I have a swearing problem!
75) I am getting desperate for "factoids" about me
76) I believe I know what is best for everyone and anyone
77) but myself, take very badily to criticism. actually very badily is putting it mildly
78) I have had a weight problem for as long as I can remember.
79) Im quite proud of the fact that I have inspired 6 blogs.
80) I am very open minded, something that kills my mom and sisters.
81) Making fun of Rabia is an art form for me.
82) I have never looked at myself naked in the mirror
83) I could have applied myself at school...but I didnt
84) I let people scam me out of money all the time.
85) I am moving in one week and have DONE NO PACKING YET!
86) When will this list end?
87) I have four plants named, James, Cybil, Tiger ( said in a strong desi Accent) and Prince.
88) My first borns name was Masti, and he was a Grey Tabby...I loved him to bits..
89) Saania Zuberi is the cutest baby alive...and if I ever figure out how to put her pics up on this blog I Would!!
90) I always root for the underdog in a sports game..doesnt matter which sport it is.
91) Cereal is the best meal ever invented.
92) I dont know where to download music anymore...or how to burn a CD
93) I love cheesy romance on TV shows.
94) I have a regimented TV schedule which I follow quite religiously
95) I dont think I have ever had a VCR that recorded.
96) I have rules for all events in my life, from tv remote control handling to choosing a restuarant.
97) I like rules and timetables...but get really weird when people mess with my rules and schedules.
98) REALLY WEIRD...and rabs was an expert at this.
99) I hate fowards, for the love of GOD stop sending me fowards!
100) people know too much about me now
101) As this list shows, my mind is scatter brained....random thoughts at all times

well there it is...my very own 101 factoids... please feel free to add ur own factiods about me....as i know some of you will be itching to add ur own observations about me!! So add away..

S.

This is the LIMIT!!

2005-04-13T12:25:00.000-07:00

Ok so I was watching TV last night and on the news they had a story about how Sesame St is at a crisis...because of our beloved COOKIE MONSTER!! They were being harassed by Health Food Nuts who wanted the cookie monster to stop eating cookies..they want him to eat fruits and veggies...and Sesame st CAVED!! So now an icon from my childhood, the Cookie Monster is going to be messed with...

GODDAMMIT THIS HAS ALL GONE TOO FAR!! Let the cookie monster eat his cookies, Let Bert and Ernie continue to live together, they are NOT GAY!! honestly, whats next?? Are the professionals of Metnal health going to force Sesame St to change Oscar the Grouch to Oscar the Happy...because it is affecting kids with ADD...... Its sounds crazy I know...but that is what is happenning..

People have become too sensitive to the effects of cartoons.. I mean are they saying that a generation of kids who grew up watching Bert and Ernie, the Cookie Monster and Oscar the Grouch are all Gay, Fat, and Maniac Depressives? Its just not realistic, people today are over sensitiving the issue, lets leave the cartoons alone...cartoons are just that CARTOONS....they are just there for us to have a good laugh!!

And it doesnt just stop at Sesame St..the madness is everywhere... you hear it all the time, Sponge Bob is gay, one of the Teletubbies is Gay, Barney may be Bi-sexual...its sickenning really... whatever happened to the asexuality of cartoons, where gender and sexual preferences had no bearing on the outcome of the show.... do people honestly think that a 3 yr old watching Teletubbies even has the comprehension to know the difference of whether one of the tubbies is gay or not?? It just makes me kinda feel awful for the kids of today and tommorrow...because they wont have teh simple childhood that I did...where it was 'safe' to watch the cartoons......thurs mornings meant getting up early and watching cartoons... even SAUDI TV played Sesame ST...

And while Im at it...do you guys remember the hours and hours of entertainment the Road Runner provided us all.. we loved it.. alwyas looking foward to the next way the wiley coyote would try to get the Road Runner...there is hardly a kid from my generation who wouldnt recoginze teh BEEP BEEP!!! But now, that cartoon is deemed too violent for kids and cant get a G rating.... its just tragic..

Longing for simpler times...

Painting Walls..

2005-04-11T19:08:00.000-07:00

So, the arguement is this I WANT COLOR and KASIM WANTS BEIGE!! My whole point is if we are going ot paint the walls we might as well make a statement doing it... I am not saying go red, orange or yellow... Hell in the end I may even like the simpel colors...the IDEA is to be open to new colors and to new styles....

Its so DESI to paint ur walls BEIGE/ WHITE/ GREY!! Its like there are so many colors to choose from and we just go back to those three because they are safe... The worst part is Kasim wont even admit that its because he is boring that he wants those colors...he is adamantly saying that its because he likes those colors...NO ONE LIKES BEIGE WALLS!! You have beige walls because you want to be safe....you dont want to rock the boat..and you dont want to take a risk... if he would just say, Sobs Im being a dorky desi who wants to be safe, then I would let him paint the walls whatever color his heart DESIRES!! But he wont say it...so its not happening.

I just want the chance to make my house feel like a home..THATS ALL!! A little color, im even willing to compromise and stay within neutral shades....but C'mon, give me something to wrok with....the worst is we will go out and love these peoples places and the colors they have chosen and everything, but then when it comes to our place, Kasim is like ahhhhhhhhh NO!! Ok so its good enough for others but not for our place....why?? Because our place needs to be boring AND DESI!!!

You know the desi house, with all beige walls, paintings hung slightly crooked because our damn desi asses are too lazy to ptu the efffort to hang paintings straight.....and of course, everyones shoes lined up in the foyer...because god forbid someone step on the DAMN TILE With shoes... We are all so worried about our precious Beige walls and our clean floors...but no one ever worries about that "Desi" food smell that you can smell for miles and miles and even gets into peoples COATS!! NASTY!!! Argh... I just want color on my walls...

Im at the point now that I am just going to go and get one of those little Crayola painting kits and just paint all the colors on my wall as I WANT THEM!! So there Kasim what you goign to do about that?? HUH?? Not even the whoel wall just, small little stripes of the all the damn colors in the dumb rainbow....

The funniest part is everyone si probably assuming Kasim and me had a fight over painting our walls, but the convo really was...
Me: So what color do you want to paint our walls?
Kasims: hmm do we need to paint?
Me: Yes, I hate the blue
Kasim: ok, beige
Me: Id like to look at some different colors?
Kasim: well how about beige?
Me: I meant real colors, like green, browns, blue
Kasim: you dont want blue, I like beige
Me: I could look at different kinds of beiges and other neutral colors?
Kasim: hmm there are shades of beige? I like basic beige
Me: ( in my heand) @&%#)@(*$%)*@$^*)$@^*)$@&@$
Kasim: So beige eh?

That was the conversation and decision according to Kasim...just wait...

Ill get my color..

S

Back To Blogging..

2005-04-07T20:36:00.000-07:00

I have to start blogging again..I have so many blogs in my head and whenver I sit down to write I seem unable to write any...I have to confess I have been working on a 101 things about me Blog...which is long overdue...but lets see what happeens...

S.

Robbed I was!!!!

2005-03-24T17:53:00.000-07:00

I just couldnt believe it!! I really couldnt believe it... I got robbed at the bank!! I mean, I made it through 3 yrs in TO at the bank and never got robbed but here I was in Calgary, a small sleepy town in Canada and I get robbed... well actually it was an attempted robbery as there was no cash given..It happened so suddenly that at first I did not even realize what was happening.. Imagine I ACTUALLY ASKED HIM FOR HIS CLIENT CARD!! Arghhhhhh... anyways...it was actually quite weird... He came ino the line up, calmly waited, called him up to the counter, he came up and said give me all the money?? this is when I asked him for his client card.... and thats when he started swearing and tellin gme He aint joking! My heart sank when I realized what was happenning.... but I stayed calm and saved the day.. Luckily he was too drunk and drugged out to even realize what was happening... He just stared at me for a minute and then turned around and left.. But I swear to god in that minute, I was wondering how the bullet would feel. I was imagining all sorts of dramatic "Matrix"esque moves... But he just walked out...It was just the weirdest thing in the world... I coudlnt believe it happened. Then of course the police came, the sketch artist, fingerprinting, the whole nine yards... that was the funniest. Bank gets robbed in TO, one cop shows up.... bank has an attempted robbery in Calgary and the whole police division descends on us. I was in this weird totally calm mood...very not affected by it at all... but I come out of my interview with the cops to find all the girls in tears, really upset and affected by the event. I was like WAIT A DAMN MINUTE...im the one who should be in tears and all upset....why the hell are all you girls trying to steal my damn thunder....STOP IT!!!!

Of course, having told everyone the story so far, I have discovered that the story would be cooler if there was a gun...and I had said something witty or smart to the guy. But what can I do?? The story is what it is...To be honest, I was really really freaked out..btu I was being macho.. The tough gal from Toronto and all!! But ti was in tryign to be macho that I ended up dealing with everything quite calmly....

So that was last night, and then this morning I get to the branch... we have a branch meeting to talk about what happened and how we felt...and everything.. I was in shock, I was like what the hell...this is just insane...it was an ATTEMPTED ROBBERY!! Nothign happened we are all ok...everyone needs to calm down and get back to being normal... But it only got worse... they had asked for a counsellor to come in to talk to us individually...it was a voluntary thing for everyone BUT ME!! I had to go...so in I went with the counsellor to discuss the trauma I had "suffered". The guy kinda got really confused because I was so calm and totally not freaked out at all by the situation...so we ended up just talking about things to do in Calgary....but it took an hr to get through everything. When I came out of the office everyone was like are you ok?? you feeling up to this?? are u sure u want to go back on the counter?? I WAS LIKE EVERYONE GROW UP!!!!!!!! Then the cherry on top was our Branch Manager decided to stand right behind me for 2 hrs this morning, just to make sure I was ok and that I didnt feel alone or threatenned...

This has been my day

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHh

S.

Guess What??

2005-03-17T10:24:00.000-07:00

Before I even start this blog, let me start by saying that I am really GRUMPY!! I was unable to get alot of sleep last night. I had one of those nights where you try to go to sleep on time and you are just laying in bed, wide awake....but you have this huge head ache.. Then of course as time passes you get really stressed that you are not going to get enough sleep. So, then you start to play that game where you say...ok if I go to sleep right now I will get 5 hrs of sleep, ok if I fall asleep RIGHT NOW I will get 4 hrs and so on and so forth.... Of course, everyone knows the game puts too much pressure on your sleep and you are completely unable to sleep but you do it anyways...utnil you realize you are down to like 2:30 hrs of sleep and your night is shot... so then the debate of whether you should risk falling asleep and being cranky and tired all morning or even worse over sleep, or should you just stay awake and try to get through the day. Of course if you decide to stay up...inevitably you will start to feel so sleepy that you can barely keep your eyes open.....so the debate is really quite pathetic because there are no benefits to be weighed...either way you lose....of course just remember this entire game and debate is happening while I lay next to my husband who is snoring and DEEP IN SLEEP!! To make myself feel better I woke him up twice during the night only to have him fall right back to sleep again...ARGH

In the end....I decided to stay up... I got out of bed and walked over to my computer and decided to call a friend in my extremely grumpy mood.... but I had good news and given the time difference it was the perfect time to call her.. So I call her and say GUESS WHAT?? and she says YOU ARE PREGNANT!!! ahhh that just got right under my skin... I just blew up at her...and its not even her fault... it is just that since I have gotten married I cant seem to say the words Gues what?? or I have good news!! without getting an immediate "You are pregnant"!! Its like common already!! I mean I just dont get it...the pressure in our society is so intense... first its school school, you barely survive that and then its marriage marriage marriage....do that and its Baby baby baby!! When does the madness stop really?? WHEN??

Ok I could handle it if it was one or two people but its everyone and its all the time... I talk to someone after a while and the first thing they ask is when you having a baby?? or pregnant yet?? Its like is that all there is left in my life.... I feel no void in the life that I lead and am happy yet every corner has someone reminding me of this next milestone that I dont feel ready to embrace yet... I just dotn get why the only good news I can give is having a baby... Argh seriously this needs to stop... I dont want to hear about it anymore, no more talking about buying clothes for my baby, no more dreams of me pregnant or with kids, no more baby naming, or describing me as a mother..

I just want to be Sobia for a little while longer... I gave up being single to be married...and I love this...but Im just not ready to jump again...Im not saying I dont want children...just not right now...but that seems to be unacceptable to our conventional thinking of School, Marriage, BABY!! God forbig we not follow the path...

So, GUESS WHAT??

S

At work

2005-03-16T13:55:00.000-07:00

So I believe I am a snob....not in the tradionational sense of the word because I dont have enough money for that...ahahha NOT YET at least... But as I am serving clients I refuse to touch them..and in case i do make contact I have anti-septic hand wash to put onmy hands and I have a "smelly client spray" that everytime someone smelly comes near me I spray as soon as they leave... not caring if they can see me. Also, I dont believe in chit chat with clients, whats the point really.. i have a job, let me do it and then please leave....

So Ive been considering my office and the people here... Have you noticed that almost all offices are the same...there are the same types of people everywhere. Each office has the bitter person, you know the person who is bitter with their position, the company, their boss and all their co-workers...and all they can do is talk about how perfect their last job was. Then there is the office gossip, who spends the majority of their time going from office to office gathering information and then dispersing it as need be. Then there is the eager beaver...the one who wants to do everything and perfectly.... and the loner...the person who wont share anything or help anyone... My office has all of the above...and more....

The World is Attempting..

2005-03-14T20:34:00.000-07:00

To Drive Me Crazy!!!

Now, I have carefully discussed this issue with Kasim on our drive home from picking him up from work... I seriously believe the world is making a sincere attempt to make me go insane......after making what I thought was a good case in my favour, Kasim calmly informed me that I am being very self absorbed and pyschotic....you can only imagine my reaction... I was like....you are working with the world...to drive me pagal!!! hahahah to that, he just deeply exhaled and said, "I am no longer having this conversation THE WORLD IS NOT TRYING to make you go insane"

Perhaps some of you will agree but believe me I think the world is trying to make me go crazy... Case in point... there is a cricket in my house that is chirping like mad....I mean its just **Chirp chirp chirp** I feel like I am sitting in the middle of Pakistan in a lawn at night...its just so loud and annoying... I have torn my house apart looking for this little insect....and I cant find it... ok now that wouldnt be so weird....but Whenever I go into the hall way leading to the bathroom the cricket stops chirping... What is that?? Why is that happening?? So about 10 times a night, I ahve to get up off the couch and walk into the hallway to make the cricket stop. The part that is making me go insane is that Kasim does not find this situation alarming and has no desire to do anything about the insect invasion in our house and has even gone so far as to DENY the existence of the cricket....

Next, we got our car back today after a month of driving an AMERICAN CAR **arghh** and everything was great...until... Kasim just asked me if the car was driving ok?? and I said yeah it seems good to me... and he was like Hmm I noticed that the rear right tire seems to be wobbling a little.. I was like oh ok... thinking nothing of it at the time... But then afterwards, I SWEAR I could feel that my tire was going to fall off any second...then my car felt like it was jerking first to the right and then to the left... I felt like the car just had a will of its own...and I have these visions of the tire just rolling off while I was driving....so I barely keep myself together and get to work, I call Kasim to tell him my fears expecting him to tell me Im crazy.... He just distractedly says, well that is a possibility.....GREATTTT nothing to worry about there, eh??

Now the next thing is even freakier....we get home to find our water bottles inside our apartment and all of Kasims shoes lined nicely against the wall OUTSIDE OF THE CLOSET WE LEFT THEM IN THIS MORNING..... so of course I realize that this is just a further attempt on the part of the world to drive me mad....but Kasim still doesnt see it...he thinks there must be some sort of logically explanation for this matter...I DONT SEE IT!!!!!!! So, after investigating the shoe incident and getting distracted by my Cricket who I have decided to name Jezabel..... I come out into the dining room, to find my husband calmly removing "static straps" from his legs... Im like whats that...and he simply explains It helps to keep me grounded and demagnetized.... Great Im married to an alien!!!! Now tell me thats not enough to make you think you are going insane, or that there is some consipiracy to drive me insane..

Yes, upon re-reading my blog, I realize that perhaps it is not the world but Kasim who is attempting to drive me mad... Now, the question is why?? Perhaps I will go and eat his head for an answe as he eats grapes and strawberries on the balcony....

Im off..

S

In Awe of love..

2005-03-09T21:49:00.000-07:00

I saw this old couple at the branch...... it took them about 10 mins to make the trek from the door to the counter...and then to produce their bank cards and books...their hands shook...their voices were slurred...and I just felt so awful.. My heart just sank thinking that someday all of us will look like that and be in that boat.. I just realized I dont thank Allah enough for everything that I have...my youth, my health, 10 fingers and 10 toes.. It was just amazing to watch this couple perform a task that should have taken only 2 mins over 10 mins... As I helped them, the wife apologized to me for taking so long and holding up the line, I assured her that it was no trouble.... The husband just grumbled to her....."For Godssakes dont make her pity us, why the heck woudl this lass pity us....we have each other" It just the cutest thing....and then of course he went on tell me how he had been a "casanova" in his day and if he had been younger I wouldnt be 'safe' ahahahhaha. It was really the cutest thing....

It reminded me of the dedication of Bertrand Russells Autobiography...written to his wife Edith.. I love these words...and today I was reminded once again of their meaning..

To Edith
Through the long yearsI sought peaceI found ecstasy, I found anguish,I found madness,I found loneliness,I found the solitary painthat gnaws the heart,But peace I did not find.
Now, old & near my end,I have known you,And, knowing you,I have found both ecstasy & peaceI know restAfter so many lonely years.I know what life & love may be.Now, if I sleepI shall sleep fulfilled.
Bertrand Russell

Mom, before you leave a comment telling me that you didnt like this blog at all.. I want you to know that watching you and dad...gives me hope each day for my own marriage...and that you guys are just a younger version of that couple I met...ahahahah I miss talking to you..

S.

Thus it begins..

2005-03-07T21:53:00.000-07:00

The alarm went off and it was Monday morning...time for Sobia to join the real world again... It was like this whole other world...everything was so new to me.. I know it sounds stupid, just being up at 6am...then getting ready...being on the road in traffic...looking at the clock and minutes tick by and rather then praying that time would speed up, I wanted it to slow down... Got to my branch, got admitted which in itself is a story....shook hands and smiled until my hand was limp and my lips hurt....was squestered at a computer to 'learn' the system I already knew...so rather I spent my time cruising the net....only to realize I was right back to wanting time to speed up...everyone is really sweet....everyone has kids or is either pregnant.....and I realized how Hick the place was when our branch manager spent the morning meeting discussing his trip to a Farm up north......worryingggggg to say the least....and everyone was so fascinated by this trip to the farm...and I was like huh?? why the @%&()$@ are talking about the damn farm.....

The first day ended and I realized that the Real World Sucks!! Why didnt anyone tell me this?? Why were you all so happy when I got a job?? Rather then saying good bye to my freedom, I should have been in SEVERE MOURNING!!! I blame all of you squarely for this rude awakenning.....But dont worry I have set my alarm again, and will brave another day....

S.

blogging from work..

2005-03-07T15:22:00.000-07:00

I have discovered I can blog from work...yah hoooo!!!

hahahaha Im sitting at a computer, wondering how I got here....dissecting where exactly my life when wrong..I have a fairly good idea..

S.

Toronto...tonight...

2005-03-04T20:36:00.000-07:00

Im missing it today... All of the great moments we had in TO. All day today friends called and kept talking about tonight..some excited, some nervous, some angry, some just BLAH...but they all called.....asking small questions, some even bigger life issues....all centered around the party tonight..

But you know what I realized, it was another event I was not there for... It just seems like the number of times I have not been there for these moments, seems to be outweighing the times I have been there. It just feels that much more distant, my life in TO. I can feel the distance almost....and yet I feel like Im right there.. I know exactly what to say when Sadaf asks what she should wear....or whether Gulbs bag should be gold.... I knew that when Henna called me at 7:24pm she was in the car exactly 6 mins away from getting to Fahads place...no way she was going to be late!! I also knew gulbie would be getting there at 9pm....nothing had changed...everything was the same, as I had left it....I just never knew that it would still be tough to be away from all that after all this time... yeah you meet new people....great people...but had I known that my time in TO with those people was limited, I might have held on a little tighter, enjoyed each moment a little more...no actually I enjoyed it all so much..I woudl have savoured those moments better...

I would usually spend this next paragraph telling myself all that I ahve to be thankful in my life...but after talking to Sarah and Rabs today and getting the rude awakenning that they were sick of hearing about how much I loved my hubby and how lucky I was to marry him... yadda yadda yadda and the next part I quote.. WE GET IT YOU LOVE HIM!! GET OVER IT!!! STOP MAKING US PUKE ALREADY!!!! Gotta love those bitter Lowelies!!!! I have decided not to mention any of that...

So instead a list of things I would have done tonight had I been in TO:
1) Coffee after work with Holmz and Harry, even though we were goign to see each other in two hrs.
2) Conversation with Sadaf as soon as I got home telling her what to wear
3) Meeting the lowelies and gossiping with them, listenning to them bitch about everything and anything
4) Rushed phone calls to Henna and Gulbie to figure out who was wearing what and when we were goign to get there.
5) Screaming at Harry for being late to pick me up even though he didnt need to give me a ride.
6) Hug Auntie Rizwana when I met her, and hear her yell at us for being so late...and telling me Sobia App meri friend nahee ho...
7) Laugh and Laugh with my friends in a corner at the party
8) Go to Sheesha with everyone, and enjoy a great hukkah
9) Late night stop at Tim Hortons

but the thing I will miss the most....is
10) watching Saanoo dazzle the crowd with her knowledge of NO!! NO!! and where her toes and fingers are...

So tonight as Im home alone (Kasim working late) I am just missing it all...and wondering what everyone wore, how their day was, did they have fun, and most of all..

Did you all miss me?
S.

Good Morning, Good Evening, and Good Night!!

2005-03-02T20:40:00.000-07:00

For the moment, I am saying goodbye to my freedom. I am dedicating these next few days before monday to bidding my life as a housewife good bye... I always thought when this moment finally came I would be saying good bye and GOOD RIDDANCE!! But I dont find myself as ecstatic as I thought I would be... I know this is insanity because all I have talked about for the last year...is going back to work, starting school, doing something with my life other then sitting at home...but now that the moment is here...I want to throw it that much farther into the future..but I cant do that...Monday will come, and my alarm will go off at 6am and I will go back to work....but UNTIL that time...I am saying good bye..

So mom, dont call me at 8am, or 9am, or 10am...because I am sleeping in for the rest of the week...and I will be staying up until all sorts of ungodly hours.. I wont be changing out of my PJS until well past 3pm and when I do change..it will be into sweats.. I shall be vegging in front of the TV to watch all the latest on the soaps for one last time....Ill watch Maury, Jerry, Oprah, and Dr. Phil all I want... I wont feel guilt for cheering people on Jerry to FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!!! I will be not cleaning up the place, have dinner ready, or do the laundry.....

I will be on msn 24/7, and if that makes me a loser...then loser it is for the next few days....I shall read all the blogs I want.....and scavenger through the internet looking for insanely dumb information... I shall definately write a blog with 101 factoids about myself...inspired by a fellow blogger Dan!! I will spend time writing responses on www.gupshup.org... I will read trashy romance novels...and waste my time at leisure...I will allow dust to gather on the center table and NOT itch to clean it...I will not stock my freezer with all sorts of home made goodies....I shall be taking aimless walks through calgary just going whereever I go...I will spend time at Tim Hortons... I will not pay any mind to my hubbys mood and his reaction to my farewell to freedom..

Perhaps this is not the smartest way to spend the next few days...perhaps I will regret this...but all I know is that I am relishing these next few days and I will doo all of the above and I will do it simply because I can.

S.

Nationality

2005-02-25T00:17:00.000-07:00

What is nationality and what is identity?? I was reading about these concepts and came across some really interesting discussions on the topic. The topic really struck a chord with me because this is an issue I feel I should resolve in my life......but I am afraid that there really is no resolution.

As I drove Kasim to work this morning, I brought up the conversation with him. I asked him his nationality? He said Pakistani and I asked him what his identity was? and he said Pakistani. I envied him the simplicity of his answer.... and began to question him on the choices he had made.... I asked him what nationality our children would be, and what they would identify with...and thats when our conversation got interesting....because that is where the lines begin to merge and the answers are not so simple.

I hold a Canadian passport, does that make my nationality Canadian?? But isnt that just a paper identity for me?? I mean what does it mean in my life to be Canadian....is that even something that is important to me...or is it simply the means to an end... So if not Canadian then what?? Am I Pakistani, but I have spent no time in Pakistan, I know nothing really about that country.. Should not there be more substance then simply having the same color skin as everyone in that country.... Neither Arab, I feel no love or affliation for that land, my love is grounded in my family there and the memories of times spent there.. So I come full circle, what is my nationality?? In this whole world, there has to be a place I can call home and feel that I belong....

As I talked Kasim through my thoughts, he began to come to the same realization that I had. Though it is simple to say Pakistani, it perhaps is not the whoel truth when it comes to us.. I believe being Pakistani is part of my heritage and a continuing part of my Identity but I really can not say that it is my Nationality... Kasim could not figure out why I needed resolution to this matter?? He said, ok so this is a gray area in our lives, so be it....we have both lived great lives, been to alot of different places, had experiences no one else gets the chance to...so if the cost of those great lives has been our nationalities, then so be it....I am fine with that and I dont feel 'lost'. He said we could create our own nationality...we would be the International Couple of Mystery and Intrigue...

But for me... the answer is not so simple, if the confusion ended at my life, I would find it easy to live with this 'gray area'. But what worries me, is my parents had a clear idea of their national identity, they were both Pakistanis and there was never a question in their mind as to that point. And yet I have been left with questions on this topic, now when I have kids... and Kasim and me hope lead a similiar life abroad as our parents did, my kids will look to me for that identity...it is that moment that I worry about... when my kids come home and say ok mommy I have to draw the flag of the country I am from, which flag do I tell them to draw??

I know this is a small issue, and will seem dumb to many who read this...but there is an underlying question of identity that is attached to our nationality...I dont have the answers here....so any help will be appreciated....

My husband has sealed the fate of our childrens nationality by saying " They will be International Men/Women of Mystery and Intrigue" who follow in the esteemed footsteps of thier father, the original International Man of Mystery and Intrigue...hahahah I think its cute and I know I should not worry as such... but still I do dread that day when they come home asking me which flag to draw....

Searching for my identity,
S.

fated...

2005-02-22T01:03:00.000-07:00

do you believe in fate?? I always find myself wondering about that... I believe that every moment we have lived has brought us to this moment in our lives... but is that fate or is that a series of decisions... I am not questioning the existence of fate....I am saying are our paths themselves fated or is it our fate to make decisions that will guide or paths...perhaps I believe in a self-determined fate... where I have chosen this path...

Was I fated to marry Kasim? or did I choose to marry Kasim?? I think there is alot of romance in believing in fate and all that...saying that it was destiny and you were meant to be with this person...he is your fate... but I find more comfort in having made this choice....I feel that by having made the choice to be with Kasim I have commited myself mind, body and soul to this relationship..not that by believing in fate is your commitment any less....but I just find more comfort in believing this is my choice....

but then by the same token, I believe my fate is self determined so by Kasim being my choice, he is also my fate. Whatever the reasoning, whatever the logic, I am just happy that I am married to him...Kasim never reads my blog, he remembers about every 5th thing that I tell him, he requires my constant attention, has the worst memory I have ever seen, is the fussiest eater I have ever met.....he constantly makes me wonder why I made the choice to make him my fate.....but then every once in a while he says that one thing that just makes it perfect...

The other night I was telling Kasim about my The Amazing Race blog since he doesnt read it and I feel a compulsive need for him to know exactly what my blogs are about....there we were talking in bed on Sat morning and I asked him, after I was done explaining my reasoning for every person in my life......Kasim who would you take as your partner?? He kind of just got this worried expression on his face and said, Sobs, I dont want to go with anyone else but you....so if you dont want to be my partner then I just wont go....because no matter how much we fight or hate each other it would not be fun with anyone else...and then he said ... you are my better half...it sounds cheesy I know, but I have to tell you in that moment, I knew exactly why I made the choice I did!!!

So, Nailu, yes I believe that somehow, somewhere it will happen, because your every decision is taking you there and it is definately FATED in the stars!!!!!! Mark my words!!

S.

I cant think of anythign to write!!

2005-02-22T00:35:00.000-07:00

Do you guys remember that assignment you would always get in the 5th grade in English class. The teacher would give everyone a blank piece of paper and tell you to write about whatever comes to your mind....or maybe this was in the 8th grade..who cares?? The point is she would say write and if you cant think of anything just write I cant think of anything until you think of something. Well tonight as I sat down to blog, I felt like writing " I cant think of anything to write" over and over again. Of course I sat down to that and realized wouldnt it just be easier to copy and paste that over and over again... computers have just messed with our lives...

I wonder about what computers will do to Saans expeirence.. will she even use pencils and markers... will she know the feel of crsip paper...or how the scratch of a fountain pen vrs the flow of the ball point....or will she just know which cartridge to use and the thickness of her printer paper.. I know I sound a little over concerned but not really when you think about how much our lives have changed in the last 10 years with the internet... I mean so many of us probably would not still be in touch or even married to the person we are without the internet, I would not be talking to nailu right now about SMELL without the internet....and none of you would be reading this blog without computers or the internet.

But I dont know, for all the great things this instrument has brought into my life.. I just hope Saans knows the simple and irreplaceable pleasure of cracking the spin of a new book and smelling that new book smell. I hope she is able to make the decision between which color she wants to color with...I hope she has the choice between ballpoint and felt tip rather then New Times Roman and Arial. I think it woudl be nice to watch Saans work through those Phonics books that you see....so I will have small memories of thier tiny fingers laboring away at those pages...I hope she recieves letters in the mail, hand written and sent with love....not emails fired off at a moment notice...

But sadly I really dont think any of that will happen.. I think Saans will grow up in a time with blogging will have been a forgotten art.

S.

The Amazing Race and My Partner

2005-02-18T22:43:00.000-07:00

A new edition of the popular series The Amazing Race (TAR) will be starting on March 1. I definately recommend that you all watch this show.. It is basically a show about people who work in pairs, travelling around the world doing physically challenges and trying to finish the race first. The race takes them over 40000 miles without knowing where they are heading next.. It is a really interesting show and the true test of anyones relationship. The other night I was talking to Rabs on the phone about this show and who we would take as our partner. I immediately rejected Kasim as an option.....but it got me thinking who would be my ideal partner.... So I began to formulate a list, rejecting and accepting candidates in my mind....until I came to the winner.... I have chosen my partner...but before I make the announcement I will have to discuss why everyone else was eliminated.....

Kasim- because I would like to still be married to him at the end of the day. He does not handle stress at all well and he would just get really mad and upset and just say "fine I will do it by myself, I dont need your help" and also his need for 1 hr showers to wakeup are not a big help..

Sadaf- well that is self-explanatory.. she has a permenant attachment in the form of Saans Zuberi ( though whose NO NO and wagging finger would make even the most fiercest competitors backdown) Sadaf barely manages to function in her daily existence....it is a miracle she makes it through the day with Saania....the # of breaks needed to keep Saania functioning is just catastorphic for the Race.

Naila - considered and rejected because of her laissez-faire attitude... Though I am sure it would be enjoyable...but we would be the first team kicked out...because Nailu would find something remotely stupid extremely funny and just laugh and laugh until she starts to cry and then needs to pee.. Naila has a public wwashroom problem..that means a 1 min pit stop could easily become a one hr trip......so no Nailu on TAR!!

Gulbie - I love Gulbs...I really do...but she had to go...Gulbie was in the running because of her awesome "nothing is impossible" attitude...she can make any plan work...she just has that perfect attitude..but Gulbie would spend the majority of the Race wanting to explore the new region we were in...soaking up the atmosphere...while other teams whizzed by us. She would want to mingle with the local people, learning their language, experiencing their life...no sorry no time to stop on TAR!!

Rabia - Rejected for the eye roll....and her inability to use a cell phone...Rabs though she would be great at all the physical challenges, she is a fussy eater.. I mean you can not become a Halali and not eat seafood, veggies and not LIKE PIZZA. I would have to spend the majority of my time on TAR looking for french fries for RAbia. Sorry she was kicked to the curb as well..

Rachna- Now she would have been fun to have gone the course with...but then I remembered that Rachna told me she can not function without her morning tea and then I remembered Ashish once telling me that if Rachna doesnt get her meals ontime it can be disastrous...so sadly I had to move foward in my quest for a TAR partner..

Saira - Considered but I realized quickly that the amount of luggage she would require to be able to have the perfect outfit for each event on TAR would weight us down...so the search continued!!!

Henna- Now, Henna was in the running right until the end....She was my runner up Partner.. Henna has an excellent list making and organizational skills. That girl would have us on the earliest flight and have the taxi booked at the next airport. She would have all the info before I could even think to get the info...but I had to pass on making Henna my partner because I remembered a PSF picnic to Center Island where all of us showed up in jeans and sneakers but Henna was wearing high heeled sandals.. Thus, and only thus was I sadly to pass on Henna..

Now on to my winner....

Huma- yes indeed!! Huma is the perfect partner.. Though her organizational skills are not of the brilliant nature that Hennas are...she does have excellent fact finding and an enthusiasm for physical challenges. She is completely not interested in her surroundings AT ALL and she is FOCUSED on the task at hand. Her "speed people" will keep us moving quickly and efficently, she is very easily the perfect TAR partner...

So there you have it....now all Holmz and I need to do is become US Citizens, sign up for the race and get selected....

I am sure everyone has an opinion on why I should be rejected as a TAR partner.....hahahaha...and I would love to hear them all!!!!

S.

Day from hell..

2005-02-16T21:56:00.000-07:00

Had a job interview today... got dressed and headed out with hubby after 3 hrs of sleep...Dropped him off and went in search of the Branch where my interview was...luckily I was an hr early....as I located the bank, I conveniently slammed my car into the rear end of another car.. I watched in horror as the front of my car crumpled in towards me... I just could not believe I HAD DONE THAT!!!!!!!!!!!! That moment was just a split second but for some reason I can play the scene in my mind and each time the actions are even slower and more excruciating. Luckily, I am fine...but the car is another story!!! But it can be fixed or so I have been told!

My first thought...in typical Sobia fashion...was to look up at the roof of my car where God was obviously located and ask... WHY ME?? WHY GOD WHY AT THIS EXACT MOMENT DID THIS HAPPEN?? Realizing I was not going to recieve answers... I moved to plan B....an even more brilliant option. I called my husband crying.....I had always told everyone that if something happened to the car that would be my solution, to call my husband CRYING!! And I forfilled my prophecy, of course in my mind the scenario had always played out with Kasim picking up the phone, hearing my paniced voice, asserting that I am ok and telling me to sit tight and he would be right there.. NOT IN REALITY!! My hubby was on training and no where near his desk and I had no way of contacting him... so after leaving him a satisfying self pitying message, I was forced to move to Plan C.... a plan I have never developed...

Plan C was to get out of the car and deal with the situation.. the other driver was ok and his car had very minor damage.. We exchanged information..I now officially know that exchanging info means, license, registration and insurance... I called my insurance company, I calmlyexplained to them that I had an interview at 10 am and that I could not deal with the mess that was my car at the moment. The lady was great said...park the car in the lot and get urself togetehr, go give ur interview and call me back.. So I pulled myself together, went into RBC, had a kick ass interview, never mentioning the fact that I had just almost totaled my car and my hubby still had no clue as to what he had to look foward to!! Walked out, flipped open my cell phone and did something I had never done before.

I dealt with life head on using common sense and calmness.

I called the insurance company, had them tow the car to a Auto Body shop, went and got my arranged rental, went to the police, filed my report, went to the Auto Body shop, and dealt with everything that needed to be done. All the while remaining cool, getting directions for the millions of locations I had never been to in a brand new city and dealingw ith each step decisively and efficently. So, that when I picked my hubby up at 5 pm all that was left to do was to walk into his arms and cry my heart out. There is something so comforting in hearing your husband its ok and hugging you tight.

Besides the emotional breakdown at the end, I was so proud of myself today... I had been able to handle the situation without falling apart or knowing exactly what to do. I dont know how I did but I just did it. It made me realize that our fears are simply that, unrealized experiences.. I had never had a car accident before (Thank God - I guess God on my cars roof is watching out for me!!) so I was always scared that if I was caught in the situation what would I do....now I know...I will go through Plan A, Plan B and then follow on with Plan C. So perhaps all my fears are simply that, things that I need to experience.... so are they really even fears?? It brings to mind the famous words, " We have only to fear, fear itself"

Who knows perhaps I will now try to hold a snake?? or then again maybe I wont.... but all I know is as I march off to bed tonight with my slightly sore back and neck, I am very proud of me...

Oh BTW, I got the job at RBC!!!

S

Awake in Bed!!

2005-02-16T00:55:00.000-07:00

I know it has been ages since I blogged....over a month actually....there were mitigating circumstances at first but then I was just plain lazy and had so many blogs to write that I did not know where to begin....

But alas as usual, my timing is PERFECT( please note my pathetic attempt at sarcasm). It is 1 am, I have to be up in 5 hrs to drop my hubby off at work, I have an interview in the morning and a miserable cold... and guess what?? I can not sleep..so here I am to expunge my thoughts..

As I lay in bed tonight trying to sleep despite my stuffy nose... I decided to employ my favourite technique to fall asleep... I would think of romantic scenes and movies that I had watched and I would re create the moment in my mind with me as the Star.... This used to be the perfect way for me to fall asleep, I would simply close my eyes, allow my mind to drift into the infinetly perfect 'romantic' moment. Of course, now that I am married that technique doesnt quite seem to work.. I get this funny feeling as if I am cheating on Kasim, even though he is my hero, other times I am struck by the fakeness of the scene in my mind... Whatever the reason, it just doesnt work for me!!

Which bring me to the question?? Is romance dead for me?? Did I pass romance and enter the unknown....was there a road sign I missed?? Just feels like the romance of it all....those 'teeny' or girlie movies just dont hold the same charm for me anymore... I find that my real life has intruded on my girlhood images of romance...now when I think of that Rhett and Scarlett scene where he kisses her senseless... instead of thinking wow what a perfect moment and I hope my husband sweeps me off my feet in the same way, I find myself thinking well who does their laundry, how do they resolve their fights, who says sorry first?? who is in charge of the cooking?? Yeah, that throws a damper on the flames of romance...

Does this mean anything or is it simply another mileston in my life.... Girlie/ Teenie movies can now join the legions of other memories from my childhood... like the Apply books that I swore to myself even when I was 30 I would still be reading, but as I realized the simplicity of those books I packed them away.... So perhaps it is time I stopped playing out romantic scenes in my mind..... and just be happy for what I do have... My Kasim...

S..

Sunshine after the rain..

2005-01-04T01:56:00.000-07:00

After a long time today, a friend needed me and I was not there.. Seems to be a trend now in my life......that I have amazing friends who need me at crucial life moments and I am somehow not there... Today, she just said...I wish you were closer......I need to clear my head... I just thought back to the millions and I mean millions of times that I cleared my head at her place...that I woke her at 5am to clear my head.....nagged her with my constant analyzing of two second glances and their double entendres....the millions that she was closer...

I dont know what to say...nothing can be said but this... This too shall pass.. I have lived by these words for the last few years in my life...and now they have become a constant calming mantra for me... This too shall pass...My place here is so small and my time even smaller...so this too shall pass...

So my dear friend, we shall be sitting in that apartment by the beach one day, one crisp winter afternoon with the windows open.....sitting on the floor of course no couches....sipping on "rooh afza" while the poet reads his poetry and the guitarist plays music live for us FINALLY... that day will come as well....this I promise you...so keep your chin up and keep smiling..

This too shall pass..
S.

New Years without Kasim

2004-12-31T23:54:00.000-07:00

I have now spent 3 new years "with" Kasim but actually not with him.. First was in Lahore, where I was at the hotel and he was at home sleeping. Next we were in Dallas, he was at work and I was out with his friends, and now I am in Toronto and he is in Lahore.. Tragic isnt it?? Perhaps this will be the quirky couple thing Kasim and I have, we dont spend new years together... hahahaah thats rather insane but ok..I could live with that...

New Years is quite overated if you ask me, quite another Hallmark invention...why the celebrating, why the happiness?? I guess this year it was definately more apparent given the circumstances of the Tsunami...it was just hard to get into the revelry mood.... knowing that so many lives had been lost...and so many continued to suffer... But none the less, the countdowns continued, the fireworks burst, people hugged and kissed...talked about new years resolutions....and here it is the NEW YEAR!!

I have decided this year to create a list of ACTUAL resolutions..that have nothing to do with improving my life...but rather just things that Iw ould like to see myself do...simple simple stuff....so I wont feel like such an awful human next dec when I realize nothing was accomplished...so here goes...my simple and NON SENSICAL new yrs resolutions.

1) Bungee Jumping with Hubby - already seeing failure on this one...but I shall try..
2) Watching the entire Sex and the City collection...START TO FINISH
3) Finding a Desi Hair Salon in Calgary
4) Change nick on MSN to something more interesting
5) Doing groceries ONCE a week rather then every two days ebcause i never make a list
6) Buy 1 just 1 normal, sensible purse..rather then a 100 different funky ones
7) Learn to roller skate again...not blading or snowboarding..just plain roller skates.
8) Use my new ice cream maker...YUMMMMMMMMMM
9) Put up all my decorations
10) Stop being so judgemental of TV advertising

The list will continue...but I encourage all to make a list of simple things..that you can actually do...so you have crossed off these things and feel good about urself next dec 31st....

S.

When being wrong felt right...

2004-12-29T01:36:00.000-07:00

No one will understand what I am about to write except for Nailu, my best friend... but I have to write this and I just want this moment captured somewhere other then my mind... I always heard people saying "Honey if this is being wrong, I dont want to be right" I would simply smile and wonder at what that must feel like...to know that you are wrong, your every step is taking u further into misery but yet that misery is perfection... Of course, curiousity kills the cat!! Now I understand, now I can appreciate that comment so perfectly.....I am wrong but damned if I dont care at all...

Every moment so precious, a lifetime of sinking heart moments captured in one instance... a simple repetition alters the memory of a lifetime, a hearts cringe at old letters, the aniticipation of more.....the knowledge that you have lived, actually lived....that your life has been touched by another.... the simplicity in bedside pictures and emails... the arrogance of egos, the bowing to a force greater then you or your resolve...the certianity of your path, the clarity of the meaning of Destiny....and last, the sighs,the tears, the private smiles, the uttering of names against cold windows..

Nailu, only you know what that paragraph means...but it means everyting and it represents nothing....Remember my ruksathi song, there is a line in there about picking up teh sand in ur hand but not being able to capture even one grain....thats how this feels..and you know it so well..... It had to be written, it is written now perhaps it can be washed away with the tide...

Memories tonight and forever,
S.

Growing Up Gotti!!

2004-12-25T23:20:00.000-07:00

I am seriously worried about myself. I have discovered in recent years...actually since my marriage that I have an addiction to REALITY TV.. I watch all sorts of reality showes, actually I will watch any REALITY SHOW!! How pathetic is that?? What is this perverse obsession with others lives....why do I stay tuned for the next episode.....and the worst is WHEN i catch myself judging those on TV???

You know sometimes you watch something and you are like who watches this stuff such as WWF and all that stuff...well when it comes to reality TV I am your gal.... let me make a quick list of shows that I have been watching while in TO, Newly Weds, Ashlee Simpson, Americas Next Top Model, Amazing Race, Apprentice......why do I waste my time with this junk... I DONT KNOW...I am telling you it is a sickness..

What is even more worrisome...is that I think I like watching Reality TV in my own life, I love watching the drama of my friends lives unfold and I am just naturally curious about every aspect of every event!! Where this comes from I have no clue, but I am always in the middle of something when I realize that I ahve been watching the world with the eyes of a REALITY TV show....covert glances, comments, actions, and other such trivial matters...take center stage in my mind....SICK SICK SICK!!!! this needs to stop...

you know when you go to those AA meetings and they ask you what was your rock bottom.. Mine was watching Growing Up Gotti...realizing that I was simply watching 3 punks beat each other up but more worrying was the fact that I WAS HOOKEd to a new reality tv show....arghhhhhhhhhhhhh

the madness must end...tell me I am not alone in this obsession...

S

The Big Gesture...

2004-12-24T02:32:00.001-07:00

Watched "Chasing Liberty" last night...have been thinking about the 'big gesture' since then... The guy says his mom wanted his father to make the Big Gesture...give up everything for her....everyones Big Gesture is different....

Got me thinking...Had I wanted a Big Gesture...had I waited for one?? Perhaps I did, actually if I am honest I did wait for one and I didnt recieve it...not at that time anyways. I think it was then that I knew my life would not follow that path....sometimes I do wonder about where I would be at this moment, with whom I would be....had the big gesture been made....but to be honest...those days are few and far between because once I realized that the big gesture was not coming.....I walked away with no regrets..

Talking to someone today, I told her...it is so worth waiting for the Big Gesture...for the moment that your breathe will be taken away...because it is only in that moment that all the fear of falling in love ends.....that is when you actually experiecne the euphoria of 'love'...anything less then the big gesture would simply be settling.... So, everyone should wait for the Big Gesture....and not settle for anything less...

My husband made the Big Gesture...and everyday I am thankful for it.....it might suprise many of you to know that it wasnt his proposal, his love for me, his constant intl travel for two days just to meet me...none of that...it was one of the most simplest and purest moments ever....that was the BIG GESTURE for me....I dont even think my husband will remember it....

By the same token, I think if you love someone, you should make the Big Gesture....and let your love be out there and in the open....either to be recieved or rejected....because believe me after the Big gesture it is easier to walk into open arms or walk away from the person.....

The Big Gesture.......I think everyone should have that one moment...

S.

the Lesson of flexibility..

2004-12-14T23:13:00.000-07:00

I have always ahd a probelm, I like my routines and plans...I like to have an order and a reason to my madness and chaos that I call my life...others may not see it but I run my life like clock work....doing all activities on the hr, 15,30, or 45...never any other time slot..... but recently I was humbled from this madness...

My mom extended her trip in Toronto simply to spend some time with me.. She ahd expected quite a different reaction and recieved quite an obnxious one instead. I think she was shocked before she even realized how hurt she was. When I found out mom had changed my "plan" I couldnt believe it at all, and I just reacted in anger, not at my moms actual presence but jsut at the fact that my plans had been altered without consulting me. I quickly realized the error of my way and called home immediately, once of course I had adjusted to the the change of plans, to placate my mom and tell her that I really did want her to stay and would enjoy the time we spent together...but it was too late....the event had marred my moms happiness and I would be forever reminded of the events and actions of that day...

**sigh** as is the sad reality always, Mother knows best!! Those 10 days extra that I was able to spend with my mom were honestly some of the best days for me....I had a great time with her and was actually probably one of my more enjoyable trips to TO. Of course, every time I mentioned my appreciation of my mom having stayed a few extra days I was quickly reminded of my earlier actions. So perhaps I did not let my mom properly know hw much it meant that she changed her plans to accomodate my plans...

So mom, just wanted you to know that it really was a fun trip with you...I was really sad to see you go......but may all our meetings be as fun!! I look foward to seeing you again soon. I love you and I have now learned the lesson of flexibilty.....fikar not!!!

S.

Old is Gold!!

2004-12-13T21:55:00.000-07:00

Last night after dropping my mom off at the airport, I came home and just collapsed on the couch. I was so tired for no real reason...and promptly fell asleep. Of course, leave it to Rabs to let the whole world know that I was sleeping early...and that 'voh bechari' was doing all the work. When I say everyone!!!!!!! I mean EVERYONE!! ahahhaha all day people today have been like so I hear you sleep at 8pm....uff I shall have to deal with this insubordination immediately...as a "close friend" **Wink** said, "jealousy ke bhi hud hoti hai". Only joking....but seriously she did tell the whole world....

I have been gone from blogging so long that I dont know where to pick up, so many blogs just waiting to be written, I have had alot of comments about my blogs and even some great feedback...so it was with this encouragement that I found my way back to the keyboard...so what to blog about first??

I guess I shall start with the title... Old is gold...a couple of weeks ago, I met up with some old friends...to celebrate Gulbs UFEE PASS!! I had not seen these people in years...well Saira I had not seen in about over 2 years..and I think with Akshay it had been like 1 yr....but there was not the slightest hesitation that one would expect for friends meeting after so long.....it was simply, DAhlinggggggggggg how are you?? **hugg** and it was back to normal...it was as if we were sitting in New College lounge again, as if we were meeting after a day rather then a year.. Our conversations and roles were all the same. We had all changed, taken different paths then those care free New College days....but we were all the same.... Each of us relating to one another in the same exact way... At first I thought it was only me who noticed it but Saira yelling over the music at Montana's noted the same thing. She said...sobs doesnt matter how many new friends you make...nothing is as great as old friends...there is just this comfort there...that you can pick up right where you left off. It was an awesome feeling, and one I hope all can enjoy...

A few years ago, actually longer.. I was watching TV in Saudi and this ad came on ZeeTV for some Scothc or Whiskey.... it was a group of old friends reminescing over their youth and the years they spent together....just bringing up all the good times they had had together.. The ad was set in a very sophisticated atmosphere...but the laughter followed freely and you could sense the bond that held those friens together. Of course they were actors and it was just a 30 second ad, but it stuck with me.... I remember thinking, will I have that relationship ever, will I have those funny memories that will make us laugh no matter where we are and who we become... Through the years, I would periodically think abotu that ad and the friendships I was forming....

But it was not until the night of Gulbies celebration, sitting at Akki's drinking Masalay wali Chai did I realize that without realizing it, I had been given those friendships and those memories. I had everything I had wanted while watching that Ad.. So as SAira said that night, Old is Gold, nothing beats the comfort of old friends and good memories...

Savouring the Moment

2004-11-01T20:43:00.000-07:00

Kasim has gone to Atlanta for the night on business.. and I am savouring my night alone... I changed into my PJs at 7pm, ordered Pizza with all my favourite toppings, am watching all my fav TV shows... funny how such small things are giving me so much pleasure.. Not that I would want this to be a regular occurence but it is nice once in a while...just to have a night to myself to do as I please....

The wierd thing is that I really dont feel restricted when Kasim is around that now I am feeling so 'free'. I think it is rather a state of mind, that I am feeling this sense of doing as I please.....it is a throw back to my single days..Being married means always having to compromise or finding a happy median...a channel which you both want to watch, or pizza toppings you are both happy with....having to share the couch...THE TV REMOTE!!!! To be honest, there are those moments when you just want to be selfish and say NO COMPROMISE I want things as I want them.. It is childish...but that is that...Marriage does not mean you grow up immediately....things happen slowly...I think they should add a little question during the Nikkah ceremony....Sobia, are you ready to give up decision making JUST For YOURSELF??? ahhhhhhhhhhhh, I dont know...ahahhahahaha no I do know... I like being married to Kasi and Im just luckyt hat normally the compromises and the medians dont feel so hard for me........

But for tonight, I shall savour my time...I am sure I shall miss Kasim as I go to sleep and having his comforting presence as I fall asleep......but until then I am off to light my candles and take a longgggggggggggggg bath with bubbles and scents....

S

Nostalgic Moments..

2004-10-29T20:05:00.000-07:00

There is a quote in the book I am reading currently, The Book of Saladin by Tariq Ali, that I just really loved, "The caves of our memory are extaordinary. Things that are long forgotten remain hidden in dark corners, suddenly to emerge into the light. "

How true, everyone has those moments, when all of a sudden you so clearly can relive a moment from your childhood that it is almost as if time itself had stopped. Often I talk to Kasim and he regals me with stories from his childhood, and while talking I can see how easily he slips back into that moment of "being Blanche, locked in the minivan with Alikhan, windows rolled up in the soaring heat of Lahore, inventing games to will away the time." After we finish laughing, Kasim always says I cant believe I remembered that after so long....its those moments that are so special...when you find a memory that you had forgotten you had..

The other day as I was driving, it began to rain lightly, and I caught myself singing, "Rain drops falling my head". I was immediately transported to my childhood when my father woudl sing the same song for us, while he was driving in the rain. Of course, his version was always more drawn out and joking...in a way my only my father could do.... It was just such a weird moment, I was completely in that moment, I could so vividly capture the times when my father would sing about the rain... He had another song that he would always sing... ITs raining, its pouring, the old man is snoring.....the littlest things can jog your memory into a forgotten moment.....

Here is one that I had completely forgotten about... I was waiting at the pharmacy for my prescription to be filled, so I wandered over to the Magazine rack. While I was browsing, I came across a magazine Unique Homes, and it came tumbling back to me. As a child, I loved that magazine, I begged my mom once at Jarir Bookstore to get it for me, which she did and I devoured that magazine cover to cover...I still remember the price...SR55...I just loved it, then I got sick a couple of monthes later and I remembered how my father came home from work that night, he had brought a box of dunkin donuts and the new Unique Homes for me...he had remembered...and made the special trip out to the store to get it for me... I remember when he handed it to me along with the Arab News... I was just so happy, I felt so special!!( as I have always suffered from middle child syndrome, you can imagine how important it was for me to feel special!!)

As I stood in that pharmacy, my eyes filled with tears, such a generous moment had slipped from my conscience memory, I was saddenned by that, but was so thankful for the 'caves of my memory' that had preserved that moment for me...... Thanks Dad, I might not have said it that night....but just wanted you to know that I really loved that magazine!!!!

TooThBrush Stories..

2004-10-26T20:04:00.000-07:00

Again, I was talking to Huma the other day. I have noticed a trend here where Holmz and me have alottttttttttt of free time which we spend together on the phone... Our conversations are not stimulating at all...usually it is simply a desire for gossip, which neither of us ever has. On occasion, our conversation veers towards our esteemed husbands.....

Its suprising how many things our husbands have in common or rather how many stories about our husbands we have in common. So in our most recent conversation we were discussing our adventures at Walmart with the men, which are alwaysssssss eventful. Dont know why but men believe they can do everything faster and better then women, including grocery shopping!! Kasim will follow me through the aisles, questionning the need for all items in the cart, followed by We dont have room for all these groceries..... It used to drive me a little insane but now I just go by myself.... Its the only way to keep my sanity and not to discuss the merits of the groceries with Kasim in the middle of Walmart...

So, Huma was telling me about her tooth brush purchases, and how she had bought herself a nice one and a cheap one for Ayaz simply because thats what he had bought for himself before.. Of course upon reaching home her hubby of course wanted the better toothbrush because she had it...... so now, Holmz shall have to trek to Walmart once again to purchase a nice toothbrush for her hubby.. before she even finished the story I was laughing my head off because I had been through the exact Same Toothbrush melodrama with Kasim..... of course we went through it with Toothbrushes, shampoos, soaps, cremes.....everythingggggggg.....ahahhahahah but now I would liek to report that we have found a happy medium where we no longer question Sobia on the merits of our bathroom products!!!

What struck me as so funny was that miles away Holmz had stood int eh same aisle, faced the same dilemma, and same results I had come across here in texas... I wonder how many other girls have a toothbrush story to tell... but I guess there are a few of the 'perfucccccct' ones who are not willing to share their stories... oh well....

As a by note, I would like to mention that I love my hubby tons, and that he is a great husband to me.....the toothbrush incident in no way reflects badly on him....hahahahahahah HAppy Dahling???

S.

Love, Wife and Husband..

2004-10-21T20:08:00.000-07:00

So, I received my first Joint Huma and Ayaz email.... it was a quick Ramadan Mubarak..written from Holmz account... It was sweet....but it got me thinking...

Why after marriage all of a sudden do we start signing everything Sobia and Kasim or Kasim and Sobia...why?? It just seems like now I never just wish someone anything simply from me...its always oh Eid Mubarak.. Kasim and I wish you a blah blah blah.... Why dont I simply write SOBS!!! Since Im the one making all the effort...who even thought of the whole writing everyone idea in the first place....it would never even occur to Kasim to do that....and if it did come to him...he would just be too lazy... So, Do I feel guilty not including his name, as if this is one of my many wifely duties... have you ever noticed it is always the wives who are writing these joint emails... I dont know why that is...no wait I do know.....OUR MEN ARE TOO DAMN LAZY AND JUST DONT CARE!!! But another thing is... I think its a matter of pride for some of us

Now girls dont get out your claws just yet.....hear me out!! Desi girls have been conditioned to believe MARRIAGE is the ultimate goal, the end all of the be all...our teenage years are spent priming and learning the trade...so that as we ease into our 20's we can ply our trade in the hopes of catching a 'good one'. So its not suprising that some of us girls, those whose conditioning was intense, get a little smug when they get married....have a holier than thou attitude and lord it over their single friends...**Huma, not you, it just happened to be ur email that lead to this blog.....NO WAY ARE U LIKE THAT!!!** But you know who I am talking about, everyone has those married friends whose lives are just purfeeeeccccccccccttttt....and everyone within earshot has to hear about... So, when I get these peoples joint emails...I can almost see the smug smile, feel the sense of accomplishment she feels in writing the joint email... it just makes me laugh....

So, now I face the dilemma, do I continue the joint email system...or do I declare myself an individual and wish my friends a Eid mubarak, Happy New Year...just from me... BUt will signing my name be enough of a declaration of individuality.....perhaps not....no wait....its obvious it would not be....but I can try...

Perhaps, the importance of joint emails will melt away....as time passes...and the 'noveau' feeling of marriage becomes simply our comfort zones... when the memory of Sobia Ahmed has faded to my children asking me how my name could have ever been anything other then Sobia Khan...and trying to remind them that there was not always a Kasim in my life....that there was a time when the emails, cards and letters were signed simply Sobia

For a friend..

2004-10-07T23:50:00.000-07:00

Being strong is not easy.... no one said it would be but no one told you how hard it would be either... The only thing I can say, that helped comfort me while I was 'being strong' is to know that you are not alone in this emotion. Sure, in that moment you feel so alone and, in true self pitying mode, you do not believe that anyone could have gone through these kinds of things...or even if they had it was not as bad as it is for you. Believe me when I tell you, where you are many women have been before, where you are going many women have been before. I know its a strange thought, but I found comfort in knowing that my emotions and pain were being validated by generations of womens tears and silence.

There really is no way to explain what you are going through....and really no one to talk to about it... you asked me why I didnt call when I was 'being strong' and hating it...it was because I didnt want to worry you or even acknowledge the emotions. Now, you can understand what I am saying......your second phone call I didnt even need words to tell me, I just knew.... That this was a moment, of weakness, missing, and just general dissatisfaction...but if you talked about it the moment would just be extended..... Sometimes, one moment should be allowed to be just that, a moment. Does that even make sense?? I guess what I am trying to say is.....allow yourself that moment, to feel everything you want to feel and just express everything....and then when that moment passes allow everything to pass with it.

It is the best way and to be honest, it is the only way.... keep your chin up and keep smiling....

S.

Cheez-its!!

2004-10-06T20:15:00.000-07:00

Grocery shopping is quite an easy affair for Kasim and myself. We both do not eat junk food, snacks or variety juices. So my trip to the grocery store consists simply of going through the fresh produce, bread aisle (one white loaf- now that I dont eat bread), the dairy section, and then the aisles of basics. I never venture down the snack aisles, cereal aisle ( Special K for me and Raisan Bran for Kasim), the baking aisles none of the fun 'aisles' according to my sisters. So, my only memories of snacks are from my childhood and grocery shopping for the UNSATISFIABLE Rabia. Of course, having had a weight problem all my life, I have never 'openly' enjoyed snacks...but like all kids I had my favourites. CHeez-its, Oreo Cookies( I still remember the days when I would open my lunch box at school and finding two oreo cookies wrapped in Kleenex was just the highlight of my day!!!), Honey Nut Cheerios, Frosties, Chips ahoy cookies...Reese Pieces....the simple stuff. nothign too fancy, just honest to goodness really bad food for you...

So, at the end of my cake decorating class, we decided to bring some snacks to help counter the effects of working with pure sugar, shortenning. Believe me, even smelling the stuff can give you a head ache....forget eating it!!! I decided to bring Cheez-its, and turned my cart down the foriegn aisle of Snacks... I thought this would be a simple, find and grab situation....BUT WAS I WRONG OR WHAT!!! Did you know that there are over 10 different types of Cheez-its now, I mean, I couldnt even find a box of plan simple Cheez-its, No, I had to choose from Parmesan & Garlic, White Cheddar, Sharp Chedder, Spicy, Mozarella... I was standing there gaping...all I wanted was a box of Cheez-its... It took me ten minutes to decide, what a colossal waste of my time but I just couldnt believe it... I mean why would you mess with something that works. How can you improve on what was PERFECT!!!!!!! HOw could someone mess with that,

Now that my interest had been piqued...I trudged through the grocery place looking for other such tampered items.. Did you know that there are 4 types of Cheerios....ANOTHER GRAND MISTAKE, 5 types of oreos, ok now that really hurt my feelings....who wants their kids to have fake oreos....so wrong..........I just couldnt believe what was happening to groceries....my favourites were being phased out....replaced.........HOW CAN THIS BE???????????

I stand firm that the originals were the best....I long for those days when buying oreos meant going down the aisle and buying a box...no thought nothing....the world is getting too complicated and now groceries have joined the complication equation...

longing for simplier times..
S.

Enough -For Saans

2004-10-01T14:45:00.000-07:00

It has been a while since I read through a fowarded email....besides the jokes...but I am really glad that I read this one recently. It really was refreshing.... the email talked about wishing each other Enough.... Just simply saying 'I wish you enough'. What does that mean?? Then as I pondered ( how Oxfordish of me..pondering) on the thought, I found the statement to have so much power in its simple words. It so perfectly captured all that we want for our loved ones.....

Enough, just that, no more and no less. Simply wishing that you may have everything in your life...the good and the bad....but only enough for you to appreciate what you have and what you possess and what you are 'saved' further from experiencing. Rather then reaching the extreme height of happiness, and the tumbling darkness of sadness, finding the perfect balance of both...

Many of you probably know that today is my neice, Saania (Saans) Zuberi's first birthday. So today, here is my wish for her. Saania, you are too young to read these words, but I pray that these words shape your life. BEfore perhaps I would have written I wish you every happines and blessing in the world, but today I wish you enough.

I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright.
I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more.
I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive.
I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much bigger.
I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.
I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.
I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye.

S.

PinkTV

2004-09-28T20:26:00.000-07:00

I just read on the news that France is getting a Gay Channel, PinkTV. So, I guess that is within their cultural norms. God forbid someone follow their religion and by CHOICE wear the hijab... No no cant have that...but lets just have transgender Sportscasters in miniskirts every night. Yeah how is that for CULTURE!!! Sometimes it just amazes me what this world is coming to. Its like the world is so scared of being Anti anything now but Anti- Muslim. That seems to be the only accepted hatred left. Why is that? Is it becuase Muslims allow themselves to be trampled upon in this way. That we all are so caught up in the pursuit of being 'cool' and 'normal' that we dont even stop to think about what we are pursuing. Its just disgusting....and I dont do anything about it...so I shouldnt even be complaining... But just something about France having Gay TV but you cant wear a Hijab there....yeah real great job France....way to go for Equal Rights....

Give me a break..

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

The Good Earth...

2004-09-28T10:13:00.000-07:00

I just finished this amazing book. I know I mentioned starting it the other night, but I just raced through the book. It has been a long time since a book has so totally captured my attention. I am usually in the middle of three books at the same time...

Please please dont let the Oprah Book Club Stigma affect your reading of this book...its just a breathtaking work. I know this all sounds so cliche, but I seriously wept outloud fo the characters in this book. Was so angry with the Main character at one point, that I couldnt fall asleep I was so angry... The book actually reminds me in certian ways about life in parts of Pakistan still today, quite sad given the fact that this book was set in the late 1800's in China, and I am talking about current day Pakistan.....

Give it a read, a book you will remember, and one I now count amongst my favorits...

S.

Saturday Morning Sunlight...

2004-09-25T09:50:00.000-07:00

I am at my most lazy on Sat mornings...dont know why I just am!! I just have no desire to do anythingggggggggggg......so thats exactly what I have done today.... Well I spent two hrs in bed reading my book, followed by a quick trek across my apt ( about 15 steps) to my couch...where I lay down again with my comforter and managed to watch 2 hrs of cooking shows... Currently I am craving, chicken parmigana, chocolate ganache, yan can cook chicken, mexican stuffed peppers.....and I have nothing cooked at home....had to make due with Cereal...

Thus has begun my Saturday morning, oh reading a new book...

The Good Earth by Pearl Buck. It was Wang Lung's marriage day. This book has broken into my queue of books because Kasim believes it is the best book ever and that I MUST read it immediately...so to appease and please I broke my queue...

LAst night we watched Jersey Girl, with Ben Affleck and Liv Tyler.. I thought it was a cute movie...quite an emotional movie that had me crying at a few scenes I think my mind was slightly out of tune from carb cravings.. Anyways, the movie is a sentimental look at a father and daughters relationship and a guy accepting his life.... He ends up leaving this high power jobin NY to become a City Construction worker in Jersy.... of course this is a SMALL part of the movie...but it was Kasim's main concern through out the movie... he kept worrying about what his job was going to be...why he was working as a street sweeper...MEN sometimess!! HONESTLY!!!!!!!!!! I kept telling him if he was bored he didnt have to watch, but he wanted to watch it..because he was concerned about his career future....anyways its a cute movie..but definately a RENTAL!!!

more on this later...I am off to lunch...

What is Better, no wait What is Easier...

2004-09-24T19:59:00.000-07:00

Is it better to be born without sight, or to have had sight and then lose it completely. I dont really think there is an answer to that question, and its probably not even an 'appropriate' question to ask. While watching America's Next Top Model, one of the contestants announced that she was legally blind and that by the age of 30 she would be completely blind. Of course, all the contestants reacted quite melo-dramatically...but she said no dont cry for me...I am fine with life, I was able to see my son smile, to see his face, to experience his expressions, I was gifted. And it got me thinking, I would have expected a different reaction, perhaps bitterness at what fate had brought her way... a sense of loss for what she would no longer be able to share in...but seemed happy for having had the gift of sight even for a little while... I am sure she had her moments of bitterness, loss and bewilderment.

Sometimes, I assume it is easier to not have something ever then to have to give that thing up. Really small example..I have been trying to give up carbs in my diet...just no bread, rice or pasta... no I am not on ATKINS....just trying to cut out the carbs. Many days I wake up dreaming about Pasta dishes..the other day I caught myself reading through a Pasta cookbook just to deal with the craving...thats how intense the feeling was. I thought to myself...god it would just be easier if I had never had CARBS!!! I wouldnt know how they taste and then I would never want them... ok I know thats a pathetic example but ITS MY LIFE so my EXAMPLE!!!!

Anyways, after watching the show, i just thought of it in another way...maybe I should just be thankful for allt he pasta and rice and bread that I have enjoyed...the really awesome Chicken Parmigana at Bruno's or my moms Killer Biryani... or hot Parathay...and gharm Puris. Ok yeah its hard to give that all up, but I should be thankful that I have the option in my life....that this is a decision I can make....not something that was given to me... Every experience is a precious one, even something as simple as eating a CARB!!! Who knows what could snatch that away from us...something as retarded as our WEIGHT GAIN!! ARGHHHHHHHHHH.... no no think positive!!!!

I guess I will never be little the choices that I am given in my life...because that choice can so easily be taken from me...and I should be thankful for all that is good in my life.....

But i still wonder what would be EASIER...not better.....but easier....in the case of CARBS...I believe its easier to never have had.....BECAUSE believe me you...dhaal with steamed cabbage is not all that it was cracked up to be!!!

Carb starved tonight..

Premier Week!!

2004-09-22T20:04:00.000-07:00

I have an addiction problem...its called TV!! I am addicted to TV...I watch way too much of it..and now with reality TV...its even worse... and unlike many I am not too cool to admit to watching alot of TV and various showes. I cant stand those people who will just hold themselves to a 'higher standard' saying they would never be caught dead watching this show or that. You know its a lie and all those people probably have watched rerun episodes of Blind Date and Cheaters at some point in their life.. Its just retarded to me, that some people actually believe its cool to say they dont watch TV. Hey if you honestly dont watch tv then thats fine...exhibit A. my friend Holmz says she doesnt watch TV and I believe her because she is willing to admit to watching Superman religiously...I believe her. But then there are those people, who when I am discussing whatever show has caught my attention for the week will find it neccesary to intervene in my conversation to simply state the fact that they dont watch that kinda TV.. I just look at them, I mean if its so important to you to ANNOUNCE you dont watch TV then you must be an in the closet Extra and Insider watcher!!! I know it!!!

When did TV become such a bad thing?? Ok, I admit that there is alot of really weird stuff out there on TV these days.. Marry a Midget, The Bachelor... but still.. I have started to notice the new trend where people are much too busy for TV (yeah right!! no one I know is too busy for TV, none of your lives are that amazing!!) Perhaps, it is just people in my life...maybe its because I know that most of us are Losers....hahahaha look dont get mad I am including myself in the category...how many of you are into the theatre, or go to book clubs, or dine at fine restuarants regularly...or are at jazz clubs listenning to live MUSIC!! Very few...so some of my friends would have me believing that they are home on a thursday evening sipping Wine while they listen to Mozart's Symphony while they eat a gourment meal.......discussing the ramifications of Thoms Hardy's literatue on todays Society... Its just not happening... they are eating Pizza Pizza, sipping Coke's, listenning to BHANGRA (Abrar at that!!) and watching TV!!!! COME OUT OF THE CLOSET ALREADY!!!

I love TV.... I also love Books, and Theater...and go to the gym everyday.. I lead a full life....but TV is a big part of that.. does that make me not cool because I like TV?? Hmm...well I dont care really... I like it!!!! Everyone knows better then to call me when my fav show is on...or to try to have a conversation during a show of mine.....its just not DONE!! Dont even get me started about TV manners... a whole other time....

Ok enough with the ranting....I was simply going to list some shows that I think are interesting...but I went off on another tangent after talking to a friend who informed me that TV was so "High school"!! ahhahaha...

S.

Shop Lifting...

2004-09-21T14:37:00.000-07:00

1 in 11 people in America is a shoplifter.. and 90% of people have at some time in their life shoplifted something.... Interesting things I have learned on Oprah today....

Having heard this I am racking my brain to remember when I have shoplifted... I have vague memories as a kid.. of taking something fromt he grocery store and not telling my mom I took it...so she didnt pay for it...she made me go back in and pay for it....

AHHHHHHHHHH I remember now...hahaha ok at the time I didnt consider it shop lifting...but when Nailu was working at the H2O kiosk at Center Point...well since it was a temp position....She and another curly haired girl would invite us to take whatever we wanted....and I took like a small Aqua Cream...we thought it was a crime to be charging $17 for this realllly small tube...so I considered it evening the scales...how awful I AM!!!! god....now that I think about it...I AM GUILTY.... one of the 90%...and of course I would let Curly hair pack me extra gifts when she was ringing me up

so have you ever shop lifted?

S.

Currently Reading..

2004-09-20T00:33:00.000-07:00

I have decided to always mention in a blog what I am currently reading... No real reason for it...just something I have decided to do..... I believe the books I read really affect the so called 'random' wanderings of my mind... so here goes....

The list is a little long righ tnow, because I have just been devouring books lately...

1) On Air by Maniza Naqvi. Inside, the silence is complete, upstairs, everyone is in a deep sleep.

2) I Know This Much Is True by Wally Lamb. On the afternoon of Oct 12,1990, my twin brother Thomas entered the Three Rivers, Connecticut Public Library, retreated to one of the read study carrels, and prayed to God the sacrifice he was about to commit would be deemed acceptable.

3) Open House by Elizabeth Berg. You know before you know, of course.

I know by the first sentence if I will race through a book, slow down to savour it, or be challenged by it, or need to come back to the book another time...perhaps when I will enjoy it. Thats why I include the first sentence of each of these books.... The first book, I was challenged by, the second I could read it slow enough to savour it... the third I raced through because I was so caught up in the ladies emotions thats I felt if I put the book down I might miss something she feels...

Tonight I am embarking on the book.. The Scent of Wet Earth in August by Feryal Ali Gauhar.He could have killed her with his weight haf she not eased herself out from beneath him.

I have a feeling this may be a book I will need to come back to...but lets see.......

S.

Isolated Bubbles..

2004-09-20T00:11:00.000-07:00

A while ago, Huma wrote a post about lifing being a bubble....her words really hit home to me..and I found myself thinking about this over the weekend...

Saturday night, Kasim and I had the misfortune of getting stuck in some reall awful traffic....I mean 2-3 hrs worth of traffic on the highway. Of course, as any good married couple we just were driving along QUIETLY listening to Abrar (His choice) when all of a sudden everyone was braking and then grinding to a complete HALT... We diligently craned our necks trying to see how much traffic there was....of course neither of us could see anything...but its all about the illusion of being able to see further.. We started to talk....spent about 45 mins doing that...about nothing really and just junk. Of course, as with all good married couples.....our conversation started to degenerate into me simply whining.."how much longer??" "do you think it is going to be much longer." Of course I couldnt just ask once..or twice..I had to do it each time our car inched foward.....which was every 10-15 seconds...I dont know if it was the confined space...or recycled air from our Aircon..but finally Kasim just snapped at me...I think it might have had something to do with my saying" Why did u have to take this route (knowing full well it was the only route we coudl have taken!)" Bechara he finally just looked at me and said he didnt want to talk to me..and could i just please shut up and sit in SILENCE.... I dont even blame him..I was being quite the petulant child.... So there I was, being silent...and when our mouths are silent, our minds will wander.....

My mind wandered to Huma's blog..and how that day I had not talked to a single person other then Kasim. I thought about my sisters in TO, wondering whether they had spoken to each other and of my brother in MOntreal..and who he had talked to that day...had someone checked up on his flu... I thought of my parents in Saudi...wondering how they spend the days they dont call us...Sat and Sun... My friends....all over the place.... I had not spoken to anyone... checked in on anyone elses life.. I had merrily existed in my isolated bubble...and then by the same token no one had checked up on my life either.. It was such an isolating thought...thinking I belong to people and I am for sure not alone, I had my 'silent' husband with me...but I was isolated in my Isolated Bubble... At first I thought this was ridiculous, because I was not alone so I could not be isolated.....ridiculous or not, I know I felt like I was in an Isolated Bubble in that moment.. that is when I realized there is a difference between Alone and Isolation. Alone is when you have no one to call upon or to care for and you carve those people in your life, Isolation is when you have those people and you have not connected with them, random thoughts plague you about their mental and physical well being... I guess that is the best I can explain it.

If I had had my cell phone at that moment, I would have called and called everyone to make sure they were ok and just to hear their voice... A simple hello.....can be such a reassuring and affirming action. But alas no cell phone, so I had to make due with remembering the last time I had spoken to everyone and what had been said....it was comforting but still within my bubble.. a simple hello would have popped the bubble. The funny thing I realized was, that I was not depressed or sad or even missing my family and friends, I was simply craving the feeling of popping the Isolated Bubble I felt I was in... It was like when your ears start to ring on t eh airplane..and you keep swallowing or chewing gum to POP them..and there is that moment when your ears pop and everything in the world is RIGHt, just PERFECT for that one second..and then the airplane noise starts up again....thats what I wanted that one PERFECT moment of PoP!!!!!

So these were the mind ramblings of Sobia on a saturday night in a silent Maxima, stuck on a highway for 3 hrs. My thoughts of course do not make much sense but these are what they were so I share them anyways....

If you could, would you?

2004-09-15T20:33:00.000-07:00

If you could, would you trade your family, or any member of your family??

Something I was thinking about on our flight home from Lahore. For those of you who dont know, I was in Pakistan attending Kasim's bros wedding. The whole family was there, all of the siblings along with their parents were there. And it was the first time in a long time, I think something like 8-10 years that they were all together in the same place. So, it was just a great experience to meet everyone and interact with everyone. Meal times were the best when we would all sit around and the family would get started with reminding each other of days gone by... inevitably one story would lead to another and then another...some making us laugh and some making us cringe... I had a great time just being there absorbing Kasims family. It was truly amazing... I saw my husband in each of his siblings.... one has his temper, another his exact sense of humor, another his good heartedness, another has his stubbornness... it was just so fascinating to me. I knew Kasim or at least I think I have gotten to know him quite well this last year, and then to see him in this family was a whole other set of emotions and Kasim really. It got me thinking...family is probably the one thing we all take so for granted...... Kasim probably has never seen these similarities amongst his siblings, because to him these things have always been there, and it is only when someone watches from the outside do they see the connections and interactions..

Families evolve, change over time, just like Kasims family, two new sister in laws in the family, growing numberof neices and nephews, brother in laws...but that base is the same....of course each new addition adds to the family puzzle, but what binds that family together is the love, and the memories of times shared.

Inevitably, where there is love and siblings, there will be fighting and annoying quirky habits that drive everyone or just one person insane...there will be times when someone in the family is dancing TAP DANCING on ur last nerve... moments when you really believe with all ur heart you were adopted because you can not belong to such an insane group of people...but You do.... and thats the funny thing. Family means belonging.....no matter how weird you are, no matter how strange you become....or how lost you get...you have a family...a place to call home... somewhere to find shelter... I always say no matter what the situation you are in...no matter how angry you are...if someone in ur family called for help, you would run...your heartaches even when you are upset for your families feelings....

So the question is would you trade someone in your family.... do you think if you did that, the family would still be the same... No matter how that person is who you want out...do they not add something to the family simply by being their self. Are not their idiosyncarcies and quirks what make them part of your family... even in all that which annoys the hell out of you, cant you find a common bond... I think it is impossible to seperate any part of the family without changing family dynamics completely.. but would you trade families or even just one person in your family??

I dont think so, but perhaps you disagree
That is my question tonight, and I shall leave you with this thought..

The Good, The Bad, The Ugly!!

2004-09-15T20:05:00.000-07:00

Im back from Pakistan and over my jetlag!! Of course I stretched the jetlag excuse for as long as I could... haha but now it is officially over. Its great to be back...of course it took a while to get used to the silence again. Ever notice how you are never feel alone in pakistan.... even when you are actually sitting alone at home.... I guess its the presence of servants, family, and just 'extra' people...and then there is always that rooster who will cucadoodle do whenever he/she feels like it. I think thats the best thing about my trip to Pakistan, I felt like I belonged to a family, I never felt lonely or quiet... There is constant activity, constant buzz, whether that be Chai in the lawn at 6pm, Late night runs to KFC for Midnight Madness, or just playing in the rain with my neices and nephews....

Coming back to Dallas was tough this time, dont get me wrong I was the first person in line to board the plane on the way back...but I felt a certian sense of attachment to Pakistan this time. On my early morning ride through lahore, I felt myself saying good bye to a beloved place. How strange that felt, to actually acknowledge that Pakistan is a place I would miss....all my life I have run from that place and the identity of being Pakistani but not anymore. I am sure many of you assume this is the rose tinted glasses of 'vactionning' talking...but it was more then that.. Yeah it was great to get away from everyday life, not worry about cooking, cleaning, laundry...to just laze around and order 'scangavee' and chai at random times only for it be produced moments later along with cool or hot refreshments... But this was not about escaping reality....

I saw the 'ugly' in our country, and it is rampant and can be found everywhere... Sometimes it is so depressing that tears fall from your eyes before you are even aware of a desire to cry. I once read a quote, " When the heart is full, the eyes overflow"...what is even harder to bare then the ugliness that exists in front of us, is that fact that for every house that has a healthy meal on the table, there are four house where people are hungry and no one acknowledges this... Hearts in Pakistan seem to have become stone but I dont know if that is actually the case, it seems the only way to survive is to duck ur head and just charge foward in your life....otherwise if you gave urself up to the misery that is found there you would never be able to survive. What a sad reality to live with......

Ok this blog has gotten unintentionally depressing.. Not all is so tragic in Pakistan... there is hope yet... Hair Transplant centers, awesome new Dental Centers...and of course a Booming food industry....GOD DAMN the food is awesome in Lahore...just to die for.... Chicken Tikka Pizza!! YUMMMMMMMMMMM!!! Mango Shakes!! Halwa Puri!!! Chicken HAndi!!! yum yum yum yum...and of course having found the 'desi' cure to diarrahea....Kasim and me were in BUSINESS!! Ismagolll...if you havent heard of the stuff it is a must try to cure that certian ailement we all expierence in Pakland!!!

I had a great time in Pakistan......a Place I can call home now...

Midnight Phone Calls!!

2004-07-19T20:06:00.000-07:00

Today was my birthday, and I had a really great day. Its funny, as you get older, you tend to think its ok not to celebrate your birthday or that you really dont care about your birthday. But if we were really honest, we want the day to be remembered and to be made to feel special on that day. I am not saying we want a big SUPRISE birthday party each year or any extravagant present....a small gesture, a phone call, a card in the mail, an e-card...anything really...just something that makes you smile and feel important. Alot of people made that effort for me today...so thank you so much...and a special thanks to my hubby, for going far beyond anything I could have imagined!!

So I am 26, I was talking to a friend, Wacky and he said so one less year you are going to live...quite a depressing way of looking at it.... and then there was my cousin Nauman, who with pleasure noted my accomplishment of having completed another year in my life. Two very different ways of looking at it...neither better nor worse then the other...just different ends of the spectrum. When I thought about it....actually what Wacky was saying was a JOLT to me...wow another year gone....and am I any closer to those goals I set out for myself?? It seems I make goals for myself, goals that hover on the horizon of next year...and yet with each passing year those goals seem to shimmer like a mirage...almost as if the accomplishment of those goals does not exist. I have become so complacent with seeing those goals on my horizon that I make no move towards them. Things just seem to get in the way..and time seeps through my fingers..and I am a year older...

On the other hand, I have accomplished some things this year...and I should be proud of those . I have survived one year of marriage...ahhahah well I think we did a little better then just survive... I have moved to a new place and adjusted to living in the US..now some of you may think this is not quite the feat but honestly...the US is realllllllllllllly different.... I started school again... I have joined a gym and started to concentrate on my weight.... All great things but I dont know.....I still dont feel the sense of achievement, that feeling of having crossed something off my list...

I am reminded of the Mastercard ad, one of those ones where everything costs something until you reach your goal and that is priceless. The one I am thinking of was about a couple visiting China and crossing off #7 on their to do list..... So, I think I need a list, of things that I would like to accomplish or at least try once... It doesnt have to be a long list or even the final list, but just a list....I guess I am thinking if I make a list I might actually get around to doing some things on that list... and now that would be an accomplishment... So here is my list... (mind you, the order has nothing to priority and is just a random list)

1) Running a Marathon!!
2) Making an American Quilt by hand
3) Travelling to Mongolia and Timbuktu
4) Sky diving
5) Writing something ( essay, short story, article, anything) that is published
6) Walking the Golden Gate bridge at Sunset
7) Hajj
8) Opennign my own business/shop
9) Adopting a child
10) Volunteering at a Half way home for Women

Ten so far...not bad....I shall keep adding....and working towards scratching them off!!!

Stranded on a Friday Night...

2004-07-16T23:45:00.000-07:00

So it is 12:15am on Sat morning actually. Kasim has gone to sleep leaving me to my insane concocted plan of stay up really late tonight. Why, you may ask, do I want to stay up late? Its simple, I dont want to get up early tommorrow. I have begun to notice a pattern where on weekends for no reason I am wide awake at 7-730am. So this weekend I have decided I am too young to be getting up so early, I dont have kids, I dont work, I dont do much of anything, these are my days to sleep. In order to combat this, I am going to stay up really late watching TV and fighting my sleep, until I can handle it no longer or 2am whichever comes first.. I am well aware of how absurd my plan sounds, just let me have my pathetic attempt at capturing my YOUTH once again. I guess I am having anxiety attacks about turning 26!!! Hahahahah actually no, I think this is just one of those weird Sobia moments...

I have been spending most of this evening researching Charities in Pakistan. I was sent on this path by a cousin of mine. Nauman sent me the link to a disturbing article about the practice of "acid throwing" in Pakistan. I had heard of this situation in Bangladesh and was really saddenned to see this being spread to Pakistan. Nauman and I were talking about this situation, and Nauman mentioned that he would like to get involved with helping people in these situations. To paraphrase what he said, "I am young, I have time and I am smart.. I am sure I can be of help but how??" Which is true for many of us, we all have alot we could offer and are willing to put in the effort to make a difference, but is there a real outlet for this kind of talent. It seems the further you look alot of Charities simply need Money and Volunteer time. But there has to be something that we can do collectively that would help our situation, whether that be raising awareness for what is happening in our country. I am not simply speaking about "acid Throwing" but there is so much that needs to be correted or even improved. I know I know, again I am being Idealistic and overly Noble.

But its not that. I really do believe that even raising awareness is important. I am trying to think of how many articles I have read, in any newspaper in the world, that dealt with the current situation of poverty, illiteracy, and abuse in Pakistan. To be honest, very few..... and of those articles how many were being written to improve the situation rather then simply expose teh Pakistani traditions as backwards, almost none. Scary isnt it?? So, I guess I am saying there has to be charitable work that we can do here in North America that will impact the lives of people in Pakistan. I just perhaps dont know what form that will take, or what the right path is... But there has to be something we can do.... I was checking out this charity CARE, I am sure I have mentioned it to some people, such a simple idea but pure brillance to me... CARE is creating schools which are funded by the charity and are paying the students to attend school, so they will actually be educated rather then being forced to work somehwere to help bring home income. Another intiative by this charity is to teach women crafts that can be made in their homes so they can earn incomes from their home. Such simple ideas, but these ideas have fundamentally changed the lives of so many for the better... Even raising awareness for this charity and the great work they do. Since I have learned about it, I make it a point to buy CARE crafts, contributing in my small way. Perhaps those crafts could be sold here in N. America, at ISNA conferences, at Bazaars, at Flea Markets... just an idea....

Like I said, I dont know the right path or even what the right way to channel this energy I feel and have talked to many people about, but what I am now convinced of that there has to be a way. We just have to find it...so anyone have any ideas.... ways we can get this kind of thing organized...please I would love to hear the ideas....if you dont want to comment, email me...you all have my email.....

S.

Fighting Spiders

2004-07-13T21:29:00.000-07:00

So life in Texas has made me conquer many of my fears.. I used to be scared of spiders and other little insects...but not anymore, having peacefully lived amond these critters for the last year. I have lost my fear, now I battle these awful creatures with confidence and stealth skill.

For some reason, our front door attracts spider webs...dont ask me why, it just does.. So now as the summer season is in full swing, there are often spider webs in the corners of the door frame. Now, I am short and I have found an advantage here....I usually jsut walk in and out without encountering any spider webs....but Kasim always walks right into the web...BOOM all over his face... bechara I feel so bad for him...so now I regularly check my door and get out the good old "insect killing broom" and start attacking... Now, Kasim also has something against killing spiders because they once helped Hazrat Muhammad (PBUH) when he was escaping...so I have to manuover in such a way as to bring the spider to the ground and then sweep it GENTLY away from our door...all the while making sure I keep it alive...Believe me it is quite a process...

Feeling inordinately proud of myself, I informed some friends that I had accomplished this fete...and they simply said good now u can work on that Snake fear you have. I was like well at least I dont have to deal with that here in TExas...and they started to laugh and proceeded to tell me that there are over 100 types of snakes in Texas...and can be FOUND EVERYWHERE!! Now I havent had the misfortune to meet one yet...and honestly I DONT THINK I CAN HANDLE THAT....Im beginning to feel like I am living on a perpetual FEAR FACTOR!!! At least they get money if they win, all I get is a "semi Im making fun of you" Shabash from Kasim. I need further recognition for my accomplishments!!!!

S.

Nailu's Bday...missed...

2004-06-23T20:07:00.000-07:00

So, I missed Nailu's bday....May 9th, completely blew past my mind. I am an awful friend, and I truly feel so baddddddddddddddd... So sorry Nailu, and as usual, in true Nailu fashion, she did not even make it a big deal..did not say anything to make me guilty or anything. Just was Nailu.... simply saying, Sobs u forgot my birthday...monthes later... Now, if it had been me, I would have given her a million guilt trips, called her all sorts of names, and given her a long lecture about how she is such a bad friend to me.... That is me....Ms. Over the top, totally too emotional on the completely weirdest things in the world. And to this pyscho sporadic behaviour, Nailu would simply say, I know Sobs I know, you are right.... She would just "agree" me into silence. then later she would relive my hysterics and say That is why she loves me. But my mind deviates...the thing is I forgot Nailu's bday and for this she gains HONORABLE MENTION IN MY BLOG!!!! hahahaha now I know all of you are thinking, that is no big deal...but being mentioned in my Blog is quite an EVENT!!! (could I be any more self absorbed - but I know you love me for it!!)

Now, I also forgot my friend Holmz birthday, May 22nd, but given the fact that she got married on May 8th and I remembered this event...and her wedding so far superceded her birthday, that this ommission on my part is justifiable...or at least to me it is...and if Holmz dares to complain I shall kick her butt for having ignored me for the better part of the last month.

Yesterday was Kasim's bday and I had the HARDEST time in the world finding a gift for him..You would think that having lived with him for the last year i would have some clue as to what he would want for his birthday...and yeah I HAD NO CLUE!! What do you get the guy who wants nothing, and really never ever says Oh I was thinking of getting this or that...I was under pressure, the 'I am losing sleep kinda pressure'. I started thinking about how he is probably feeling the same pressure for my birthday and how that is just wrong. We should not roam the malls and stores in search of a gift, spending our time going from store to store...trying to find that perfect gift that the person is going to love... it is hard!! Really hard...if not impossible. When did we get so obsessed with these events that they became a pressure rather then fun. Dont get me wrong, I wanted to do something special for Kasim.... I love him more then anything in the world and I truly believe he is Allah's greatest blessing in my life...and I guess the pressure came with wanting to show him that through a GIFT and that is not possible. I can not wrap up my love and respect for him in a gift bag with pretty tissue paper and slap a big BOW on it. It is funny though, it was the smallest gift that actually turned out to be the best thing for him. My husband needed a key chain for his car keys, while standing at the dollar store check-out counter, I saw these key chains with catchy sayings and I picked one up for Kasim that said.."Everyone is entitled to MY OPINION" and if you know my husband you know how PERFECTLY that describes him at times...he 'believes' that he allows other to have their opinions but he really doesnt!!!! haahahahha And he loved it...it made him smile and he put it right away on his Keys. I guess sometimes we get so caught up in spending a certian amount, or buying a big gift...because BIG IS BETTER, that we forget that its really the simple things that bring the greatest pleasure... that it is the thought rather then the gift that can truly make someoen feel special... Ahhh but that is not to say that some BLING BLING ( my khala lingo coming in) hurts anyone!!!!

Now, having jsut recovered from Kasim's birthday and the gift fiasco...our anniversary looms large in front of us. ARGHHHHHHH!!! No no, I am so happy that Alhm we are celebrating our "one" year....but it is just that everyone keeps asking...so what you guys doing for your anniversary...anything special planned for your anniversary....are you guys going away for your anniversary..what are you getting for your anniversary... There is so much 'pressure' to do SOMETHING!!! ANYTHING!! on your anniversary. Can not let this day pass without some huge, bonanza event. HAHAHAHA bechari Nailu and Holmz got the brunt of it from me, when they asked me what we were doing for our anniversary....I was like are we supposed to be doing something......is there a CODE of events that we are missing...because HOnestly Kasi and me have nothing planned... WE have not even discussed it really... but if anyone knows the FIRST ANNIVERSARY CODE that Kasim and me are missing please do not hesitate to pass it along to us... But I shall let you know what we ended up doing... I am sure whatever it is...it will be 'right'. Sounds unromantic I know, but it is not...it is probably the most romantic thing I can say. Because being 'right' is the accomplishment of having been together, given and taken selfishly from each other, having laughed, cried, fought but all of it, together and having survived really low moments and ridden the high wave. 'Right' means belonging to someone and having someone belong to you. So, whether it is a simple dinner at home or at a restuarant, a secret getaway or an extravagant trip, I just pray that it is the 'right' moment for us.

S.

coOkie munster rabs...

2004-06-17T16:49:00.000-07:00

Thought i'd add a few memories that stood out in my mind of "Rabs @ 50 Prince Arthur"

1) Accidentally eating a chocolate chip cookie at 50 prince arthur meant FBI Investigation: as rabs entered her apartment and walked right into the kitchen all i would hear is: "Sobs.... there are 9 cookies left... who ate the 10th one?" Now how do u think i felt EVERY TIME? The sad part is, i would always eat a cookie, never learnt from my lessons... Can't help it , I live to eat not eat to live :)

2) I have never seen anyone enjoy chai as rabs does... if u watch rabia drink her tea, u will feel each sip of her tea trickle down ur own throat.. its amazing. so i decided to buy a her mugga for her chai. its called.... *maow* (billa)

3) Rabia's electric fish dance is one that only those who have witnessed it are blessed... I still sometimes try to figure out how this girl manages to move in so many directions all at once and all in the air! It is TALENT.

4) Once years ago, i mistakenly planned a trip to middleeast with sobia. little did i know sobia did not believe in sleeping during a 7 hour flight, that wasnt the problem, i also had no clue that sobia made sure noone around her slept any of those 7 hours... but back to rabs, at canadian immigration with 45 mints left for our flight to departure, sobia confidentally presents her passport and ticket.. the lady says: "Your not Rabia Ahmed" ... need i say more? next thing u know, rabia and umber take a cab to the airport.. poor rabs, she was worried and angry and angry!
but i luved the flight.

5) i luv the cushions on the drivers seat :) we those in our car too.... no names mentioned

this tiny work of art is full of determination to fulfill her goals.. shes worked hard and done good for her self and inshallah is on her way to success where noone dares to stop her. ..

:)
sluGz

Lowe Letters...

2004-06-15T20:21:00.000-07:00

I forget the year now, one of our 50 Prince Arthur Years....Rabs had just yelled at me for something and stalked off into her room, giving me one of her "whatever" eyes looks... I waited a while, to let her cool off a little and get really settled in at her desk...before I knocked on her door and walked in. I was wearing my "expressive" pants...and this striped shirt that had lost its shape in the 80's (which I still own and wear on trips to TO!!). With a very serious expression, I said, "Rabs, we need to talk, the neighbour just complained!!" and Rabs still holding on to her anger, gave me this dirty look and said, "What?? What the hell did he say, Ill bust him up" (Rabs was always the macho in our relationship, doing all my MEAN things for me). So, I said, WEll the neighbour would appreciate it if you would stop writing him anonymous Love Letters... Rabs just looked at me and we both just cracked up laughing.... That moment was just one of many but it so perfectly captured our time together.... Forever after that day, all we had to do was say Loweeeeeee LEtttterrs to make the tension go away..... the roots of the notorious Gang, The Lowelies are cemented in that day...

Tommorrow, Rabia is graduating from the University of Toronto with a Bachelors of Commerce. So todays blog is dedicated to her and all our great memories together..Where did the years go?? I feel like I blinked and the last 7 years flashed by me. As I am sitting here, typing this, memories are flooding me, some making me laugh outloud( Kasi thinks Im going insane), some making me smile, others cringe, and some just make me shake my head and wonder what were we thinking...But through it all, we were the best of friends..

Who would have known when we moved into 50 prince arthur that we would become, forget best friend, even friends?? At that time, Rabs and I were not that close....I had spent the last four years in England and Canada. During this time, Rabs had developed a personality of sorts..and I had missed this "important" stage... so it was as strangers that we began our life in TO.. I still remember that first night when Mom left, we were in the Kitchen preparing dinner and Rabs just started to cry, and I honestly didnt know what to do with her...whether I should hug her, comfort her or tell her to shut up and grow up. Of course, I opted for the last option and that sent her further into tears..and I remmeber thinking GREAT Im living with a nut case!! How wrong I was...how wrong I was... Dont get me wrong, Rabs is a NUT, a complete and utter NUT but not a NUT CASE ( the difference is monumental!! Rabs knows!!)

Thus, we started our lives together... Being the awful and lazy sister I was, I deprived Rabia that first year of many essential things, I never got her a bank account, so she had to ask me for money (please everyone ask rabs to show you how she would ask for money, its HILARIOUS!!!), I kept forgetting to take her for her OHIP card so when she got ill, she developed this awful habit she still has of Self-medicating.. I also deprived her of food, not intentionally, but I didnt know how to cook and Rabs was the finkiest eater I knew (until I met my husband!)and she hated eating out... but of course Rabs was the only one to lose weight, I still managed to gain weight!! But she never complained...never said I was not taking care of her or that my food sucked...and believe me those meals I created were just NASTY!!! She would simply ask for Ketchup and Coke, her calm way of telling me that the food I had produced was the nastiest junk in the world. When I look back at that first year, I realize two things a) its a miracle we survived and b) how much we have grown !!!

I have spent many hours regalling everyone with stories of the funny things Rabs has done through the years. She never ceased to provide me with opportunities to make fun of her...it was a natural talent..But to be honest, Rabs was my Calm and Anchor in the storm. She was the one who spent hours talking to me about everything under the sun, who missed home with me, got excited for my small successes, pushed me to do the sit ups, got mad at me for slacking off in life, got angry with me for things, showed me attitude on the right things...Two people couldnt be more different then Rabs and me, our actions, thoughts, everything but yet it is Rabs who not only knows me, but UNDERSTANDS me and accepts me. And for that faith in me....I will always be grateful for Allah giving me a sister like her..someone who laughs at all my jokes....

Now, Rabs isnt all sugar and ice cream if thats what you are thinking, she has some fire to her as well.. We have a family name for her "choti pataki", a well deserved nickname. Rabs will yell at you for anything if you are wrong...doesnt matter who you are...if you are wrong, you are wrong and you are going to hear about. 5 ft nothing but she has the temper of a GIANT!! She has a big heart but get in her bad books and you will regret the very decision that brought you to that moment...I guarantee it!! if you havent experienced it then just be thankful!!!! Ok, ok, its not that bad...but its bad!!!

I could write another page or so, singing Rabs praises...but I shall not...because if you know Rabs then you know all the great things about her...For being Rabs sister, I am grateful, for being her friend, I consider myself lucky. I feel privileged to have watched Rabia become the person she is and see her grow over the years,(from a meek student trotting off to BSS in her Sailor uniform to this smart, mature, hesitantly Adult Rabia, humaree TORONTO KHEE IN CHARGE!!!).

Rabs, it will always be a regret for me that I was not there to watch you walk across that stage to recieve your diploma, but I will be there in spirit. I am prouder of you then anything or anyone in my life. You are my greatest achievement. Thank you for shining where I could not, thank you for being my friend, my sister and my shadow. I dont know what I would have done these last 7 years with out you, probably survived but you made it fun and worthwhile for me....

Congratulations on Graduating, enjoy your day, you have well earned this day!!!!! I pray that only success and happiness are in your future...

I was goign to end the Blog there but it seemed a rather emotional note to end things on... So, I have decided to make a list of Rabia moments!!!

1) I will forever have the image of Rabs sitting at her desk etched in my mind. In her sweats, wearing her Next Grey Fleece jacket...her hair pulled back and bobby pins guarding her balding tackling books the size of HER!!!!..Her feet resting on a stool since they didnt quite reach the floor.
2) Rabia and her cell phone....please refer to my blog dealing with this situation...which has NOT improved at all....
3) Internalizing the pain!! Rabs always wanted to tell me her ailements and I would simply ask her to internalize the pain until we got to Saudi and she wasnt my concern anymore!
4) Hording food - Now this is a strange one....dont know where she got this.....but her rusks and choc chip cookies should not be taken lightly...as Gulbie, Holmz and Sarah realized very fast.
5) MSN olypmics....Rabs, at one time, was training for the MSN Messenger Olypmics.... she was welll in line to get the GOLD!! I dont think she is doing that professionally anymore but still regularly practices..
6) I sawryy...I so very sawryy **JApanese** bow... now those who need to understand this know what I am talking about.
7) TTCing- during our first years, Rabs had a student discount card to use ont he TTc and since we were carless, we took the TTC everywhere...so everytime we were just about to leave...rabs would have to find this damn card that never resided in her wallet... ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH biggest tension of my life...so I would always give Rabs a time of departure that included her TTCing time...
8) Buying donuts only for herself, though all of us were hungry....
9) Makign me do all ehr ENglish assignments and GETTING MAD at me if they werent done on time....
10) Inventing Costumes for halloween, I still think the BEACH idea was a good one!!!
11) Dresing for the winter as if she was going off to war and walking like that through the cold..
12) Becoming Halali, though she didnt eat veggies, seafood, and wasnt fond of PIZZA!!!!
13) Having a trance like connectionw tiht the TV, so the only way to get her off out of the room, was to close the TV until she left and then turning it back on.
14) Her "whatever" **roll the eyes* look
15) Talking between the walls of our rooms!!!
16) Using two different duvets, just because Mom said to do it that way!!! I stopped I think a month into living alone, but rabs continued for another 6 yrs and 11 monthes...
17) Organizing and Re-oragnizing her room, which is always messy no matter how much she organizes, had gotten too USED to having two rooms...
18) FA MULAN!!!
19) I'll FIX YOU!! **twist twist**
20) Judging performance on Exams by the amount of Cookies, Brownies and ice cream Rabs and Sarah inhaled.
21) An Obsession with an Indian film star look a like
22) Raising Masti together!! Just for an Update- Masti is now an international star of Cat Food Ads
23) Leaving me Post it msgs in A MILLION locations for one simple task.
24) Never and I mean NEVER wanting to play music loud in a car....rabs was born a bhuddhi in this respect.
25) The world could be coming down around her, but Rabs will always prepare a good breakfast for herself, sit down and enjoy it...
26) Watching Breaker High during Sehri time....Sehri times in general were always eventful for us...
27) Rabia's Parathay and Omelette making skills
28) Mistress, Geisha, Boyfriend, Follower, Lover!!
29) SELN ( The Lowelies know this one!!!)
30) Taking Naps when she should be studying.....ALWAYS!!!

The list goes on and on... but I must stop now.... Rabs you are the best....Thanks!!!

S.

Hum Tum!!

2004-06-14T20:13:00.000-07:00

Now that is a really great movie!! After a long time, I sat through an Indian movie and didnt stare at my watch about a dozen times. The last time I think was Kuch Kuch Hota Hai... Its not even that original but I enjoyed it thorougly....good acting by Saif Ali Khan never hurts!!!

The movie got me thinking about this concept of 'couples'. Its interesting...how we all seem to be walking around either looking for something, in something, or trying to get out of something. By something, I mean a relationship. These are the three permenant states of a TRUE DESI!! There are no if, ands or buts about it. And those who try to deny that these are the 3 stages of somethings in our lives, well they can safely be placed in the first category. It's a sad but true fact of our desi lives... Of course we all go through that particular phase, where we 'pretend' to be enjoying being "single", loving spending time getting to know me, and doing all the things that you always wanted to... ahhahaha I loved that phase...esp now that I have gone through it and really understood how deep the denial really is( I am acknowledging this phase simply to avoid all those emails and comments from people who are going through this phase).... but sadly we all come out of it realizing just how badly u want to jump from wanting something to having something. Now, dont get me wrong...I am not advocating that the "having" something phase is better...I am only saying that it is percieved to be a better state to be in.... whether it is or isnt, can be debated...and depending on my mood with Kasim, I can argue either way....

So given these three phases I wonder which one everyone is at. Of course I wont ever really know, unless they are married or engaged....Because , true desi fashion, we never know who is at wanting or having or leaving....until the last possible moment and by that time there is a transition being made between the phases..and you are back to wondering which phase they really are at...its quite the vicious cycle.....

Desi life.....

11 Monthes...

2004-06-08T20:51:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was 11 monthes for us...I know its a weird thing to count but in the first yr of marriage, every month feels like an achievement of sorts....Espiecally considering Kasim is married to me!! Ms. Neurotic of the century (Stop NODDING YOUR HEAD Wacky!!!!..)

But I was thinking back to Ambers dholkhi and how all the aunties and married ones were giving advice...Alot of it was great advice but it wasnt anything that would get you through the bad nights...when you've had an awful fight and you want to individually pluck every hair out of your spouses head and feed it to them after you have doused it in acid.... What holds that couple together while they are laying awake facing away from each other trying to think how they can even make up after the fight they had... Of course in my usually knowledgable fashion I came up with NOTHING!!! No, I guess it is different for everyone, some people need a Sorry, some an Explanation, some need Gifts, others need Bribes, and yet others just need something simple like a HUG to make it all go away... So there is no real advice for those rough nights....just keep breathing and start praying!!!

But, there is one piece of advice I recently heard that hit me... You know how sometimes a simple catch phrase can really click with you well this was one for me. It was an unlikely source, probably one I wouldnt have considered taking advice from. But it only goes to show how you should never underestimate anyone and their life experiences...no one knows how many tears and sleepless nights are hidden behind a happy smiling face!!!! The lady said, Make a commitment to yourself that you are going to be happy....regardless of this world and what happens you are going to find a way to make yourself happy. Decide that today I am going to make Sobia Khan (insert your own name here, cant have the whole world trying to make me happy!!!)happy.... It just struck me as brilliant. (I had a pure Little Mermaid moment, where the light is shining on me as I swim up into the light and the music aaaAAA aAaAAaa is playing) Its so simple and yet I realized I have never started my day with that thought in mind. I always assumed happiness should find me, not the other way around. That happiness should walk into my life or at least come to the door and KNOCK, announcing "SOBIA HAPPINESS IS HERE TO GRACE UR LIFE!!!!" I have never thought to search for happiness...but why not?? So it is thus that this simple phrase has altered my perception of happiness... That happiness is not something that finds us or that we come upon suddenly, it is something that can and should be found in our lives right now at this percise moment.

S.

Changing Lives

2004-06-03T17:28:00.000-07:00

Im sorry for my prolongfed absence..I had believed that I would be able to continue my blogging while in TO but I found that I was Unable too...I kept thinking I need to blog this or that...but it didnt happen.. But have no fear, I am back in Dallas and back to my blogging...Ive gotten lots of material from my trip to TO...

My trip to Toronto was great..I had a really great time...enjoyed myself as always. and was a real learning experience for me. I felt Married for the first time in TO, perhaps it was because Kasim came with me, or because I've been married now for a year.. I dont know...but I felt it....

Haris kept telling me that I had changed, that I was 'fun no more' and that I had become an Amma...hahahah at first I would keep telling him that I was the same person and that I hadnt changed at all...this of course led to Anger....because I wanted to prove that I was the same person and that marriage hadnt changed me.... Then, my mom asked Haris the same question, "Has sobs changed?" and when Haris nodded his response, my mom was happy with his response. Watching that interaction got me thinking, had I changed?? Was I completely different from the person who had left TO on April 18, 2003? And thats when I realized that I probably had changed and just never realized it, because for me the changes were matter of fact, just part of my life.....It was only when I came to TO and met old friends that I was even made aware of those changes...

But just the way I had changed, all my friends had changed as well, each in their own way and without realizing it, because just like me...it was matter of fact for them and just part of their lives.. So, I realized Haris had changed as well, his life had taken a new direction, and mine had taken another. It was just nice to know that we could still be friends even though we had taken different paths. And thats what Im thankful for on this trip to TO, that I still feel my friendships are as strong as they were. I can still tell Gulbs that she is an SKR, tell Haris that he needs a haircut DESPERATELY, even my relationship with Rabs falls back into the same routine.....

So Haris, yes I have changed, we both have. But you know what, Im glad we have changed, it means we are growing.....becoming who we are meant to be.....

S.

Streakers Party

2004-05-23T15:08:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine at RBC, Tanya N. once told me that the thing that bonds us was our memories. She said that it was this 'making of memories' that was so important in any relationship, because these memories were what would get you through the bad times..and keep you going. I didnt understand what she meant at first, and I scoffed at the thought that it was the past that would guide our future. Of course, as usual I was wrong...

Last night, at the HSY show,(side note: The show was excellent...JUST THE BEST!! REally great clothes!!) I got into a conversation with someone about marriage and what gets you through the bad times. Without hesitation, I said..."Memories" and he had the same bewildered look on his face that I had when Tanya N. said the same thing to me. Why do I love being here in TO with my family and friends?? Nothing is the same as when I left it, many things have changed, but why does it still feel like home? Because I have some of the best memories of my life here...Walking to Blockbusters and Sara's shawarma's, Late nights at 7 West, Valentine Day Excapades, Tim Horton Addictions, Marche Waffles and Crepes, Keema Paratha's... and even the Bad memories tie me to this place and to my friends and family here...It is the same with my family, doesnt matter where we are in the world....what house, what city, it will always be home for me because of the memories I share with my family, Streakers Party, Sharing Desserts in Turkey while playing Trump, the small traditions and things that are your family's memories, the way your Dad knocks on the door, the way your Mom answers the phone...all these memories make you want to come home....and Im so happy to be here...even though nothign is the same, everything is the same at the same time...

The funny thing, I realized while typing this, is I dont remember, what Gulbie, Holmz, or anyone was wearing at the time, nor what Bag the person was carrying. Or what car Haris and Nailu were driving. Or how broke one of us was, or how stressed we were..who had the latest cell phone, or palm thingamajig .... all that you really remember are the laughs...and the smiles.. I guess it just goes to show, really doesnt matter, none of these material things matter...at all.. but YES....the one thing that does come through with the laughs and the smile...is the FOOD!!!!!

so, here's to Making Memories, and Great Food!!!!!

Reign of Terror!!

2004-05-21T21:14:00.000-07:00

The time has come!! Rabia's Reign of Terror must end!! This is Sadaf and my new assertion, that she has managed to usurp our Positions of power and install herself as the all knowing, all powerful DAUGHTER!! But we are taking back power, the Coup is being planned....there will be blood and tears but at the end there will be TRIUMPH FOR SADAF AND ME!!!! Many of you have no clue what I am talking about.... but this is a warning for RABIA...and her supporters..namely HASSAN!!..Let the games begin!!!

Hassan is visitng this weekend, and of course, he has commandeered the TV, alternating between sports channels and Play Stations. Now, the charm of Sports channel I shall never understand, whats the point of following a game where U ALREADY KNOW who won the game.....or to hear the same news recapped over and over and over again.. Im so happy to be married to someone so totally not involved in this stuff...THANK GOD!! But Play station...now this is really interesting... I absolutely completely suck at playing games.....I think it is the fact that there are so many graphics and special effects now, that I get so mesmerized by these that I forget to play the game...Like playing Soccer, I just get happy learning that I can do flying Headers, that it doesnt really matter if I score or not... Now, keeep in mind that I am from the time when Nintendo first came out, you know where everyone was only playing Super Mario Bro's, that music still haunts me when I cant sleep, and you would eat mushrooms and double in size, when the remote controls were simple, there was FOWARD, BACKWARD, UP, DOWN, and two( yeah a whole TWO extra keys) jump and shoot. It took us forever to master those buttons and now, there is a Manual to even understand how to use the CONTROL, there is something seriously wrong with that.. I still remember how you had to WAIT for someone to finish their turn before you could play your turn, there was none of this SPLIT screen, four remotes at one time deal.... It was simpler back then and whole lot of fun..

Now, before Nintendo even, we had Computer Games, and Im not talking about these Death a nd Mayhem ones that exist now. Im talking about the awesomely addictive games like, Pak Man, Tetris, and of course Frogger!!! Recently, Wacky sent me Pacman the original game, and it was soooooooooooo much fun to relive it all. I remember being at Friends houses waiting for my turn to play frogger....the highlight of the night was reaching a new level...and you were the coolest person at the party because u had attained the LEVEL no one else could have...Those were the days...

These Nintendo 64's, Game cube's, Play Stations, vagara vagara dont hold a candle to the originals....I move that we have a reversion back to the basics....Lets bring back ataris and simple Comp games...

Anyways, I guess Im being idealistic again..But thats what I love about this blogging, is that I can give my thoughts a voice...and not only that it makes me realize how many care about what I say...Like, my reese's peices nostalgia blog, A friend of Rabs sent me a Reese Peiece Bar after reading that, and Amber decorated her Chocolate cake with Reese peices.....small things....but very special for me...so thank you everyone!!!!

Im off to Gulbs tommorrow and to a fashion show...so I shall blog about the events tommorrow night!!!

S.

Home At Last!!!

2004-05-18T22:04:00.000-07:00

so here I am in Toronto, and loving it....Its funny how much at home I feel here...but I guess that has alot to do with my family and friends being here...I have been messing with my Neice's mind.. Saania is the CUTEST baby....just so mischevious...she always has this glint in her eyes, like what is she going to do next...of course all the expectant comments have come, when are you going to have a baby, blah blah blah...honestly...you think that MY NOT BEING PREGNANT would be enough of a hint but nooo...Anyways, desi aunties will be desi aunties.

Marriage is great, but being home after marriage is even BETTER!!! Kasi came to toronto with me this time, and it was alot of fun. I was glad he was able to spend time with those I love and in a place that I love. Its weird, when we got married I was joining Kasi's life in Dallas, he had to share everything with me. He helped me to make room for myself in his life, his place. He was really great about our transition from him and me to us. But even though I loved having him here, I was also happy to have tiem alone in Toronto. I know this is mean, but I felt like Toronto was my private space....my memories, my friends, my life, my place, and I dont know why but it was just hard to share that.... I believe a strong marriage, each person has to have their own 'space', doesnt have to be a 'physical' space but just a space that is theirs. For me it is Toronto. This place will forever be idealized in my mind for the 6 great years that I spent here.

Gulbie and I had dinner the other night, and she was telling me how she had wanted to comment on my post about being worried about a changing Toronto. She felt that Toronto had seen me through so many different changes and that it would simply see me through this changing phase now. I dont agree with that, only because I know this chapter in my life is closed....not to say I wont perhaps move to Toronto, but only that to move foward with my life I had to leave this place behind, so Toronto couldnt see me through my marriage phase, but it can still rejunvenate me with all my great memories. Rabs was talking to me today about how the day I left TO for her was more emotional then my rukhsati because symbolically for her..that was the end of our chapter together...

Ok this blog is getting decidely depressing...must move on...So I went to watch a movie today...Mean Girls, please everyone do me a favour, take your $9.25 and throw it away rather then spend the time and MONEY to watch this movie...such a waste of everything..I can safely say I have left the "teeny bopper' movie phase....I really didnt gain one Iota or even a shred of anythingggggggggggggg from that movie....a total and utter waste...I think I wont go to the Movies now until Spiderman II or The Stepford Wives comes out....

Packing..

2004-05-11T22:20:00.000-07:00

So its the night before I leave for toronto. A hectic day no matter how organized you are, and I am the queen of making lists, organizing and planning ahead. I may not be the most ontime person, but even my 'lateness' is planned...if you dont believe me ask Rabia, who suffered through years of my tyrannical behaviour about keeping with my schedule.

So, at around 12pm today I had completed my packing, done all the chores, run all the errands and ticked off all the items on my list, picked out my outfit for tommorrow, ironed everything... I was ready to leave for toronto. And then there was Kasi, who by the looks of it had not the faintest clue we were leaving tommorrow for toronto. No list, no packing, no completion of tasks, and yet 12 hrs later at 12 AM after some frantic hours of completing his stuff, he too is ready to leave for TO (owing in a large part to my having the AVAILABLE free time to help him pack). Before marriage this would have stressed me out beyond life to the point of hypervenitilations, but the thing I have learned with Kasi is, that at the 11th hr everything gets done when it comes down to it.... But honestly the logic that guides my husband in these situations will always allude me and perhaps it is better I do not understand the workings of his mind...

Anyways....packing is one of the most stressful events in my life. No seriously, I mean getting the perfect combination of clothes, shoes, accessories, paraphenalia making sure I have enough but not too much ITS NOT AN EASY THING!!! There are different types of packers I have discovered. There are the LOGICAL packers, the me's of the world, the ones who bring EXACTLY what they need ( there is a logic to everything that goes into our suitcase), and any unforeseen situations would throw our packing off the mark. There are deceptive packers, those who seem to have the Mary Poppins bag, the smallest bag with the MOST stuff in it...My friend Huma is like this. Then there are the OVER packers....this would be my sisters, Sadaf and Rabia...who spend critical time discussing any possible situation that could come up on the trip and pack accordingly...so alas, you will find my sisters packing Shalwar kameezs for a trip to Hawaii in the off chance that any Auntie shows up and we have to go over.....the shalwar kameez always requires the matching shoes and accesories (packing with them always raises my blood pressure because there is very little SOBIA LOGIC used.) OF course, I cannot not mention the PAKI packers...you know the ones...who believe weight limits are an evil 'whiteman' invention and stuff their suitcases and HAND BAGS accordingly, of course then Logical packers get the pleasure of standing behind these people at the check-in desk, while they calmly claim that their bag is not 40 kgs overweight even though the bag is bursting at the seems and only held together by the bright color rope wrapped around it...ever notice how this only happens on DESI flights?? Ok, tonight I have discovered a new breed of packers, and once again this discovery was made while helping Kasi pack. These packers are called HEROIC packers. They are the ones who plan on doing a 100 things in a 4 day trip, having convinced themselves of this heroic feat, they pack accordingly, in complete denial of the fact that they will barely have time to even do 10% of the things...

It is my effort and plan to convert everyone to the Logical way of packing.....anyways, I better get to bed.....see you all soon Inshallah...

S

All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my mother - A Lincoln

2004-05-10T22:45:00.000-07:00

This past Sunday was Mother's Day. A day for us to celebrate our mothers and let them know how much they mean to us. I, of course missed getting my post up on the right day, but I think its important to recognize my mom even if I dont have the right day!! It's interesting, for the days, nights, hours, minutes our mothers spend on us, we thank them only one day of the year...and for them that is enough. I guess that is what Motherhood is( i dont know but I can only suppose) you give without expecting anything in return, and appreciate whatever your kids give you...

Mothers carry our lives for nine monthes, give us life, bring us into this world, nurture our live, teach us about life, guide our lives, gently nudge our lives in the right direction, and for all this all they ask for are those stolen moments of fleeting kisses, hugs and thank you's....that sadly, as we get older seem to be further and further apart....As a baby we would grasp our mothers fingers as if they were a life support, follow our mothers with our eyes always wanting her in our view....As a child, your mom is the one who kisses away the bobo's, makes you Tang flavoured popsicles, and admires your random art skills...Then the teen years hit, and everything your mom says, thinks, or does is just ANNOYING and 'sooooooo not with it', you just cant simply understand why your mom wont leave u ALONE!! Of course these yrs are followed by ur twenties...when you have to return home, tongue in cheek, having realized that ur mom always knew best and you were the idiot but you still rebel against Motherly involvement in ur 'affairs' (now that u are in ur 20's ur life issues become affairs - premature maturity strikes!!)...(this is my current stage!!)

What really fascinates me, is not the giving nature of mothers, or how little they expect from us, its that when things are rough, no matter what the situation is, the only person u want is ur MOM. Why is it that when you hurt urself, somehow u always scream out MOM?? Or when u are missing home, hearing ur moms voice makes u cry. Mom is the one u want to tell about a bad test, bad date, bad fight...Why?? I think it is because we all believe Mom can make it better, somehow she will know what to say, do at exactly the right moment and she probably wont say 'I told you so' either...

My Mom is now part of my 'blog' audience...as a child, I would attmept to keep a diary, of course using all the techniques children develop to 'hide' their journal from their moms. And inevitably, my mom would find my diary and tell me very matter of factly that, "In FAmily there are no secrets" and I would go on and on about Privacy and Personal thoughts....Of course, now she is laughing, because I have an online journal that I share with everyone......life really does come around and BITE YA!!!!

I could talk for hours about my mom, and probably not cover everything...So I shall try to keep it short....try being the operative clause here....

Now that I am married, I often find myself thinking about my mom and everything she taught me. Not a day goes by, where something doesnt remind me of her and I am forced to nod my head in applause to her wisdom. She knew me before I knew myself. And at times that infuriated me, and at times it amazed me....I am reminded of what Barbara Bush is famous for saying to her son, the now infamous George W. " I wont stop loving you no matter what you do, SO STOP TRYING SO DAMN HARD!!!" And thats how it is with Mom and me, no matter how many times I have faltered, lost my way, taken the wrong path, Mom has loved me through it all, and it is her love that brought me to where I am today..Loved me at my worst and loved me at my best!!!

So, thank you mama, you are the best there is....I pray I am as good a mom as you and if I am not, I take solace in the fact that you will be my kids grandmama..So today my list is dedicated to all the things that make my mom MY MOM...

1) Her inability to remember any of our names and words, using words interchangeable, assuming we would understand the meaning.
2) Her Smile 32 ( yeah thats where all of us girls get it!!)
3) My moms scent- cant describe it but Sadaf/Rabs/Hassan know
4) Mom's rendition of "Mujhai tum nazar sai ghira tho raha ho'
5) My moms 'kamar khee chuk'
6) Ability to whip up dinner in under an hour and pass it off like it wasnt anything.....
7) My Mom's Dhai Baray and Parathay- (all of u who have had them, KNOW what I am talking about....and for those of you who havent...hmmm SORRY)
8) Sohni sohni Dhaal
9) The time spent waiting for mom to finish namaz, usually when u have something urgent mom is in the middle of the never ending NAMAZ)
10) Mom's 'Assalam-o-lakum' on the phone
11) Random self talks in the mirror...discussing a range of events
12) One hr walks..MANDATORY
13) Boundless Energy when all of us are exhausted she finds another reserve.
14) Her " I dont understand a thing thats going on but I will smile anyways" smile
15) Her incredible sense of style, knowing what will look good on who...
16) Her memory - she remembers EVERYTHINGGGGGGGG
17) Her wanting to go to a musical and none of her 'useless' kids have taken her
18) Having to explain things that are going on in a movie or on TV
19) Mom's "Heiiiiee, Ammiiii"
And the last reason on this list that makes my Mom my MOm is
20) I love her....

So Mom, thank you is as hollow a word as I can offer you...I am proud to be your achievement....

Sobs 'Bridget Jones Diary'!!

2004-05-10T11:41:00.000-07:00

A friend in france, Jeny, nicknamed my blog the title. Thanks Jeny!!!

Anyways, my main point of fustration today...Rabia Rabia Rabia. Ok so my sister has a hi-fi nifty new cell phone, you know the kind with like 600 rind tones, multi color ringing, smallest possible size, and all the latestttttttttttt features( Thanks all to Wacky!!)...BUT WHAT IS THE POINT OF A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER PICK IT UP?? For all of Rabia's friends who read this, please email me and let me know how many times you call Rabs on the cell and actually get her, or do u get stuck with her voicemail. Now if this was a casual incident, it would not infuriate me so but in the case of RABIA'S CELL phone this is the dilemma EACH time u call it. There have been times of emergencies when CALLING RABIA was imperative and alas the phone is on silent and rings out.....Now if the phone needed to be on silent, I would understand, but sitting at home just watching TV WHY OH WHY does the phone need to be on silent mode. But there is no hope, this battle between Rabia's cell phone and me has been raging since the day I bought her first cell phone, and I think it will continue for years to come..

But it is my honest belief that in todays day and age, with Home phone, Cell phone, Work phone, pagers, PDA's whatever....we should be able to contact a person with relative ease and within a short amount of time. My husband is another GRAND example of lack of staying in touch. Now, granted, I AM an obsessive complusive when it comes to tracking someone down and locating their EXACT position. I get worried...but then there is the other end of the Spectrum, the man I married, Kasim Khan. He can very easily go long stretchs of time without, I am talking DAYSSSSS without contacting anyone, or answering his home phone (excuse: that he was too comfortable on his couch to reach over and grab the phone even though the phone is ringing off the hook) Or randomly disappearing for hrs at a time, leaving me worried and wondering where he is...and guess what he forgets his cell phone at home....For him the cell phone is a nuisance, for me it is a life line...

Of course I am ranting and raving at the cell phone issue, and myself I dont even own a cell phone!!! Why??? I dont know....I just dont...have gotten used to life without one, and there are times when I miss it...but not enough to influence my decision to purchase one...some of you may think then I dont have the right to be so upset...but my point is if u have a cell phone, keep it ON YOU, TURNED ON, and ANSWER THE THING!!!!

Ok now that I have that out of my system....phewwww....I would like to acknowledge a couple of things. First, Ramzi bhai's blog on Being a Punjabi, is just so hilarious...i hope you guys all read it!! Also, I cant end this blog without mentioning the tragedy that befell my friend Gulbs, who wrote a longggggg blog for all of u but was unable to send it as there is a 100 word limit..and she was over that.......such is life!!!

Wacky, Haris, I know you guys are thinking Rabs and Kasi dont pick up their cell phones because theyd ont want to talk to me BUT THATS NOT THE CASE!!!

S.

Reese Pieces Nostalgia

2004-05-08T15:17:00.000-07:00

So I am standing in the supermarket, and there is this mother with her two kids right in front of me.... at the check out counter. The little girl had a reese pieces package in her hand. She was holding her brothers hand and telling him, look one for you and one for me, how perfecT?? It just brought a flood of memories back to me...

I had this flashback to Hawaii, when we were all buying things at a shop, and my older sis Sadaf picked up a Reese Pieces bar, it was one of the long ones with 4 inside. After some cajolling she was convinced to share one with each of us....Rabs, Hass, and me. It was a perfect chocolate treat for us, 4 round cups and 4 of us..It became a little tradition while we were there. Watching those kids share those peanut butter cups, just made me nostalgic for the days of our childhood, when CHOCOLATE could make u so happy and cure all your troubles.

So here is a list of things I am nostalgic for.
1) Lollipops (with bubble gum in the center - the 1 riyal type)
2) Smurfs cartoon, and thinking how pretty Smurfette was never realizing that she wore the same clothes allllll the time)
3) Going to Toyland
4) Collecting Sun-Top stickers
5) Playing Hide and Seek, Man HUNT, Marco Polo
6) Being able to complete homework in 2 hrs
7) Eating Fun -Dip, and those Fizzle rocks, the things you would put on ur tongue and would POP, causing all sorts of weird sensations.
8) Being tucked in to bed
9) Believing my parents knew everything and had all the answers
10) First days of school
11) First crushes and loves
12) Playing grown up, House house, School school, Doctor doctor (dont ask me why we had to say it twice, but all the Riyadh bunch will understand)
13) Begging for spend the nights, and when those requests were denied, deciding to stay out so late that our parents would be forced to reconsider...NEVER WORKED!!!
14) Playing with Barbie
15) Having someone else (MOM) decide what I was going to wear, and also EAT!!!!
16) Birthday parties with games and prizes - not that i ever won!!!

The list could go on and on. Suprising, how the smallest thing can make you miss so much!!! But they were good days, and happy times....I think because those days were so carefree that we have such fond memories...Our worries were simple, who will be my friend? Im bored what should I do? Of course this question always resulted in a prompt answer from my Mom, go clean your room, your closet, go read the Encyclopedia, come help me in the kitchen. We learned quickly not to ask those types of questions.

I think the innocence of childhood is perfect. We wore our hearts on our sleeves, if we loved you we would wrap our arms around you and hug tightttt, if we hated u - we would closet ourselves in our comforters, so you would not be able to kiss us good night and that would serve as a punishment ( yes I actually did this!!! no comments needed!!!). When we wanted something and couldnt have it, the solution was simple, cry and when that didnt work, CRY HARDER!!! When someone made us mad and we didnt have words to respond with, we would yank, pull, grab or otherwise physically get the message across.

I hope all children in this world can have a childhood, something to hold on to and remember fondly.

S.

Am I getting old??

2004-05-05T21:01:00.000-07:00

I was in the car today, switching through the Radioa stations, trying to find something I wanted to listen to. I spent about 15 mins doing this before I switched to the National Public Radio station and started listenning to the news and discussions. I really enjoyed the show which at the time was discussing the actual results of "intergration" for black people, whether it really was a good thing.

Increasingly, I find it hard to find good music on the radio. When I was in Canada, Nailu would tell me, Sobs, its radio here, the radio in the US is way better. Ok well now I am in the US, and the radio hasnt improved much. I know I have quite a defined taste in music, but is it too much to ask to hear U2, Sarah Maclachlan, Jann Arden, Bob Marley, Matchbox20, Five For Fighting on the radio. I mean all the radio stations are only playing Toxic Love, With nothign but a Tee shirt on, , and all that Outkast music. And songs with lyrics like, My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and, Girl do you want to come to my hotel, I will leave you a room key. WHAT IS THIS???

and then I think am I just getting older or is the world getting younger. So here is a short list of things that make me realize that Im not that 'hip' anymore (not that I was before but now I definately AM not)

1) I enjoy the News Radio stations.
2) The movie theater can be just a little TOOOO loud for me...
3) The thought of staying out till 2am partying is not appealling anymore.
4) TV shows and for that matter movies as well actually shock me!!
5) McDonalds no longer feels like a nutritional meal to me.

Short list, but I guess the main thing is that Im changing, at first I thought it was because I got married. BUt now, I dont think its that, I just feel like I am leaving that age, when everything 'of the moment' that is cool is exactly what I want to be doing. I guess you could say, I am developing my sense of ME. How I want to lead my life now seems more real, and I actually feel that the decisions I make define the future in my life. I have tested the boundaries, found what makes me happy and now I am in my comfort zone.

I am getting old!!!!

S.

I am Lavender, what color are u?

2004-05-04T21:50:00.000-07:00

So, I sit down to blog...all ready to impart my random thoughts on my blog.. I even had an interesting topic to blog about...so as I logged in to my site...and decided randomly to read some other peoples blogs...and came across a Canadian one.....and jumped to a Quiz site..Damn this is a long explanation for telling u I took a random internet quiz..

Here are my results..

you are lavender
#E6E6FA

Your dominant hue is blue, making you a good friend who people love and trust. You're good in social situations and want to fit in. Just be careful not to compromise who you are to make them happy.

Your saturation level is very low - you have better things to do than jump headfirst into every little project. You make sure your actions are going to really accomplish something before you start because you hate wasting energy making everyone else think you're working.

Your outlook on life is bright. You see good things in situations where others may not be able to, and it frustrates you to see them get down on everything.

the spacefem.com html color quiz

So, interestingly enough its quite accruate.....go take it urself. Of course now I will have to change my whole scheme on the site....Its interesting, though many of us 'claim' not to believe in horoscopes, hand readings, or any of that jazz...We all pipe up with our birthdays when someone is reading the horoscope section.. and as soon as someone says they can read hands, our hands are always popping out...

Ok well Im off today, kinda had a quiet night and have been thoroughly bored. Kasi took a nap at 630pm and now its 12am and he is still napping...so ive been tiptoeing and being quiet all evening.....

S.

Introducing...

2004-05-03T21:03:00.000-07:00

Sorry...my last post went off on a tangent and I never got to cover what I wanted to talk about......

I have now been blogging for about a month, and I have to tell you I love it....cant get enough of it. The most fun I have is having people tell me,"hey I read ur blog, and find it entertaining", or when people comment on what I wrote. I hope I continue to be entertaining. But I owe a big Thank You to the person who first introduced me to "bloggin"

Noorie!!! Thanks so much, girl!!

Noor started her blog and sent her link to me, it was my first forray into this wonderful world of blogging. I am now a faithful follower of her site, http://noor-aliya.blogspot.com. Her blog is an interesting view on the image of Muslims in the Canadian media and for that matter the world media. Noorie has a voice and she is not scared to use it, as she says in her latest blog, The Pen is Mightier than the Sword. So go check out her site, I shall be linking her site up to mine, but first I have to figure out how to do that...

Today while talking to a friend of Kasi's, Ramzi bhai, he told me he started his own blog after having been reading mine. I was so excited...because honestly I have yet to meet someone else who can so accurately portray the DESI in humor as Ramzi Bhai can. He recently started 'stand up comedy' (finding his bliss!!!!!) and also, I have some home made video's of Ramzi bhai singing that I need to figure out how to attach to this site....but make sure to check out his site at http://rparticle.blogspot.com. I love the TITLE, 'Ruminations'!!!!!

Oh before I forget, I have one friend who alwaysssssssssss comments on my site, Fahad. He always reads them and drops me an email to tell me what he thought...I love getting his emails.......I cant wait till he starts his own blog....and I can link him up to my site...

S.

S.

Guerilla Girls..

2004-05-03T20:46:00.000-07:00

We have all heard the saying, " You learn something new everyday." How true that is... I learned two things today, about the origins of the word Gossip and about the Guerilla Girls...

Gossip - Bill Cosby was a guest on The Ellen Degeneres Show and was talking about the words origins. Suprise!! Suprise!! The word has its origins in England during the Middle Ages. The king would send his men out into the taverns in the villages, to find out what people were really thinking once drink had loosened their tongues. So the King would tell his men, Go, and Sip drink while listenning, so it became Go,Sip and now its Gossip. Interesting, isnt it??

Guerilla Girls- Part of my Art course, but really fascinating. A group of women who use Flyers, and posters around cities, to creat awareness for pro-feminism movements. They wear masks to cover their true identities, and work under the cover of darkness plastering walls with entertaining messages of the "feminine". Really interesting stuff, they are making a huge impact in a really simple way. Check it out.. www.guerillagirls.com

I know I am guilty when it comes to being a voice in society. I shy away from taking any role, just because I think the attempt is futile, and will not be heard. MY one voice does not hold any power. But I am wrong, Guerilla Girls began with 2 ladies trying to get their ARt work shown in NY and now they are a huge womans movement. I would like to know that I stand for what I believe, and people recognized me for who I am and what my beliefs are. As holmz, was discussing in her post, its time we came out of our 'bubbles.'

Ok Ok stopping with the idealism NOW!!!!

S.